Jennette McCurdy On Female Rage & Her New Book, Half His Age

Jennette McCurdy’s memoir I’m Glad My Mom Died left me in tears. So, when I heard that the actress turned author was releasing a new book, her first novel, I was excited. I’m Glad My Mom Died is brutally honest and refreshingly straightforward and I knew McCurdy’s first foray into fiction would bring the same energy.

The book, called Half His Age, follows Waldo, a 17-year-old who has a relationship with a teacher 23 years her senior. The book deals with the nuances and power imbalance of an age-gap affair and was partly inspired by a relationship McCurdy had herself. But at its core, the novel is about Waldo and her need for love, validation, acceptance, and how she fights for her own sense of power.

I spoke with McCurdy over Zoom to discuss how female rage is one of the novel’s major themes, why it was important for her to write Half His Age, and the TV adaptation of I’m Glad My Mom Died.

Jennette McCurdy: Oh boy. I have a very writerly answer to this. I used to not understand when authors talked this way, but now I completely understand. It was a thing that demanded to be written. You know, I was actually writing another thing, and Half His Age was kind of like pushing itself up on me, and I couldn't stop thinking about Waldo. I said, "You know, I'll give it a week." I'll let it run its course. I'll probably grow tired of it, and then I'll just go back to this other thing. And then, 30 days later, I had a first draft, and I immediately went into a second draft, then a third, and fourth, until it was just finished. There was no choice. And I think that's always a good sign, right? For me, that's always an experience with creativity. The one that's pushing itself up on me, it's the one that gets done. That's just how it goes.

How much does Waldo believe that she has this relationship with her teacher under her control? And why is it important for you to show that nuance even though she's clearly not in control because she's a minor? 

JM: I really tried to avoid being moralistic in the writing itself and to be more subtle than that. Okay, this isn't very subtle, but I'll say it. Waldo is very aggressive and is very forward and is, at times, you know, throwing herself at this man. He is still a 40-year-old man who should know better. I never stated in the book, but I'll state it here now. I really wanted to show this young woman who really believes she is in control and is really fighting to be in control and clawing for some form of power. She's still so vulnerable. She's still at an age that is so vulnerable. And yet at that age, you're not necessarily aware of your limitations, of the places where you're particularly naive or susceptible to outside influences. You don't know those things. I really think it was so important to me to show it through her eyes completely because. Most of us reading it are going to be a bit older, and we know what it's like to be 17. We know what it's like not to be in that naive position, and to be that susceptible to influence. We have all been there. It was so important to me to do it completely through her eyes.   

Yes. We also know what it's like to think we know everything when we really know nothing. You’ve said that one of the main themes of this book is female rage. What do you mean when you say female rage? And why do you feel it's important to explore that theme? 

JM: Thank you for this question. I would love to hear what female rage is to you. Female rage to me is having your boundaries violated over and over and over and over and over again, and not having access to the language, the tools to advocate for yourself. Being afraid to advocate for yourself. Told not to advocate for yourself, to be polite, to be nice, to make things easy, to not be difficult. So, you continue doing that and playing that role over and over again. Then your boundaries are still violated over and over and over again, and it compounds for years until, inevitably, the rage starts to crop up and come out in unexpected ways. There's no choice but to start confronting it and understanding not only its roots, but also how to ideally channel it properly moving forward. This was such an important theme for me to explore. I think we all have a lot of female rage. You tell me if you disagree. Do you have it? 

I do not disagree. 

JM: It's something we all know so well, and yet I haven't really felt the social conversation go there the way I wish it would. I think there's so much value in our rage if we can access it, if we're not hiding it and doing the thing where we're suppressing and being polite and pretty and nice and whatever. If we're able to go, I'm fucking angry, and here's what  I'm angry about. Oh my God, that's when it moves through you. That's when it leads to decisions you can make that are actually helpful for your life. And Waldo is not there yet. She's not at the place where she can make those helpful decisions. She is 17. She's in the throes of it, and she doesn't even realize the extent of it. And it is fueling her decisions so much without her even realizing it. Her drive for sex. Her need for Korgy. Her need for things. For clothing. All of it is so charged by rage and shame. I really hope it will open up a broader conversation about what we can do with our rage and how we can find empowering ways of utilizing it.  

JM: There are some lovely men. All gays are great. There are some straights who are lovely. [laughs] I'm with an amazing one.  But I think a lot of times, their fear of our emotions can really cause us to sort of suppress and wanna be polite and keep going in that inauthentic way. Who can hold our rage? A) Ourselves and B) Other women. I have never felt more at ease and safe in my rage than when I explore it with other women and talk about it. Having those deep, thoughtful conversations about what it is we're so angry about, what the root of it is, what it might be actively that's in our life that's causing it to resurface, and how we can move forward in a way that is productive and healthy. 

