The Funniest Movie Quotes Of All Time

Photo: Moviestore/Rex/Shutterstock.
We're all guilty of it. You see a comedy, spew popcorn all over the place laughing, and then spend the next several days repeating your favorite jokes to your friends. Days turn into weeks, and before long you've memorized every single line from Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. People who have never seen Anchorman, didn't find it all that clever, or would like to watch Anchorman without you talking over the actors may find this behavior particularly annoying.
Haters gonna hate, but we totally feel you. Sometimes movie dialogue is so on point that it just has to be treasured, repeated, printed on T-shirts, and so forth. Some lines just sparkle. The serious, somber, important films may win all the awards, but a good poop joke can really stand the test of time.
We'll be regularly updating this list with our favorite lines from films old and new. Read on for the rudest, the crudest, and raddest quotes Hollywood has given us.
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"Did you just look at me? Did you? Look at me! Look at me! How dare you? Close your eyes!"

— Queen Anne (Olivia Colman), The Favourite
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Lindsay: What 'cha doing?
Andy: Writing in my gournal. I write my thoughts in it every day.
Lindsay: Oh, you mean a journal?
Andy: Yeah, whatever. I guess I'm not all smart like you.

—Andy (Paul Rudd) and Lindsay (Elizabeth Banks) in Wet Hot American Summer
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"That is mahogany!"

- Effie Trinket (Elizabeth Banks), The Hunger Games
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"Help me, I'm poor."

- Annie (Kristen Wiig), Bridesmaids
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"Fucking chic."

– Reynolds Woodcock (Daniel Day-Lewis) in Phantom Thread (2017)
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Ms. Perky: People perceive you as somewhat…

Kat Stratford: Tempestuous?

Ms. Perky: ‘Heinous bitch’ is the term used most often.

— Kat Stratford (Julia Stiles) and Ms. Perky (Allison Janney) 10 Things I Hate About You (1999)
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"That's it, Dishonor! Dishonor on your whole family! Dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow!"

— Mushu (Eddie Murphy) in Mulan (1998)
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"By all means move at a glacial pace. You know how that thrills me."

— Miranda Priestley (Meryl Streep) in The Devil Wears Prada (2006)
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Gerry Fleck: "I can't dance, I can't dance, I've got two left feet!"

Cookie Fleck: "I thought he was kidding."

Gerry Fleck: "But I wasn't. I was born with two left feet."

— Gerry (Eugene Levy) and Cookie (Catherine O'Hara) in Best In Show (2000)
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Bob: "Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately."
Peter: "I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob."

— Bob (Paul Wilson) and Peter (Ron Livingston) Office Space (1999)
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Photo: Columbia/Rex/Shutterstock.
Suzanne: "Ma, I'm middle-aged."
Doris: "Dear, I'm middle-aged."
Suzanne: "Really. And how many 120-year-old women do you know?"
-Suzanne (Meryl Streep) and Doris (Shirley MacLaine), Postcards from the Edge

Pictured: Streep and MacLaine
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"Argo fuck yourself."

— Lester Siegel (Alan Arkin) in Argo (2012)
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Rosemary: I had a similar situation when I was your age. I had a horrible reputation.
Olive: Why?
Rosemary: Because I slept with a whole bunch of people. Mostly guys.

— Olive (Emma Stone) talking to her mother, Rosemary (Patricia Clarke) in Easy A
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"Get out of the way, son. You're using my oxygen."

— McMurphy (Jack Nicholson), One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)
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Dina: You know, I got some bomb ass kush if you want to take a hit.
Lisa: Where did you hide it?
Dina: Where the sun don’t shine
Lisa: You know what, that can cause a lot of infection.
Dina: Girl, you can’t get no infection in your booty hole. It’s a booty hole.

— Dina (Tiffany Haddish) & Lisa (Jada Pinkett Smith) in Girls Trip (2017)
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Bob: "It's not a graduation. He's moving from the 4th grade to the 5th grade."
Helen: "It's a ceremony."
Bob: "It's psychotic! They keep creating new ways to celebrate mediocrity."

— Bob (Craig T. Nelson) and Helen (Holly Hunt) in The Incredibles (2004)
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Snap Stills/REX/Shutterstock
Vanessa: “Your parents are probably wondering where you are.”
Juno: “Nah… I mean, I’m already pregnant, so what other kind of shenanigans could I get into?”

— Vanessa (Jennifer Garner) and Juno (Ellen Page) in Juno (2007)
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Gordon: Girls, your mother and I are getting divorced. Monogamy isn't realistic.
Young Amy and Kim: [together] Monogamy isn't realistic.
Gordon: Again!
Young Amy and Kim: [together] Monogamy isn't realistic!

— Gordon (Colin Quinn), Amy (Devin Fabry), and Kim (Carla Oudin) in Trainwreck
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"I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way."

