Laura Stampler is a freelance writer based in New York. Her novel Little Black Dresses, Little White Lies will be out in July 2016. The views expressed here are her own. Earlier this week, Donald Trump revealed Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton’s secret to success. “The only thing she’s got going,” the candidate mansplained, “is the woman card.” But, while some may think that Trump's misogyny was the reason women of America were cringing, they would be wrong. We were actually just annoyed that Trump had revealed the existence of our exclusive “woman card” to the Y-chromosome-carrying half of the population. Well, since the secret's out, we might as well be totally transparent about this magical card's many perks:
A special “discount” on your annual salary. Women generally earn a reduced 78 cents to a man’s dollar — but further mark-offs apply to women of color! (Latinas make 53% of Caucasian male earnings.)
Free healthcare advice from white men in Congress with absolutely zero medical training. The most premium of services.
Extra attention from creepers on the street. Nothing attracts street harassers more than a shiny-and-new, or sweaty-post-workout, or any-condition-really woman’s card.
VIP access to Congress. Only a very select few ladies can indulge in the 80% male legislative sausage fest. …VIP access is also extended to the C-Suite. An exclusive 14.2% of companies’ top five leadership positions are held by women. …And Hollywood. Obvi. …And… Suffice it to say there’s a whole lotta VIP action going on here, okay?
Finally, with your woman card you can also get never-ending, unprompted advice on how you should or should not speak. I'm reserving further commentary pending male consultation.
Donald Trump Says You Have A "Woman Card" — Here's What You Can Use It For