Welcome back, Bachelor Nation. Exhausted yet? We're days into her journey, and Hannah Brown is already getting more settled into her role as the 2019 Bachelorette. And clearly so are some of her 23 remaining men. Because if there’s anything that’s clear from these first two episodes of the season, it’s that Hannah’s got herself quite the gang of go-getters. And some of them might want to take it down a notch.
When the episode starts, the men are feeling confident after the first cocktail party, wherein one forgettable dude got busted for having a girlfriend back home, Luke P. locked in his role as this season’s very questionable frontrunner (first impression rose, hello), and Grant somehow made the cut despite greeting Hannah with a mouthful of mustard and sausage (we’re rootin’ for ya, Grant!).
“I want real conversations. I want what makes you, you. None of that bullshit,” Hannah tells the camera in what will soon turn out to be a pretty ironic statement. The men are still in the middle of high-fiving each other — and themselves — the next day when the first date card of the season arrives at the mansion.
Grant, Luke S., Magic Mike, Jed, Jonathan, John Paul Jones (“alright alright,” he says in his best Matthew McConaughey impression), Dylan, and Luke P. are all roped into the first group date with a card that simply reads: “I’m looking for my Mr. Right.” Sweet pilot Pete flashes a tiny pout as the selected dudes get amped for their date, but we’re not too worried about him or his connection with Hannah — yet.
The eight men show up to an empty auditorium only to be greeted by a trio of runway heavy-hitters: Alaska and Alyssa Edwards of RuPaul’s Drag Race fame and Miss J (smize firmly in place) from America's Next Top Model. The three are going to, Hannah explains, be judging what she dubs a "Mr. Right pageant," with a talent competition and, of course, a Speedo portion of the evening.
And man, do the men deliver. One by one, they strut down the length of the runway toward Hannah and her three judges, giving Bachelor Nation an eyeful of pecs, abs, and the occasional perky behind. (Let’s not forget Magic Mike twerking up a storm and giving Hannah a minor panic attack; Miss J was super into it, though.) One of the surprise contestants of the night is usually soft-spoken Jed, whose soulful singing, paired with his looks, have all three judges hot and bothered. But leave it to Luke P. to shut it down in both the Speedo and the talent categories, showing off his muscular “Greek god” bod and flaunting off his talent for sweet-talking by dropping the L word — literally 48 hours after meeting Hannah.
“Hannah, I know that the right Mr. Right for you is someone who’s going to love you in the future,” he says. “I already gave you a piece of my heart, but I hope in the future I can give you all of it.” The audience squeals in anticipation, the men look on in disbelief. And then it comes, with Miss J squirming uncomfortably in his seat: “Hannah, I’m genuinely starting to fall in love with you.”
The guys are not having it, but Luke P. somehow wins the judges over with his bold moves, taking the crown and scepter as Mr. Right with all the glee of your least favorite high school jock. That night, as Hannah and the men sit around a bonfire, Magic Mike raises his glass to toast to “people being real … and love that’s forever and not just 15 minutes,” a pointed dig at Luke, to which the Greek god replies dryly, “Well said, Mike.”
Hannah’s not sure how to feel about Luke’s L-word confession either. When the pair get some time alone later in the evening, she tries to cut right to the chase, but stumbles over her words. “How do you… it scares me, because it’s such a big deal,” she tries. “Words are so important to me, I just want to make sure you’re sure.”
But suave Luke brushes her worries away, and with them, her common sense. “I’ve never felt a connection like this my whole entire life,” he reiterates. And then, just to drive the point home, he repeats one more time, for the sound bit, “I am starting to fall in love with you.” Hannah can’t wipe the smile off her face and later says during a confessional, “I believe him.” GIRL. So many facepalms happening all across Twitter tonight.
Magic Mike attempts to call Luke out one more time, too, but by the end of the night, it’s clear that it’s a lost cause. Luke’s on a mission, and if Hannah’s what he wants, he’s gonna get her. Jed ends up getting the group date rose for the night, though, possibly a slight knock to Luke’s ego, but more likely, possibly not. “I didn’t win the Mr. Right pageant, but I think I won the night,” Jed says, and his comment is just the salve Bachelor Nation needs after so much Luke P. slime.
Back at the house, the guys twiddle their thumbs waiting for the next date card, which goes to Tyler G., who may just be one of the most generic Bachelor contestants imaginable (it could always be the edit, but still). His unmemorable phrases from their four-wheeler date include: “Life’s too short”; “Be genuine”; “That means the world to me”; “I feel the same way”; “I’d love to hear more about that”; and “What’s the point of all this [if not for love]?”
Long story short, he gets the rose after having to listen to Hannah wax poetic about her infamously awkward one-on-one with Colton, and the show moves on to more interesting things.