— Jessica Rabbit (Kathleen Turner) in Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988)
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"What do you mean, he don't eat no meat? That's okay, that's okay. I make lamb."

— Aunt Voula (Andrea Martin), My Big Fat Greek Wedding
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James Hamilton/Touchstone/Kobal/REX/Shutterstock
‘“Vamonos, amigos,” he whispered, and threw the busted leather flintcraw over the loose weave of the saddlecock. And they rode on in the friscalating dusklight."

— Eli Cash (Owen Wilson) reading from his book in The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
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Jerry: "I'm a man!"

Osgood: "Well, nobody's perfect."

— Jerry (Jack Lemmon) and Osgood (Joe E. Brown) in Some Like it Hot (1959)
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Photo: Moviestore/Rex/Shutterstock.
"You're dizzy because you played Russian roulette with your vagina."
-Nellie (Gaby Hoffmann), Obvious Child

Pictured: Jenny Slate in Obvious Child
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Phil: "You're not really wearing that are you?"
Alan: "Wearing what?"
Phil: "The man purse. You actually gonna wear that or are you guys just f**kin' with me?"
Alan: "It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it's not a purse, it's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one."
Phil: "So does Joy Behar."

— Alan (Zach Galifianakis) and Phil (Bradley Cooper) in The Hangover (2009)
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Tom: "Splendid, I thought. What did you think?"

Bernard: "I, thought, splendid! What did you think?"

Tom: "Splendid, I thought."

— James Fleet (Tom) and Bernard in Four Weddings and a Funeral (1994)
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David James/MGM/UA/Kobal/REX/Shutterstock
Wanda: "Oh, right! To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I've known sheep that could outwit you. I've worn dresses with higher IQs. But you think you're an intellectual, don't you, ape?"

Otto West: "Apes don't read philosophy."

Wanda: "Yes they do, Otto. They just don't understand it. Now let me correct you on a couple of things, OK? Aristotle was not Belgian. The central message of Buddhism is not "Every man for himself." And the London Underground is not a political movement. Those are all mistakes, Otto. I looked them up."

— Wanda (Jamie Lee Curtis) and Otto (Kevin Kline) in A Fish Called Wanda (1988)
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“Johnny, what do you make out of this?” – Steve McCroskey

“This? Why, I can make a hat or a brooch or a pterodactyl…” – Johnny

— Johnny (Steven Stucker) and Steve (Lloyd McCrosky) in Airplane! (1980)
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Finn McMissile: Finn McMissile, British intelligence.
Mater: Tow Mater, average intelligence.

Cars 2 (2011)
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"I go for a look which I call dead but delicious."

— Vladislav (Jermaine Clement) in What We Do in the Shadows (2014)
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"I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!"

— Jacobin Mugato (Will Ferrell) in Zoolander (2001)
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Universal/Celandine/Monty Python/Kobal/REX/Shutterstock
New Mother: Is it a boy or a girl?

Obstretrician (John Cleese): I think it's a bit early to start imposing roles on it, don't you?

Monty Python and the Meaning of Life (1983)
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Moviestore Collection/REX/Shutterstock
“McLovin? What kind of a stupid name is that, Fogell? What, are you trying to be an Irish R&B singer?”

—Evan (Michael Cera) to Fogell (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) in Superbad (2011)
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"I'm glad he's single, cause I'm gonna climb that like a tree."

— Megan (Melissa McCarthy) in Bridesmaids (2011)
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—Vizzini (Wallace Shawn) in The Princess Bride (1987)
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"Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you'd have a diamond."
— Ferris Bueller (Matthew Broderick) in Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986)
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Nigel Tufnel: The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven and...

Marty DiBergi: Oh, I see. And most amps go up to ten?

Nigel Tufnel: Exactly.

Marty DiBergi: Does that mean it's louder? Is it any louder?

Nigel Tufnel: Well, it's one louder, isn't it? It's not ten. You see, most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten. You're on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you're on ten on your guitar. Where can you go from there? Where?

—Nigel Tufnel (Christopher Guest) and Marty DiBergi (Rob Reiner) in This Is Spinal Tap (1984)
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Rando: “Nice wig, Janice. What’s it made of?”

Janis: “Your mom’s chest hair!”

—Janis Ian (Lizzy Kaplan) in Mean Girls (2004)
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"It's just a flesh wound."

—The Black Knight (John Cleese) during a fight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
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Melinda Sue Gordon/Paramount/Nvp/Red Hour/Village R'Show/REX/Shutterstock
"What is this? A school for ants?"

- Derek Zoolander (Ben Stiller) in Zoolander (2001) after seeing a model of a school he's set to sponsor.

Pictured: Ben Stiller
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Happy Madison Productions/REX/Shutterstock
Waiter: "All right. What can I get you guys?"
Shelley: "Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry?"
Waiter: "I'll ask."

