There are a few things you can guarantee in Rosewood: All of the men with college degrees are hooking up with underaged girls. Whoever you need is at The Brew or outside the church. And every week, there's a new murder suspect. In one conversation, the girls moved on from Mr. Montgomery (Chad Lowe) to Sara Harvey (Dre Davis). Why the sudden shift? Because Mr. Montgomery is getting married to the (former?) Mrs. Montgomery (Holy Marie Combs). He put a ring on it and simultaneously bought himself a get-out-of-jail-free card. Literally. The girls promptly put on their marital bliss blinders and moved back to Sara Harvey, who may or may not have been tortured by CeCe (Vanessa Ray), definitely helped torture the four of them, and whom they paid back by leaving her in a fire. It's a logical choice, but way too obvious for Rosewood.
Team Sparia reunited to track down some evidence. Instead, they found a huge insurance risk. Somehow Sara tore down the wall in her hotel room (formerly Charlotte's room from her stay in Radley Sanitarium) and found a secret passage to the pre-renovated hotel. Yes, they found artifacts of the mental institution. This is maybe the most unbelievable storyline yet: What fancy hotel would leave remnants of a pre-existing mental institution behind? (Oh yeah, the kind that didn't even bother to change the name. The owners should create a ghost tour package and hire the girls to be the tour guides. Easy money, people. Easy. Money.) We'll have to wait until next week to see what's down the rabbit hole. For now, all we know is Aria (Lucy Hale) decided to go adventuring by herself into what is probably "B's" lair. And Sara Harvey is definitely lying about something. In summary: The girls are making dumb decisions and everyone is lying. So just another Tuesday in Rosewood.
Here are the 29 questions that left us confused, angry, and concerned about people's intelligence (yes, we know the girls are fictional) from tonight's episode:
1. Why would Aria's parents get engaged again without letting their kids know? I imagine most people would like a heads up that their divorced parents are rekindling before there is a new ring.
2. Really, Hanna (Ashley Benson) wants to dress Katy Perry!? Out of all the celebrities in the world?
3. Why is Hanna not concerned all of her conversations are being heard in real time? And only her conversations? Seriously, she should start wondering if it's related to where she'e staying — in Lucas' (Brendan Robinson) apartment.
4. Did Hanna's fashion industry boss need to be written as offensive as possible? I guess it at least somewhat brought up fashion's diversity problem.
5. Why do people keep telling Hanna to focus on her wedding when she's currently a suspect for murder and she actually erased evidence in said murder case? Planning a wedding isn't easy.
6. Did the girls make any new friends in the last five years? Or did they only find new love interests?
7. "B's" big threat is that he or she is going to crash Hanna's wedding? That is quite a departure from the death threats of past seasons.
8. LOL. "I didn't know you worked here....I knew you worked here, I don't know why I lied." Why haven't Sara Harvey's lines and acting abilities improved?
9. Why are Sara and Ali (Sascha Pieterse) they having a fight over who knew Charlotte better?
10. Does Sara not remember Charlotte "tortured" her? And did Ali forget that Charlotte forced her to fake her death and then attempted to murder Ali and her friends for years?
11. Why would Emily (Shay Mitchell) let Ali stay at Lucas' apartment? Considering Ali called Lucas "Hermie" during his formative years?
12. Mona (Janel Parrish) is Yvonne's (Kara Royster) assistant? With all of the phone hacks and this "coincidence" we know who the next red herring is going to be.
13. If this show ends with Mona, the initial "A," also being "B", can I get the last five years of my life back?
14. Aria got an adjoining room with Sara? Well that is some nice reference to "A's" lair and the adjoining motel room the Liars spent a lot of time in.
15. What kind of money is Aria making at her first book publishing job that allows her to take random hotel rooms out of her paycheck — especially after not really working for weeks?
16. Does Sara have X-ray vision? We are expected to believe that she could see into the hotel room's peep hole?
17. Why would Emily elect to have a surgery when she has a new stalker? The last stalker used hospitals as playgrounds.
18. ...or when she still had PTSD from her traumatic childhood?
19. When Spencer (Troian Bellisario) said, "I haven't broken in anywhere since my dorm room" did she forget that she just graduated from college in the last year?
20. "I should have thought ahead and worn flats." How are they just realizing that they need to exclusively wear flats to run away from all the crazy people they attract?
21. Why would Emily let Ali stay in the room to hear her confidential, medical information? She didn't even want to call her back earlier in the day.
22. Why would Emily let anything with her DNA be released after her high school experience? Those eggs are not safe. "B" already has them, to be honest.
23. Where are these girls getting their money? They are 23 years old and they can just quit their jobs without hesitation? Talk about having f*ck off funds.
24. Why are the girls allowed to leave Rosewood right now? They are murder suspects...again.
25. How is it possible for a fancy hotel to have a hole in a room's wall leading to a pre-constructed area that just so happens to be a mental institution?
26. It has a ladder and goes down to the basement. I can't extend disbelief that much. What contractor would miss that? What insurance would be OK with that? Oh, right, none and none.
27. Why would Aria go down into that creepy hole without letting Spencer know what she was doing?
28. Why were the girls ever allowed back in Rosewood? If I lived in that town, I would have voted against neighbors who attract murders. This is what neighborhood associations are for, right?
29. In the previews Aria asks, "There is more that one person after us?" How can they not realize that multiple people have been after them since they were 16? Do they not remember that weird moment in New York when they were surrounded by dozens of people in black hoods a couple seasons ago?