Welcome to the safest, most contoured space on the Internet: A space where we can openly discuss, dissect, and indulge in the greatest show of our time, Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
Tonight you could have been watching the season 2 premiere of Big Little Lies, the finale of Billions, or the Tonys if you’re that kind of gal. Maybe you did watch one of those more illustrious programs, but you’re still here, reading this post about Keeping Up With the Kardashians, and that’s wonderful. Thank you for coming. I'll try not to let you down.
It may have been in the 80s in New York City, but in episode 9, "Christmas Chaos," the family is creating a true Winter Wonderland. Here's everything that happened in tonight's episode, from dead hamsters, to controversial family reunions.
Three’s Company (& A Lot of Drama)
Make it make sense!!! - Kris to Kourtney about all this Scott nonsense. Apparently, Bali was magical enough to inspire Scott and Kourtney to go on another trip together — this time in Cabo, right before Christmas. Kourtney isn’t psyched about the timing, but she’s down to go to spend time as a family, even with Sofia Richie in tow. This whole concept (Scott, Sofia, and Kourtney) may not make sense to the rest of the world, or the rest of the family, but it works for them. Still, the idea breaks Kris’s brain.
Once she’s back, Kris sits down with Kourtney and grills her about the dynamic of the trip. Who sleeps where, who hangs out with who, does it make any damn sense?! Kourtney breaks it down for her “meddling mother”: Kourtney and the kids got a three bedroom villa, while Scott and Sofia shared a one bedroom house in a different area; they all hang out together; the trip was relaxing and she had an amazing time. If there's drama to be had between the threesome, it isn't happening anytime soon.
Kim wants to revolutionize the Kardashian Christmas party tradition. She’s tired of Kris' old friends killing her vibe — she literally tells her mom that her friends are too old, and her shtick is lame. “I want you to give us your blessing,” Kim tells Kris while yanking the party out of her diamond-covered paws. Kim and Kris both end the conversation in tears, but Kris gives the party to Kim as a changing of the guard. “It means I’m getting old,” Kris says, upset. This is some… extremely dramatic shit, but extremely something I, too, would cry about.
Not only does Kris let Kim (and later, Kanye) plan the party, but she also approves a controversial invite: Caitlyn’s. This is huge because Kris and Caitlyn had an epic falling out over a story from Caitlyn’s book, and Kim says the entire transition was difficult for her mom, but they stay in touch because of Kylie and Kendall. Kim later regrets the olive branch once Khloé points out how awkward of a position that puts Kris in — she already had the party taken from her, and now her ex is invited? Talk about adding insult to injury — but when Kim calls her mom to apologize and tell her that she plans to disinvite Caitlyn, Kris says it's fine. "Leave it," she demands. She'd rather see Kendall and Kylie enjoying themselves with their dad then worry about her own feelings. #MomLife.
In addition to all this Kris-related drama, Kanye is really causing some stress around Calabasas. The self-proclaimed creative genius does not appear in the episode at all, but his presence is damning. After Kim gains control of the party, she hands off all the planning to Kanye, who is eager to became the Dr. Seuss of Christmas land. He plans to spend close to a bajillion dollars on the party, which is described as "Whoville"-ian and would, ideally, include igloos, a sled area, an ice skating rink, an abominable snowman.
Kanye goes over budget so much that Khloé mistakes the cost of the down payment for the cost of the entire evening — as Kim says, “yes, it’s that serious.” Everyone knows that Kim is the accountant of the family, and that Kanye famously opened up about his finances earlier in him and Kim’s marriage, so him totally ditching the pre-planned budget for his pie-in-the-sky plans is no surprise. In the end, Kim trims out a lot of Kanye's more outlandish ideas and is able to pull of an enviable evening that leaves her enough change in the bank to sleep at night.
When footage of the evening is shown (which many fans have already seen on Instagram months ago), the West's residence looks like a totally different world. During that party sequence, there's a few zoomed in shots of Jordyn Woods and, yes we get it. We know the drama is coming.
The party even gets the final stamp of approval from an elated Kris who thought her daughter and son-in-law did an amazing job, even without a custom ice skating rink.
The hamster that Khloé bought North, against Kim's wishes, died, as most pet store hamster purchases do. The problem is that North won’t accept her tiny animal’s dark fate. North holds the dead hamster, pets the dead hamster, and even makes Kim take the hamster to the vet. Realizing that North is not letting this go, Kim and Khloé hunt for a replacement (classic sitcom fodder happening here) but the breed is "fancy bear" hamster and strangely hard to find.
Eventually they find one, and North is none-the-wiser. Let's just hope she doesn't read this recap!!!!
Khloe also mentions a key comment: “Animals keep dying,” We know about the Kardashians past with animals… I don’t want to get out my tin foil hat, but can we please figure out a way to not kill so many pets? The biggest plot twist of all is that its revealed over Christmas dinner that Kylie had genuinely no idea this hamster — this hamster causing so much fucking drama — even existed.
No word if the hamster is still alive and kicking. (Do hamsters kick?)
Our weekly round-up of the craziest one-liners from the episode (these are all out of context because it makes them funnier):
“Now that you’re in this delicious mood, let’s discuss Christmas Eve.” — Kris Jenner
“‘All these people need therapy’” — Kim
“We do.” — Khloé
“We do.” — Khloé
“You two are both like mad scientists” — Khloé
“Is it ‘hamster’ and now hampster’?” — Khloé
“This is so inappropriate. It is so so much money for one night.” — Kim
"Vodka's my friend." — Kris