If you haven’t been watching The Hills: New Beginnings, I don’t blame you. It’s one of the dumbest, most vapid and soul-destroying things on TV but I don’t have a boyfriend or any ambition, so I have been watching.
Let me fill you in on what you've missed: Heidi (one half of the best celeb couple portmanteaux ever, 'Speidi') seems like quite a nice woman now. She openly admits to being screwed up by fame and money and endangering her life to have dozens of cosmetic surgery procedures to radically overhaul her appearance. She's grown up and is a doting mother and a loving wife to Spencer, which makes her worthy of canonisation in itself. Spencer is still a giant ego pigman, but now comes with his own overpriced crystal collection. Spencer's sister, Stephanie Pratt is still a shit-stirrer and I hate myself for saying this but Brody has remained hot, although the fact that he requires everyone around him to feign interest in his DJ'ing or terrible band makes me lose my boner (a bit).
It's also quite heartening to see one of the original Hills peripheral characters (and serial fuck-up) Jason off the drink and drugs and trying to turn his life around with his wife and baby. All great but it makes for boring TV. As does Audrina, who is still a wet lettuce, but we'll let her off the hook 'cause she's raising a kid and going through a custody battle with her angry ex. What I can't forgive her for is that she still – astoundingly, inexplicably – seems to have feelings for resident 'bad boy' biker Justin Bobby.
Yes, none other than free spirit, can't-tie-me-down, just-back-from-a-month-in-Nicaragua, the rocker, the enigma, the inimitable Justin Bobby! Except men like Justin Bobby (or Justin Booby as I like to call him) are a dime a dozen.
C'mon, you know the type. He quotes Nietzsche, will bore you senseless about vinyl and describes himself as a lover not a fighter. He fancies himself a modern man but only dates models. He owns more skull accessories than Johnny Depp and has perfected the art of looking at the floor then looking back at you, as if that means something. Telling you that you're beautiful and then coming on your back is his signature move.
In this season of The Hills we see Justin Bobby in all his glory. In episode one, he and Audrina go on a date but for two people between whom everyone (them especially) is always telling us there is so much chemistry and history, they have SFA to say to each other beyond pleasantries and platitudes. "I don’t think that was the love of your life," JB tells Audrina about her ex.
A few days later he's ignoring her, gaslighting her, denying a kiss and hitting on Stephanie while dressed like Slash. When questioned, Justin Bobby is quick to anger, not happy when the veil of his super chill surfy BS is lifted. Eventually he decides that he can't get into anything with Audrina (again) because she has a kid and wants commitment – but more because Justin Bobby is B-B-B-Bad to the bone.
"I love to be the person to fly the coop," he tells Stephanie. Of course you do JB, no one can contain your pilgrim soul.
What else have I gathered about Justin from watching The Hills reboot? Well, I can say that he wears a bolo tie but is probably allergic to horses and has so much product in his hair that it looks like he just came out of a pond. He constantly chews gum. In fact, I think I can hear him chewing gum from here. He still rides Harleys and thinks he speaks French. He can avoid a question like the most assiduous politician. When Audrina asks blankly: "Are you dating anyone?" he replies: "I mean I feel something coming on…"
That's our Justin, a man who stands for nothing, except double denim.
Yet in a total snore of a show, his bits to camera were a gift, because he is unknowing king of malapropisms, once telling Audrina that his acoustic set with just him and his bassist will be "more devirginised". But his pound shop philosophy is best when he applies it to his favourite topic – himself.
Take this gem: "Am I a fish that swims around, yes? And if you go up to a fish in a fish tank and tap on the glass, what does the fish do? It scares you off and says leave me alone." Pearls before swine, Justin Bobby, pearls before swine.
Then there's this word vomit: "I’m a man’s man, I like to see a woman’s woman, there’s boys' boys, there’s girls' girls, there’s young adults, there’s adolescents…there’s guys and girls and then there’s men and women."
See what I mean? Justin Bobby thinks he’s a Plutarch or a Plato but he’s more Homer Simpson.
Before anyone accuses me of being bitter and bilious, allow me to explain my irrational ire. I have dated many a Justin Bobby and this is all I know: Men like him are forever telling us that they can’t be tied down, no woman alone can sate or tame them, they are ethereal, not to be constrained by the shackles of society (i.e. replying to texts or wearing a condom). So I say, let’s unleash them, let them run free. Back to the fine white sands of Nicaragua with you, JB. Hop on your £100,000 motorbike, eschewing materialism but safe in the knowledge that you are getting a good rate for your condo on Airbnb, and ride off into the sunset, you maverick.