It brings us absolutely zero joy to report that Stormy Daniels' tell-all memoir, a copy of which was obtained by the Guardian, features a vomit-inducing description of Donald Trump's genitalia.
Apparently we have so much more suffering to do.
Trump and Daniels met in 2006 at a celebrity golf tournament in Lake Tahoe, CA, where he invited her to dinner in his penthouse. In Full Disclosure, which will
drill a permanent hole in our brains drop in bookstores October 2, she describes his junk as "smaller than average" but "not freakishly small."
"He knows he has an unusual penis," Daniels writes. "It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool... I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart... It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion."
Now that we have dutifully reported that information for journalism, we'd like to forget it as soon as humanly possible.
From what we can tell, there are also parts of Daniels' memoir worth paying attention to, from her childhood to the consequences of going public with her story.
One part we'd love to follow up on: The story about Trump receiving a call from Hillary Clinton in 2007 while he and Daniels were in a hotel room watching Shark Week on TV. At the time, Clinton was running for the Democratic presidential nomination against Barack Obama. (Why did she call him?)
"Then, to make it crazier, Hillary Clinton called," Daniels writes. "He had a whole conversation about the race, repeatedly mentioning 'our plan'... Even while he was on the phone with Hillary, his attention kept going back to the sharks."
Daniels also tells the story of her childhood, growing up in poverty and surviving abuse, working as a stripper while still in high school, and then becoming an award-winning writer, director, and actress in the adult-film industry.
"The deck has always been stacked against me," she writes, but, "I own my story and the choices I made."