In an epic speech, the late night host spewed verbal venom that eviscerated some of the show's most honored guests — all in the name of good Hollywood fun, of course. The host of the Academy Awards opened the Oscars by insulting half of Hollywood, the POTUS, and even the audience watching at home.
While no one was safe from Kimmel's savagery, some who found themselves on the other end of his biting wit made out better than others. Here's who the host called to the carpet, ranked from least to most savage.
Target: Damien Chazelle
After noting that La La Land is up for 14 Oscars, Kimmel remarked that it's "one for every year Damien has been alive." He then added that Chazelle will be able to "get into any college he wants" should his movie musical sweep.
Target: Justin Timberlake
According to Kimmel, JT sang so well during the Oscars opening number that NSYNC might let him back in the band. Maybe. I guess we'll see how that promised reunion plays out...
Target: Andrew Garfield
Garfield dropped major pounds for Silence, which Kimmel was quick to applaud as a difficult feat. Kimmel, however, also reminded the audience that Garfield's 40-pound weight loss had already been accomplished by pretty much every woman for every role, ever.
Target: Isabelle Huppert
Kimmel admitted that he hadn't seen Elle, the controversial film which scored Huppert a Golden Globe — then, in the most Hollywood way ever, complimented her profusely for her performance anyway.
Target: The Audience
Kimmel announced that there were so many sad movies at the Oscars this year — so many, in fact, that the only happy ending was the one in the middle of Moonlight. The audience cringed, then looked confused, prompting Kimmel to say "Oh, you haven't seen Moonlight? But you love it so much."
Target: La La Land
"Black people saved NASA, and white people saved jazz," declared Kimmel in a quip that summed up one of the Oscar favorite's major issues.
Target: Donald Trump
No opening speech would be without a mention of the current POTUS. Kimmel looked on the bright side, telling the audience: "Remember when everyone thought the Oscars was racist?"
Target: Mel Gibson
Kimmel began his takedown of Gibson by declaring that Kimmel's Oscar gig wasn't going to be able to unite America, no matter what he said in his speech. The host then added: "There's only one Braveheart in the room, and he's not going to unite us, either," before looking right at the Hacksaw Ridge director. He then followed up by telling Gibson that he "looks great" because "the Scientology is working."
Target: Matt Damon
Kimmel just couldn't let his feud with Matt Damon go, even if Damon's film Manchester By the Sea earned the producer an Oscar nod. He told the audience that when he met Damon "I was the fat one," before complimenting the Good Will Hunting actor on passing up a role in Manchester By the Sea in favor of Casey Affleck taking the lead. Instead, Kimmel "applauded" his longtime foe for making a "Chinese ponytail movie" (a.k.a. The Great Wall) that "lost 80 million dollars."
Watch the whole speech below:
Shortly after Kimmel's speech, the group ran to the bar to obtain some ice for these sick, sick burns.