8 Things You Need To Know This AM — Oct 06 2015

Textbook company McGraw-Hill will no longer refer to American slaves as “workers” and “immigrants” after being called out by everyone with eyes and a working knowledge of American history. McGraw-Hill Education, the publisher behind a majority of your high school nightmares, has promised to update a passage in a geography textbook that suggests African slaves were merely “workers” brought to the South. The textbook also (inaccurately, as if that even needs saying) claims that slaves received payment for their time in the fields. McGraw-Hill responded to critics by posting a statement on their Facebook, writing, “We agree that our language in that caption did not adequately convey that Africans were both forced into migration and to labor against their will as slaves.” (Washington Post)

An NYU student who was detained by North Korea for six months has finally been released. If you thought you made some mistakes during your semester off from college, just listen to the story of 21-year-old South Korean NYU student Joo Won-moon. He was arrested back in April after he attempted to illegally sneak into North Korea, which bans all South Korean travel into the country unless prior government permission is obtained. After spending six months in detention, the student, who has permanent U.S. citizenship, was released near the border and repatriated to South Korea. Joo says he thought his actions would “have a good effect on the relations” between North and South Korea. (Newsweek)

Carly Fiorina believes her degree in medieval history will help her fight ISIS. Can’t wait to defeat our enemies with facts about feudalism and tapestries! The next time your parents ask what you plan on doing with a major in gender studies and minor in religion with a concentration in East Asia, just point to GOP candidate Carly Fiorina, who firmly believes that her undergraduate degree in medieval history would aid her in combatting ISIS. “What ISIS wants to do is drive us back to the Middle Ages, literally,” Fiorina told a New Hampshire town hall. “Every single one of the techniques that ISIS is using, the crucifixion, the beheadings, the burning alive, those were commonly used techniques in the Middle Ages.” Since the politician has a bachelor’s degree in medieval history and philosophy from Stanford, she is perfectly qualified to turn this thesis into a ten-page paper and bore terrorists into submission. (ABC News)

After years of being terrible and creepy, American Apparel filed for bankruptcy. Pour one out for all the high-waisted pants and bodysuits that’ll never have the chance to give you camel toe.

After 26 years of selling crop tops and shiny leotards to teenagers and twentysomethings who wanted to look like teenagers, American Apparel filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. The announcement came as no surprise, since the beleaguered retailer has been steadily losing ground and is embroiled in boardroom drama involving founder and former CEO Dov Charney, who was ousted in 2014. Worth around $1 billion at its peak, the company allegedly lost $300 million over the past five years. But this isn’t the end of the store, claims current CEO Paula Schneider. “By improving our financial footing, we will be able to refocus our business efforts on the execution of our turnaround strategy,” she said in a statement. (USA Today)

A Florida Senate hopeful admits he previously sacrificed a goat and drank its blood, which is what Donald Trump calls “brunch.”

The tenor of the presidential race may seem pretty crazy, but nothing is crazier than the news coming out about the Florida libertarian who is seeking Marco Rubio’s seat in the Senate. Candidate Augustus Sol Invictus — a name of his own design — readily admits that he drank a sacrificial goat’s blood after taking a spiritual journey through the Mojave Desert. “I know that’s probably a quibble in the mind of most Americans,” the lawyer and apparent pagan said. If that’s not bananas enough, Invictus is also using Mussolini’s symbol of fascism to represent his campaign and once wrote a college paper about the need for eugenics. (Slate)

Hillary Clinton announced a new plan to tighten gun laws, including extended background checks. In the wake of Oregon’s tragic school shooting that left nine creative writing students dead, Hillary Clinton has revealed a new proposal that would impose stricter regulations on gun sales and allow shooting victims to sue gun manufacturers. Her plan would also require sellers at gun shows to perform background checks and prohibit domestic abusers from acquiring guns. “I will try every way I can to get those guns out of the hands of people who shouldn't have them,” Clinton said. (BBC News)

James Franco is finally a man after having a bar mitzvah for charity. Whatever, bet his party wasn’t as dope as Hannah’s bat, “On Broadway!” (Camp Danbee bunk 5 forever!)

As part of pal Seth Rogan’s fourth-annual variety show, Hilarity For Charity, a star-studded event that raises money and awareness for Alzheimer’s, James Franco got bar mitzvahed at 37 years old. The ceremony was no joke: The star did everything your typical prepubescent Jewish boy does, including reading a portion of the Torah in Hebrew. “I wanted to circumcise him,” Rogen joked during an appearance on The Tonight Show. “If I had I choice of a Jew thing to do to him, I would have done that, but I took the bar mitzvah.” (Vulture)

Cosmopolitan called the Kardashians “America’s first family;” everyone on the internet agrees its time to burn it all down and start over. Dear Cosmopolitan: It’s probably not the greatest idea to celebrate your 50th anniversary by calling the cast of a popular reality TV show “America’s first family” — especially when we already have a first family. You know, the one that lives in the White House? Furious Twitter users were quick to remind Cosmo of the Obamas’ existence after the magazine crowned Kylie, Kendall, Kourtney, Kris, Kim, and Khloe American royalty on the mag's new cover. (Time)