75 Questions You Should Ask Your Partner About Intimacy & Sex For A Better Relationship

Dating and relationships can be tough these days, so how do you create a lasting foundation when it comes to intimacy? Couples counsellor Michelle Janssen, from Brisbane Couples Counselling, tells Refinery29 Australia that conversation is key. "Embrace the conversations about sex, romance, intimacy inside and outside the bedroom," she says. "It's important to be able to discuss wants, needs and desires outside of initiating sex. This helps ensure the conversation is easier and reduces pressure from being in the heat of the moment."

She has come up with 75 questions to ask your partner at every stage of the relationship, whether you're just getting started or you've been together forever. From introducing new things to the bedroom to developing intimacy, these questions will make sure you're both on the same page. "In the early stages of getting to know someone, you naturally want to ensure enthusiastic consent and check in with them about what is and isn't okay, what feels good for them and what they'd like. But beyond a physical level, I think it's also about understanding the meaning they assign to sex and affection," Janssen says. "In other words, discuss how important sex is to them, what their expectations are, and what their history with it is."

Below, find a list of questions to ask your significant other to strengthen your relationship.

— What does physical affection mean to you in a relationship?
— Do you need things like hand holding or regular kisses to feel connected?
— Do you crave physical affection or is it something you need to warm up to?
— How do you feel about public displays of affection? What is too much or too little?
— Is there a difference for you between affection that feels loving vs sexual?
— Are there kinds of physical touch that make you feel cared for?
— Are there types of physical affection that make you uncomfortable or that you dislike?
— Do you have any sensory needs to consider around touch?
— How do you know when you're ready for physical closeness with someone new?
— What makes physical intimacy feel safe for you when dating someone new?
— Have you ever felt rushed or pressured during physical intimacy - and what was that like for you? How can I be sensitive to that?
— Do you have an ideal pace for how physical intimacy and affection develop?
— What does sex mean to you?
— Do you see sex as something that requires an emotional connection first?
— Do you see sex as something that helps you feel more emotionally connected?
— Has your relationship with sex changed over time?
— Are there values or beliefs you hold around sex that are important for your partner to understand?
— In a long term relationship, what does a healthy sex life look like to you?
— Is there anything from your past that would be helpful for me to know and be sensitive to?
— How would you like to communicate when something doesn't feel right physically, both in the moment and afterwards?
— Is it easy for you to initiate sex?
— Is it hard for you to decline sex?
— Have you ever been in a situation where your physical needs weren't met? What was that like for you? 
— What makes you feel emotionally safe with a partner?
— When you feel stressed or overwhelmed, do you seek physical space or closeness? 

— How do you know when you are ready for intimacy with someone for the first time?
— Do you prefer to discuss intimacy beforehand or let it unfold naturally?
— How can we let each other know if we need to slow down or pause?
— Is there anything we could do beforehand to feel more at ease?
— Is there anything you need to know or discuss before we become intimate? (i.e., use of protection, recent STI checks, exclusivity in partners)?
— Regarding consent, how can we best navigate this?
— Regarding consent, do you need or want a combination of verbal check-ins and me 'reading the room'?
— Is there anything that makes it tricky for you to speak up if you're not enjoying something?
— How can I help you be present during sex and achieve the right headspace for it?— Is there anything you dislike regarding sex or physical affection that I should be aware of?
— How can I check in with you during sex to ensure things are ok without breaking the moment?
— What makes seeking consent feel natural rather than awkward for you?
— Do you have any physical issues or sensitivities that i should be aware of?
— What is the best/ideal way to initiate sex with you?
— What is the worst way to initiate sex with you?
— How could we decline sex in a way that doesn't make either of us feel rejected?
— Do you find it hard to ask for what you want sexually?
— Is there anything you need after sex to feel connected?
— Do you notice any patterns in yourself around physical intimacy—things you tend to do or feel?
— Are there things that are completely off the table for you?
— Is there anything about intimacy you wish someone had asked you that no one ever has?
— Do you find questions or discussions about sex awkward? What could make them feel more comfortable?
— How do you feel about ongoing conversations regarding what is working sexually and what's not?
— How can we gently bring up issues if either of us feels unhappy or has an unexpressed need?
— Is there anything else you haven't shared, that you'd like to? 

— When is the best time for us to talk about our sex life?
— Have you ever wanted to try something new sexually, but not known how to bring it up?
— If you're feeling nervous or unsure about this discussion, how can we best signal that to each other?
— What makes it easier to suggest something you'd like to try?
— Is it easier for you to have this conversation in person? Or via text?
— What would help you feel safe enough to be completely honest in this conversation?
— Is there a way I can bring up a new idea without you feeling pressured?
— Is there anything sexually you've been curious about that you'd like to explore?
— Or, even if you're unsure whether you want to try it, has anything sparked your curiosity?
— Are there desires you have that you feel embarrassed about or struggle to know how to share?
— What's making you want to try something new right now?
— What do you think adding something new will do for our relationship/sex life
— Are there any boundaries we need to discuss regarding this?
— Is there anything off the table that you want to name immediately?
— How do we communicate that we'd like to pause or stop if the new thing isn't working out?
— How can we best process the new item afterwards to ensure we're on the same page?
— Is there anything you'd need to feel physically comfortable to try this new thing?
— How do you want me to check in with you during the process?
— Do you feel like you can say no if you want to?
— What do you need immediately after we try the new thing?
— If we try something, and one of us loves it while the other doesn't, how do we navigate that?
— Is there anything about this that you haven't shared, that you'd like to share?
— If this doesn't feel like a priority for you right now, do you feel comfortable sharing that with me?
— If we notice any communication issues arising, are we comfortable enough to discuss any emotional connection issues?
— If one of us feels awkward, is it okay to share that or will it break the mood? 

For even more questions to ask your significant other, we have a list of 165 relationship conversation starters here.