— Shelley Darlingson (Anna Faris), The House Bunny

Pictured: Anna Faris
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“I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.”

— Brick Tamland (Steve Carell), Anchorman

Pictured: Paul Rudd, Will Ferrell, David Koechner, Steve Carell
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Paramount Pictures/REX/Shutterstock
Ted Striker: "Surely you can't be serious."
Dr. Rumack: "I am serious... and don't call me Shirley."
-Ted Striker (Robert Hays) and Dr. Rumack (Leslie Nielson) in Airplane (1980)

Pictured: Julie Hagerty, Lorna Patterson, Peter Graves, and Leslie Nielson
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Photo: Paramount/Rex/Shutterstock.
"He does dress better than I do. What would I bring to the relationship?"
— Cher (Alicia Silverstone), Clueless

Pictured: Justin Walker and Alicia Silverstone
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Photo: SNAP/REX/Shutterstock.
Osgood: "You must be quite a girl."
Daphne: "Wanna bet?"
— Osgood (Joe E. Brown) and Daphne/Jerry (Jack Lemmon), Some Like It Hot

Pictured: Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis
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Photo: Polygram/Channel 4/Working Title/REX/Shutterstock.
Charles: "How do you do. My name is Charles."
Old man: "Don't be ridiculous, Charles died 20 years ago!"
Charles: "Must be a different Charles, I think."
Old man: "Are you telling me I don't know my own brother!"
— Charles (Hugh Grant) and "Old Man" (Kenneth Griffith), Four Weddings and a Funeral

Pictured: Kristin Scott Thomas and Hugh Grant
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Photo: Paramount/Rex/Shutterstock.
"I'm more than the exalted ruler of this land and master of all I survey.
I'm also a concerned dad."
-King Jaffe Joffer (James Earl Jones), Coming to America

Pictured: James Earl Jones (center) with Sheila Johnson, Madge Sinclair, and Paul Bates
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Photo: Focus Features/Rex/Shutterstock.
DS Andy Wainwright: "You do know there are more guns in the country than there are in the city."
DS Andy Cartwright: "Everyone and their mums is packin' round here!"
Nicholas Angel: "Like who?"
DS Andy Wainwright: "Farmers."
Nicholas Angel: "Who else?"
DS Andy Cartwright: "Farmers' mums."
-The Andys (Rafe Spall and Paddy Considine) and Nicholas Angel (Simon Pegg), Hot Fuzz

Pictured: Nick Frost and Simon Pegg
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Hawk Prod/Columbia/Kobal/REX/Shutterstock
"Gentlemen, you can't fight in here. This is the War Room!"

— President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers) in Doctor Strangelove, Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying And Love the Bomb (1963)
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Photo: Universal/REX/Shutterstock.
Andrew: "What do you need a fake I.D. for?"
Brian: "So I can vote."
-Andrew (Emilio Estevez) and Brian (Anthony Michael Hall), The Breakfast Club

Pictured: Anthony Michael Hall
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Photo: Larry D Horricks/20th Century Fox/REX/Shutterstock.
"This is just like when I watched myself in a sex tape. There was just a lot of floundering and laughable moments."
-Nancy (Miranda Hart), Spy

Pictured: Melissa McCarthy and Miranda Hart
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Photo: Moviestore/REX/Shutterstock.
"Americans really have shown themselves to be a nation of ingrates; only by having children can we begin to understand such dynamic."
-Lady Susan (Kate Beckinsale), Love & Friendship

Pictured: Kate Beckinsale
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Photo: MovieStore Collection/Rex/Shutterstock.
"My ex-husband described it as watching his favorite pub burn down.”
-Dr. Rawling (Emma Thompson) on childbirth, Bridget Jones's Baby

Pictured: Renée Zellweger as Bridget
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Photo: Moviestore Collection/Rex/Shutterstock.
Jess: "'Baby talk'? That's not a saying."
Harry Burns: "Oh, but 'baby fish mouth' is sweeping the nation? I hear them talking."
-Jess (Bruno Kirby) and Harry (Billy Crystal) playing Pictionary, When Harry Met Sally

Pictured: Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal
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Photo: Moviestore Collection/REX/Shutterstock.
"You're like a snack-sized Denzel."
-Bob Stone (The Rock), Central Intelligence

Pictured: Kevin Hart and The Rock
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Photo: Moviestore/Rex/Shutterstock.
"Is that Tom Hanks from Cast Away?"
-Robin (Rebel Wilson), referring to her friend's pubic hair, How to Be Single

Pictured: Dakota Johnson and Rebel Wilson
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Photo: Moviestore/Rex/Shutterstock.
"Looks are everything. You ever heard David Beckham speak? It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. Think Ryan Reynolds got this far on his superior acting method?"
-Wade Wilson (Ryan Reynolds), Deadpool

