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Why TikTok Star KhaeNotBae Says It’s Time To Stop Joking In Therapy

This week on R29’s Unbothered’s Go Off, Sis podcast, the hosts are deep in their self-awareness bag. And the big question is as complicated as your relationship with your ex, and comes courtesy of co-host and Unbothered VP Chelsea Sanders via the show’s producer Crystal Devone: “Am I the drama? Or am I just responding through trauma?” Sanders says. 
To answer those big questions thoughtfully and honestly, they invited TikTok’s viral sensation — Mikhaela “KhaeNotBae” Jennings — to address the crowd. If you’ve been under a rock and aren’t familiar with Khae’s musings, she’s the 25-year-old who became everyone’s fave lil’ sis because of the phrase, “The girls that get it, get it.”
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And since the social media star was ready to go off, the hosts started by holding up a “mirror” to identify their toxic traits. Co-host and Unbothered Global Deputy Director Kathleen Newman-Bremang went first. She admitted to being too competitive with unknown people on Blue Ivy’s Internet. “I'll make up a nemesis in my head, of random people on Twitter. I'm like, ‘That person did that? I need to do it better.’ That's not healthy,” she shares. 
Culture Critic Ineye Komonibo admits to being a hater on the low. “I’ll come up with 10 reasons not to like the thing, the person the situation, or the song… I’ll be like, ‘That song was trash. That movie was trash.’”
Khae on the other hand is big on “gray walling.” She says, “I like to cut people out. I will set up a test in my head and if they fail that test, I’m like, 'Alright, what [else] is there to say?’ Because I feel like I’m wasting my breath.” 
The social media influencer’s "gray walling" technique is linked to her days going to an all-girls school. Khae says the girls in her school were always going through something — and constantly going back to the same negative people or situations — so she has little patience for this behavior. “Why do you even want my input?” says the soon-to-be author. “I feel like I'm wasting my time if I keep offering my help and my advice.”
As the conversation shifts toward extending grace to others, the topic of boundaries pops up because, as Khae says, people will tap dance all over that goodwill if you let ’em. Khae suggests wrapping an invisible rubber band around your grace. “Let it stretch,” shares the Florida native. “But if that rubber band snaps? [They don’t get it anymore]."
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Associate Social Strategist Maiya Carmichael agrees. “There’s a difference between you making a mistake and crossing a big boundary. Mistakes? Cool. Let's talk about it. Let's get over it. But if you had a baby by my husband? Now, I gotta kill you.”
To hear about reactions to trauma, finding Black women therapists, and why Khae had to stop joking in therapy, listen to the full episode, below.
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