Okay, We Need To Talk About All These Creepy Clown Sightings

We have to talk about the clowns. Specifically the epidemic of creepy clown sightings that's sweeping the United States like some sort of smiling cabal of locusts. Or divorced guys that are just trying to prove to their ex-wives that kids like them. Or whatever. The sightings started in Greenville, South Carolina, when two men tried to lure a boy into their house in the woods near a low-income apartment complex, The Guardian writes. Or maybe it was in Green Bay, when a clown named Gags showed up August 1 as part of a viral marketing stunt, according to USA Today. Since then, they've spread steadily. Mostly, the clowns are in the southeastern United States. Some have appeared as far north as Portland. On October 5, clowns appeared in Newcastle-upon-Tyne, in England.
So we have to talk about the clowns. The thing is: Nobody really knows. There are some possibilities, but none of them rises above the rank of outright speculation. Clowns are back in the consciousness. Maybe it's the upcoming release of a movie based on Stephen King's clown-horror book It. (King, by the way, says we should relax about the clowns.) This seems like the most likely and most boring explanation. Two, maybe there's a clownspiracy. Some massive cabal of people have decided that the clownpocalypse is upon us and are trying to warn us the only way they know how: Dressing as our tormentors and leering at children. Why won't people listen to them? Well, clowns are weird, man. Then there are Juggalos. These are the clown-painted fans of the Insane Clown Posse. They're mostly harmless, but they do love doing drugs, drinking Faygo, yelling "whoop whoop," and going to the Gathering of the Juggalos. It's not these guys, but we had to list them. Or maybe Beyoncé Clown has come to take her chilling revenge?

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