So You Think You Can Govern: Goin' Nuclear

This week saw so many eliminations you’d think it was the premiere of a new season of The Bachelor. Sadly, instead of a boring yet objectively attractive man looking for love, it’s been a bloated, over-bronzered Afghan Hound with a bad combover and a weakness for sexual assault calling the shots. Frankly, I’d rather a tan commercial pilot in search of a wife were in charge of our country, so I’m going to cover it like that’s exactly what’s happening.
Bye-Bye Bannon
In what some people call an “administration shake-up” and what I call “a full-on exorcism,” Steve Bannon has been removed from the National Security Council. It’s still hard to understand how a sentient liver spot had a role in the NSC to begin with, but everyone can now breathe a sigh of relief that Bannon and his hate are out of that department.
Like almost all functional humans, Jared Kushner wasn’t a fan of Bannon’s brand of white nationalism. The battle between Trump’s son-in-law and his shorts-loving advisor has been long and brutal, despite this administration being only 11 weeks old, which isn’t even long enough to get to the vacation episode in any Real Housewives season. And maybe Kushner’s motivation was selfish, but what matters is that Steve Bannon no longer has a say in matters of national security.
And if you’re wondering which bastion of intelligence, reason, and political fortitude will be taking his place, it’s Rick Perry. Hope he’s cleaning off his smart glasses right now; he’s going to need them.
Bannon isn’t the only Trumpster (Trump circle member + Dumpster) to not get a rose from a government agency this week. Devin Nunes, the Representative with more leaks than a mesh water bottle, is also going home in the big sad limo away from Washington. He is “stepping away” from the House Intelligence Committee’s investigation into communications with Russia. Look, if Vanderpump Rules’ Kristen Doute taught us anything, it’s that spreading rumors and information will make everyone hate you. Maybe Nunes should make like Doute and get a cute boyfriend and become fun again.
McConnell Goes Nuclear
In the last year, Mitch McConnell has changed his position on confirming Supreme Court justices more times than Khloe Kardashian has changed hair colors. When Justice Antonin Scalia passed away, and President Obama wanted to appoint the very moderate Merrick Garland to the court, McConnell said there would be no confirmation because it was the final year of Obama’s presidency.
Even though we very well may be in the final year of the Trump presidency, McConnell did everything he could to push Trump’s nominee Neil Gorsuch through the Senate, demanding the forced, immediate confirmation despite a Democratic filibuster on Thursday. And it worked: Gorsuch was confirmed Friday morning. McConnell's flipping on the issue is so obvious that, like every important political statement these days, it’s been meme-fied.
So how did the skin suit without a skeleton in it (McConnell) finagle this? He “went nuclear,” or changed the rules so that all the Senate needs is a simple majority to give whomever they want a lifetime seat on the highest court in the land. When I think of “nuclear” I think Teresa Giudice flipping over a table in a suburban New Jersey restaurant. But that’s just me.
Either way, this particular nuclear option is a big deal for how things work in America. Steamrolling the legislature like it’s Jules in an argument with Bethenny Frankel doesn’t exactly uphold our tenet of checks and balances. In fact, it throws it so far out the window it’s clear across the cul-de-sac. RIP, democracy.
This Means War?
Late Thursday night, in response to the unconscionable chemical attacks on the people of Syria, the United States via Donald Trump launched a missile campaign against the region. In response to Assad’s actions, the U.S. deployed 59 Tomahawk missiles, a surprise decision that was made without the assistance of Congress. The people of Syria have suffered greatly, and this is how our nation is responding. It is not funny — but it is an important part of what our president has been up to this week. We encourage you to read more about it here and here; and find ways to help, here.
Other Trumpdates
The Not-So-Great Pumpkin himself hasn’t just been busy figuring out how to ruin the lives of people in Syria, he’s had a lot of other things going on! He’s like the late aughts multi-hyphenate. The way Paris Hilton briefly considered herself an actress-model-singer-designer-dog owner-DJ, Trump is a president-sexual assault defender-liar-woman hater. See, men really can have it all!
After a rash of sexual assault allegations, and dozens of advertisers, including Mercedes Benz and Advil pulling out of his show, Bill O’Reilly still has a friend in Donald Trump. Trump has defended the putrid pundit despite having absolutely no evidence of his innocence. But really, Trump cares about evidence as much as Heather Dubrow cares about being able to move her forehead.
As for the rest of his busy week, Trump pulled funding from the U.N. Population Fund (which provides reproductive health care all over the world), broke his promise to use American steel for the Keystone pipeline, and hinted at Trumpcare coming back from the dead, something many Americans sadly won’t be able to do when they lose their health insurance under the policy. Honestly, Trump has been busier than Nick on The Bachelor in a room full of women asking, “can I steal him for a second?”
Tune in next week when Donald Trump misunderstands “nuclear option” and bombs the United States.
B Roll
Jeff Sessions is reviewing police reform which may affect consent decrees, which are the impetus for reforms, across the nation. I guess the new saying will be, “If it is broke, don’t fix it.”
Despite #EqualPayDay, Ivanka has been quiet on her issue of women in the workplace. Maybe she’s busy learning the definition of “complicit.”
While we’re busy worrying about the economy and equal rights and Syria, Jared Kushner is busy fixing the Middle East. Good thing he has all of that experience!

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