One of my happiest childhood memories was watching, mesmerized on my living room floor, Michael Jackson’s rhinestone encrusted glove moving across the screen as he performed "Billie Jean" live. I, like many, recreated the moment myself – using one yellow gardening glove found in my dad’s cherry tomato patch. The iconic glove was ASMR before ASMR was thing. The single glove, covered in rhinestones, caught the light and dazzled as it glided across the stage, leaving me with stars in my eyes and sparkly sensations in my tummy.
But can’t an accessory be just an accessory? Gloves are inherently innocent items, designed simply to protect your hands from the elements, yet they’re often misconstrued and misinterpreted. See: the uproar over Amal Clooney’s simple white gloves at the Golden Globes and the speculation around why Jackson only wore one glove.
Indeed, gloves have long wielded a strange aesthetic power. Visual artist Meret Oppenheim’s gloves intricately outline the veins on hands, while André Breton’s surrealist novel, Nadja, fixated on the twisted shape a glove makes when it’s vacant of a human hand. It’s the simultaneously funny and dark quality of a pair of gloves that make them superb subjects of art, fashion and culture. For instance, while other video games have spiked monsters and heavily armed trolls as their final bosses, one simple gloved hand, Masterhand, is the final boss to conquer in Super Smash Bros. Spooky.
So, here, we're fulfilling André Breton's surrealist fantasies by combining this season's best gloves with our favorite ASMR archetypes like satisfying kinetic sand and crunchy foam poof balls.
Ahead, tingly sensations to watch on a loop courtesy of six gloves straight from the runways this season. Bookmark this for when you’re feeling anxious or unsettled.
The Graphic Glove
This glove is exactly what Roald Dahl had in mind when he wrote Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It’s a two-in-one, great for protecting your hands from the mess that comes every time you pop your gum, and it's covered in sour fizzy strips that’ll temporarily satisfy your sweets cravings. In our dreams, everlasting gobstoppers are made by oompa loompas sporting Moschino FW18.
The 'Ready For Anything' Glove
It’s alive! And it’s blasting off at 18,000 miles per hour! See you in a few years! We’ll be back with unidentified samples and maybe even a little alien friend. Don’t forget us, and pray that there’s wifi where we’re going so that we can ‘gram these gloves in their rightful environment. NASA owes us one.
The Naked Glove
Step into our laboratory! These gloves wake up the mad scientist in all of us, and look ideal for whipping up potions and mysterious jars of slime. Mastering the art of brewing up magic is easy when you look the part, so glove up and grab a beaker to get started. We recommend you bring your own periodic table of the elements.
The Neon Green Glove
If you’re prone to blisters or haven’t re-gripped your racquet in awhile, these gloves are for you come tennis season. Unfortunately, they won’t pass for proper gloves at the country club. But slime green gloves will distract your opponent – they'll mistake your hands for the tennis ball. It's forty-love from here on out, guys.
The Touch-Screen Unfriendly Glove
These are the anti-tech gloves. Unless you can type on your phone with just three fingers, these gloves will force you to live in the moment. Or at least show off your mani. These may not be the most practical option, but are certainly a chic one. Why would you need or want gloves that enable you to text anyway when you have sparkly ones that shimmer under the light of the disco ball? So get off of your phone, and get dancin’!
The Lace-Up Glove
Assistance is required to get these gloves on – or at least a lot of sweating and weird body contortions to tie the laces. But it’s 100% worth it. The opera length means extra ~fancy~, but the leather and lace-up means something else: find a cool motorcycle guy and wear these for long rides through the countryside. Lana Del Rey would.