According to a story in today's Daily News, Leonardi DiCaprio was something of a Pied Piper for women when he swept through a club at Art Basel Miami over the weekend. A "spy" tells the paper's gossip column, Confidenti@l, that DiCaprio left a 1 Oak popup with every single woman in the VIP section, leaving a stunned Joe Jonas and Brandon Davis in his wake.
"He left with 20 girls. Leo and 20 girls. He is my hero," Confidenti@l's "awestruck snitch" told the paper. "He was overflowing with models everywhere. The Jonas brother looked scared, like he was going to drown and suffocate in the women. His face was hilarious."
DiCaprio is now being hailed across the Internet as some kind of conquering hero, journeying to Art Basel to collect women instead of works of art. It feels quite icky, if we're being honest. Say these 20 women did, in fact, leave 1 Oak with the actor. Why does everyone automatically assume they spent the night communing in a massive orgy?
We choose to ignore the implied sexcapades in favor of the following ideas. Here's what we'd like to imagine went down when Leonardo DiCaprio walked up in the club and got 20 women to follow him out one balmy night in South Beach.
— The models explained proper hair care and man bun maintenance to DiCaprio. He'll be more Leto and less Leo the next time we see him.
— After purchasing a painting for every single woman in his party, Leo and the ladies settled in for a hearty discussion of empty space in works of art. This, of course, led to a singalong and reenactment of Taylor Swift's "Blank Space" video. DiCaprio just can't get enough of that pen click.
— DiCaprio, a champion for environmental activism, shared his sketches for a new eco-friendly clothing line made entirely out of hemp. The women weighed in on skirt length ("No, what you have there is more of a shirt, Leo..."), and Woody Harrelson Skyped in with some of his own thoughts on sustainable clothing.
— They all had a good laugh over Joe Jonas' face when Leo left him with absolutely no prospects in the VIP room. We'd feel bad for Joe Jonas, but we're sure he quickly moved on to another club with females aplenty.
— The women consoled Leo over his breakup with Toni Garrn. Sometimes you just need a slumber party with your best gal pals to get over a split.