Two Truths And A Lie: Gwyneth Edition

Confession: We actually love Gwyneth Paltrow. She is perfect and beautiful and lives a life of kale and cashmere the rest of us can only dream about. Is it a little frustrating sometimes? Yes. Are we probably just jealous? Also yes.
But, in addition to all her great GOOP-y advice, healthy recipes, and excellent style, there is another side of Gwyneth that can be really ridiculous. Let's just call it Gwynish. Because it's not really her, we're convinced — she's definitely a lovely person who just says ridiculous things sometimes. Today is Gwyneth's birthday (happy 41st!), and because Gwynish is her slightly off, Sliding Doors twin sister, it is also Gwynish's birthday. And we have decided to celebrate with a collection of her most out-there quotes.
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We've all played two truths and a lie at sleepovers — one is fake, the other two are real. That's the deal here. Read on and see if you can spot the nugget of Gwynish goodness, but be warned, things are going to get...pretty weird.
[Ed Note: If juvenile sleepover games aren't your thing, you may also take this opportunity to simply gaze on six heartbreakingly beautiful pictures of Gwyneth Paltrow in all her glory.]
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Photo: BEImages.
"Every day I take two 45-minute deep breathing sessions because it extends the lifespan and heals most pain."

“I am convinced that by eating biological foods it is possible to avoid a tumor.”

“We’re human beings and the sun is the sun — how can it be bad for you? I don’t think anything that’s natural can be bad for you."
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Photo: REXUSA/David Fisher.
"I would rather die than let my kid eat Cup-a-Soup."

"I would rather shoot myself than eat a tomato out of season."

“I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin.”

Lie from the previous slide: "Every day I take two 45-minute deep breathing sessions because it extends the lifespan and heals most pain."
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3 of 9
Photo: REXUSA/David Fisher.
"Beauty fades! I just turned 29, so I probably don't have that many good years left in me."

"I'm lucky to have these amazing African genes that keep my skin really youthful. But I also visit a wizened Chinese herbalist once a week to get my eyeballs acupunctured."

"I am African."

Lie from the previous slide: "I would rather shoot myself than eat a tomato out of season."
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Photo: REXUSA/Picture Perfect.
"I love being. There's so much wisdom in it. You wake up in the morning and you think, 'hey, isn't it great just being?'"

“I am who I am. I can’t pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year.”

"Moisture is the essence of wetness. And wetness is the essence of beauty."

Lie from the previous slide: "I'm lucky to have these amazing African genes that keep my skin really youthful. But I also visit a wizened Chinese herbalist once a week to get my eyeballs acupunctured."
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Photo: REXUSA/Charles Sykes.
"My favorite midnight snack is cold blini from the fridge with just a suggestion of crème fraîche and a whisper of fines herbes."

"When I pass a flowering zucchini plant in a garden, my heart skips a beat."

"I try to avoid barbecue potato chips."

Lie from the previous slide (obviously): "Moisture is the essence of wetness. And wetness is the essence of beauty."
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Photo: BEImages/Matt Baron.
"I absolutely believe in plastic surgery as long as it's all-natural."

"I don't know who decided that skinny was more appealing than not skinny. It seems arbitrary."

"You know, I use organic products, but I get lasers. It's what makes life interesting, finding the balance between cigarettes and tofu."

Lie from the previous slide: "My favorite midnight snack is cold blini from the fridge with just a suggestion of crème fraîche and a whisper of fines herbes."
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Photo: REXUSA/David Fisher.
"My grandmother's father was a chicken farmer on Long Island back in the day; so needless to say, chicken soup is in my blood."

"I really think that if you can't afford to get quality food, you just shouldn't get it at all."

"I don't eat red meat, but sometimes a man needs a steak."

Lie from the previous slide: "I absolutely believe in plastic surgery as long as it's all-natural."
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Photo: REXUSA/Theo Kingma.
"Every time I have a bikini wax, Cameron Diaz holds me down."

"She pulled my pants off. I'll never forget it. She was like, ‘Oh, my God, wow, I just am so surprised, because you look so good in clothes. I wasn't expecting this.'"

"When my husband and I are going through a rough patch, I like to have Cameron Diaz and Tracy Anderson review videos of our intercourse and give me tips."

Lie from the previous slide: "I really think that if you can't afford to get quality food, you just shouldn't get it at all."
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Photo: REXUSA/Picture Perfect.
"I was starting to hike up the Red Rocks, and honestly, it was as if I'd heard the rock say: 'You have the answers. You are your teacher.'"

"I love the English way, which is not as capitalistic as it is in America. People don't talk about work and money; they talk about interesting things at dinner parties."

"A guru friend of mine once told me, 'You are only held back by your accomplishments.'"

Happy birthday, Gwyn. Wishing you a vintage truck full of organic avocados hand-picked by Amish toddlers on your special day.

Lie from the previous slide: "When my husband and I are going through a rough patch, I like to have Cameron Diaz and Tracy Anderson review videos of our intercourse and give me tips."

And your very last lie (no peeking!): "A guru friend of mine once told me, 'You are only held back by your accomplishments.'"
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