What is the best way for us to express our female rage?  

JM: I think it can be different for everybody. Something that might be somewhat universal, I'd say, is having a creative outlet. For me, it's writing. I think I write really effectively from a place of anger. It's when I do the most charged writing that I think connects the most. It can be a variety of things, but I think creativity is one place. A genuine conversation is another place for it. Surprise! [laughs] That shouldn't be shocking. Just talking it out and not pretending to be happy, happy, happy and grateful, grateful, grateful all the time. That is crazy making.

It is, as they call it, toxic positivity.   

JM: Yes.   

JM: Ooh, okay. It feels like skin. Sweaty skin, particularly sweaty, hairy skin. It sounds like a train, like the force of a train. Potentially about to crash. We see a train coming the opposite way. The two trains are coming at the same time. That's what it sounds like. 

If train A starts here and train B starts there, when will they collide?   

What is it like to be so vulnerable publicly and share so much of yourself? Does it make it easier or harder that you've been in the spotlight for so long?   

JM: I'm really glad that I had years where I was not in the spotlight. No social media app was on my phone. I was in a cave writing for quite a few years. Not even considering the public eye in any way, shape, or form. And then being back into it as an adult has been really interesting, fun, and at times complicated, but I do lead with vulnerability. Honesty is an important value of mine. Authenticity. It's just who I am. It would feel so bad to show up here, sit opposite you, to be somebody who I'm not. Be some performative thing that I'm not. And then after the fact, you know, closing the Zoom and shutting the laptop and then being a completely different person. It wouldn't work for me, to be honest. I certainly have things for myself and things I keep to myself, but I do believe vulnerability is useful to others and an important value of mine.   

Since this book is inspired by a real-life experience you've had, where does Jennette start, and where does Waldo stop? How are you similar to each other and how are you different from each other?   

JM: I was in a significant age-gap relationship. When I was 18, I had my first foray into the world of relationships. On a personal level, that influenced some aspects of Waldo's relationship with Korgy and a lot of my unprocessed anger from that relationship. Waldo is entirely her own character. This story is entirely its own. And there's something really  freeing and really fun about it that I loved. I certainly want to write more fiction. I'm sure people will project me onto it in certain ways, and that's fine if people do, but I really hope that if they can, they read it entirely as its own piece of work in its own world. It's own set of characters. I think it would be a misread to put too much of me on it, to be honest.   

I think it's great that you can tell people, “No, Waldo is a character. This is fiction.” Who would you say this book is not for, and who is it for?   

JM: I wanna say it's not for somebody who's suppressing a lot and has sort of muted emotions. I don't think it would work for them. I think it's certainly for people with big emotions. For anybody who's ever embarrassed themselves or humiliated themselves in a relationship to try to have their needs met, to try to win the affection of somebody who didn't love them back the way that they needed or so craved. It's for anybody who's ever felt deeply lonely. I think there's so much loneliness that comes through in this. You know, we mentioned rage. Anybody with unprocessed or processed rage. All rage is welcome here. 

What do you want people to take away from this book after they put it down? I'm closing it. I'm done. I'm crying. What am I taking away?  

JM: A theme of this conversation has been rage, and I don't want to harp on it too much. But I do hope it helps people process some of that, and that it leads to conversations about rage. It's a hope of mine that anything I write will help people find closure, maybe in places where there wasn't any, and in their own experiences. I hope it's a source of connection, and I hope it's a place to process uncomfortable feelings. I hope it makes people uncomfortable. I think there's so much useful juice in being uncomfortable and so much to glean from that. So, I do hope it makes readers uncomfortable. I think it will.   

You have to sit in the uncomfortable to find the comfortable. Can't just have one without the other. I think that's what people forget.  

Your TV adaptation of I'm Glad My Mom Died is in the works. Congratulations! How is that process going? Are there any secrets you can tell me?   

JM: I don't think I can share any secrets. Top-level, locked-in-a-box stuff [laughs]. It's been really interesting. I can say I have a really clear vision for what the show is. I have had this vision for years. It's not only my life story; it's inspired by the memoir, and knowing that the memoir has touched so many people in such a significant and profound way is so important to me to get the adaptation right. To me, that means making sure every member of that team fully understands that vision and that we're all on the same page. And I'm not in any rush. It doesn't matter to me how long it takes. It's gotta be done right.