An Open Letter To Everyone I Plan To Unfriend Today

There are certain national days that feel unnecessary. Does anyone celebrate National Vinegar Day (November 1), National Scrapple Day (November 9), or National Carbonated Beverage With Caffeine Day (November 19)? (If so, you should all be celebrating National Absurdity Day this coming Sunday, November 20.) But today, National Unfriend Day, is not one of those ridiculous days. It is a day to take the necessary step of removing certain people from your Facebook life. Sure, on all other days of the year, you can limit those people from your news feed. But now, the time has come to take the plunge and press "unfriend" once and for all.
Photo: Courtesy Facebook.
Dear girl I knew in 10th grade geometry,
Your photos of your 2-year-old have taken over my feed. Little Jonah is adorable — that shot of him smashing his face in cake? So cute, even if it is a bizarre tradition. But you and I haven't spoken in 11 years, and if I'm being totally honest, I don't see that changing anytime soon. Give Jonah my best and please don't ever force him to put his face in cake again.
Dear girl I met on Accepted Students Day,
You seemed really cool! It's too bad we never ended up hanging out during those four years of college. C'est la vie. If you ever make it to New York, hit me up and maybe we can re-friend each other.
Dear college roommate's mom's best friend,
We met that one time on campus and you were so nice. Thanks for getting us out of the dining hall and taking us to that great Thai place. But I just can't read your constant political posts anymore.
Dear funny guy I met on the subway during my second week in New York,
Thanks for affirming that there are some nice, friendly people in the city. I really needed that then. Hope you're doing well wherever you are — by the look of your profile, San Francisco?
Dear temp I met during my first job,
I hope you have a better salary and hours now.
Dear old roommate's friend from home,
I really would have appreciated it if you had cleaned up our bathroom after you went out that Saturday night.
Dear bartender from New Year's Eve last year,
You make killer Moscow Mules. Seriously, the best. But I don't live in that part of town anymore, and it's a real trek on the subway, so I probably won't be back there ever again. No hard feelings?
Dear Mom,
Consider this a warning. Keep commenting on every single one of my posts and you could end up on this list for real next year.

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