Things like Cam, who’s jealous because he didn’t get picked to be on Group Date No. 2 — a motley crew that includes Devon, Matteo, Daron, Connor J, Kevin, Dustin, Tyler C., Joey, Sweet Pete, and Garrett, with a date card that reads “Let’s get our love on track.”
The 10 men meet Hannah at the roller derby rink, where they’re split into two teams and told to essentially knock each other out (with knee pads for safety, of course). Hannah notes that she’s looking for “who exudes joy, no matter if they’re awesome or they suck.” Which is good, because most of the men — there’s no nice way to say it — suck. Daron’s the best of the bunch, twirling circles around the other men as they struggle to stay standing. Dustin gets knocked down at one point, Connor J can barely stand in skates, and a frustrated Tyler C. shows his competitive side.
By the evening, though, all the men are back to putting their (wine) game faces on, set on impressing Hannah with their sweater sets. Hannah grabs Dustin right away to chat and the men begin to talk amongst themselves about who’s had time with her and who hasn’t. Cue interloper Cam, who arrives on the scene unannounced and in cowboy boots, interrupting Kevin and definitely confusing Hannah.
Bless her heart, the poor girl tries to keep it together as she addresses him with a frozen smile, but it’s clear she’s not too impressed (or is she?) by his ballsy move. The guys are for sure not. As Cam makes his way outside the antique warehouse to chat on-camera, several of the men approach him to call him out for what they deem his disrespectful move. Undeterred, though, “ABC” Cam essentially, in Kevin’s words, tells all the other guys to “go fuck [themselves and their toes],” leaving behind some bad energy as he hops back into a car to head back to the mansion. Dustin ultimately gets the group rose, but the bros are upset, to put it mildly.
The next night, Hannah is in tears before the evening’s even begun, telling all the men how “really blessed” she feels to have them all there. “Love can be messy, and it could be something you have to roll with, but I want to find my Mr. Right,” she concludes her speech with a toast. (Damn girl, way to fit all three of those keywords into one sentence!).
Several men steal her away for a chat, but when Kevin finally gets his time, he’s pretty quickly interrupted by — who else? — ABC Cam, who actually has the gall to lead them both away for something he’s planned for “all three of them.” Turns out, the plan is to eat chicken nuggets in a heart-shaped pile of rose petals, something Kevin isn’t so into. So much so that later on in the night, he tells Cam what he really thinks about his nuggets, tossing them at him in what might just be the most meme-able moment of the night.
But Cam’s not the only one trying to steal some special time with Hannah. Our good buddy Luke P. shimmies on screen again with a totally appropriate, totally not sexually charged massage for Hannah. The Bachelorette, in turn, can’t resist getting her hands on the Greek god, and coyly tells him she’ll give him a massage — and a shirtless one at that. But before things can get too risque, crooner boy Jed interrupts their sexy time and lands himself in a pretty awkward situation.
Hannah has a minor meltdown as she tries to figure out what to do, but thankfully for her, Jed’s a stand-up gentleman and laughs off (albeit nervously) the mishap, like “Oh, totally hilarious you guys were rubbing up on each other heh heh heh.” They smooch, and it seems like the awkward moment is water under the bridge.
At the rose ceremony, a calmer Hannah addresses her 23 men, whittling them down to 20 (maybe the yelling with Kevin, nuggets with Cam, and massage from Luke P. really made for the perfect relaxants). Tyler C., Garrett, Kevin, Connor S., Luke P., Dylan, Luke S., Magic Mike, sweet Pete, Kevin, Jonathan, Joey, Matteo, John Paul Jones, Grant, and … Cam are safe through the next week, while Hannah says toodles to Connor J, Daron, and Matt.
But even though Cam makes the final gross toast all about him (“To my future best friend: Mrs. Hannah Ayala”), it’s Luke P. who ultimately ABCs this episode — that would be Always Be Closing, dear Cam. Because while the other men head to bed after a long week, Mr. Greek God sneaks into the confessional room to say "hi" to Hannah, and then some.
“Everything I’m telling you is 100% real. I promise,” he says. She actually has to kiss him to get him to stop talking, but he pushes on anyway. “I don’t want you to have any fear in this… You can trust me.”
Well, this is certainly not going to end well.
A Few Moments That Swept Us Off Our Feet:
When Alaska asks Luke P. what his biggest asset is, he responds completely deadpan: “I’d say my character.” An unimpressed Alaska throws back, “Dig deeper.”
When Hannah swings by the mansion to pick up Tyler G. for their one-on-one date, he calls the men “a good group of men.” Hannah, not known for her filter, quips, “That’s so sweet! They’re gonna talk shit about you when you leave.”
Fred Willard makes his cameo and quips that his roller derby teammates used to call him the “Mad Man”— because they’d tie his shoelaces together and he’d get mad. Leave it to Willard to show up every season (apparently?), armed with dad jokes.