People Are Tweeting Their Worst (& Most Hilarious) Fortune Cookies

Fortune cookie writers must get writer's block, right? One can only create so many fortunes from Killers' song lyrics. Or, at least that's what we think the reason for the existence of these so-bad-they're-good fortunes that people have been tweeting out must be. It is either that, or the good folks at Panda Express want to have some fun with us.
Logically, everyone knows that a fortune cookie doesn't have your actual fortune in it. In fact, most fortunes are simply aphorisms that are fun to add "in bed" to the end of. That said, it can be hard not to take it personally when you get a "fortune" like this.
Other fortunes are perhaps well-intentioned but offer the wrong advice. If you're not a cat person (or have bad allergies), this is terrible advice — in addition to not being a fortune.
Of course, there's always the weirdly portentous feeling of getting no fortune in your cookie, but what about when there's not even a cookie? It somehow seems even worse.
On the other hand, there are more direct ways to feel rejected by your dessert.
Another category of fortunes that Twitter users have found is best summarized as "technically true but incredibly unhelpful."
If snarky fortunes are your style, there's another way to get funny fortunes besides playing your luck by ordering a lot of Chinese food and hoping for the best (though that sounds delicious). Misfortune Cookies, which have been for sale in Australia since 2013, recently became available in the U.S., courtesy of Amazon.
For those who don't get the appeal of a vanilla-flavored cookie whose origins likely aren't even Chinese, we recommend a visit to this Montreal-area restaurant where guests get sheet masks, rather than cookies, at the end of their meal. You don't need to be psychic to know that means better skin is in your near future.

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