Pictured: Ryan Reynolds as Wade Wilson/Deadpool
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Photo: Moviestore Collection/REX/Shutterstock.
"Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face! Good day to you, madam."
-Buck Russell (John Candy), Uncle Buck

Pictured: John Candy
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Photo: Rex/Shutterstock.
Holland March: "Look on the bright side. Nobody got hurt."
Jackson Healy: "People got hurt."
Holland March: "I'm saying, I think they died quickly. So I don't think they got hurt."
-Holland March (Ryan Gosling) and Jackson Healy (Russell Crowe), The Nice Guys

Pictured: Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe
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Photo: Moviestore/Rex/Shutterstock.
"Anti-wrinkle cream there may be, but anti-fat-bastard cream there is not."
-Dave (Mark Addy), The Full Monty

Pictured: Tom Wilkinson, Robert Carlyle, Steve Huison, Hugo Speer, Paul Barber, and Mark Addy
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Photo: Moviestore/Rex/Shutterstock.
Bumper: "I have a feeling we should kiss. Is that a good feeling or an incorrect feeling?"
Fat Amy: "Well...sometimes I have the feeling I can do crystal meth, but then I think, mmm...better not."
-Bumper (Adam DeVine) and Fat Amy (Rebel Wilson), Pitch Perfect

Pictured: Rebel Wilson
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Photo: Snap/Rex/Shutterstock.
Jules: "Pigs are filthy animals. I don't eat filthy animals."
Vincent: "Bacon tastes gooood. Pork chops taste good."
Jules: "Hey, sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'd never know 'cause I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker. Pigs sleep and root in shit. That's a filthy animal. I ain't eat nothin' that ain't got sense enough to disregard its own feces."
Vincent: "How about a dog? Dogs eats its own feces."
Jules: "I don't eat dog either."
Vincent: "Yeah, but do you consider a dog to be a filthy animal?"
Jules: "I wouldn't go so far as to call a dog filthy but they're definitely dirty. But, a dog's got personality. Personality goes a long way."
Vincent: "Ah, so by that rationale, if a pig had a better personality, he would cease to be a filthy animal. Is that true?"
Jules: "Well we'd have to be talkin' about one charming motherfuckin' pig. I mean he'd have to be 10 times more charmin' than that Arnold on Green Acres, you know what I'm sayin'?"
-Jules (Samuel L. Jackson) and Vincent (John Travolta), Pulp Fiction

Pictured: Samuel L. Jackson
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Photo: Moviestore Collection/REX/Shutterstock.
Annie: "You read my diary?"
Brynn: "At first I did not know it was your diary, I thought it was a very sad, handwritten book."
-Annie (Kristen Wiig) and Brynn (Rebel Wilson), Bridesmaids

Pictured: Maya Rudolph and Kristen Wiig
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Photo: Moviestore Collection/Rex/Shutterstock.
Old Lady: "Are you prepared for Jehovah's return? 'Cause if you're not, we've got a pam..."
[Craig slams the door in their faces.]
Old Lady: "Well, fuck you. Half-dead motherfucker. Come on, sister."
-Old Lady (LaWanda Page) and Craig (Ice Cube), Friday

Pictured: Chris Tucker and Ice Cube
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Photo: Moviestore Collection/Rex/Shutterstock.
Del: "You play with your balls a lot."
Neal: "I do NOT play with my balls."
Del: "Larry Bird doesn't do as much ball-handling in one night as you do in an hour!"
Neal: "Are you trying to start a fight?"
Del: "No. I'm simply stating a fact. That's all. You fidget with your nuts a lot."
Neal: "You know what'd make me happy?"
Del: "Another couple of balls, and an extra set of fingers?"
-Del (John Candy) and Neal (Steve Martin), Planes, Trains & Automobiles

Pictured: Steve Martin
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Photo: Moviestore Collection/Rex/Shutterstock.
Ben Stone: "Do you want to do it doggie style?"
Alison Scott: "You're not going to fuck me like a dog."
Ben Stone: "It's doggie style. It's just the style. We don't have to go outside or anything."
-Ben Stone (Seth Rogen) and Alison Scott (Katherine Heigl), Knocked Up

Pictured: Katherine Heigl and Seth Rogen
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Photo: Moviestore/Rex/Shutterstock.
"We need a little less Forever 21 and a little more Suddenly 42."
-Maura Ellis (Amy Poehler), Sisters

Pictured: Amy Poehler and Tina Fey
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Photo: Moviestore Collection/REX/Shutterstock.
"I'm sorry, do you have some prior commitment? Some hideous-skirt convention you have to go to?"
-Emily (Emily Blunt), The Devil Wears Prada

Pictured: Anne Hathaway, Meryl Streep, and Emily Blunt
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