How Often Should Couples Really Be Having Sex In A Relationship?

There's so much lore flying around about healthy and happy relationships that it's hard to decipher what's real and what's some made-up fantasy. From unrealistic portrayals of sex lives in films, TV shows and books, to gossip sessions with your friends, it's hard to know what's normal. Should you be ripping each other's clothes off at every chance you can get, or is twice a month perfectly respectable? Lovehoney Sexologist Christine Rafe tells Refinery29 Australia you should throw out all ideas of hitting a target, because there's no such thing as normal when it comes down to it (and you get down to it). "A healthy sex life is what feels good for you and your relationship if you are in one. Some couples are happy having sex multiple times a week, while others feel just as connected with less frequency or no sex," she says. "What matters more is the quality of sexual experiences (which is not only about orgasm) as well as mutual satisfaction. If both people in a relationship feel fulfilled and connected, that's a healthy sex life, regardless of how often it happens."

Rafe adds that what we commonly assume to be true is often an exaggeration. While many people can think other couples are having sex several times a week, the average is closer to a couple of times per month. "I always remind people that comparison is the biggest thief of intimacy, and an arbitrary number of times having sex says absolutely nothing about whether anyone is actually enjoying the sex they're having. What you see or hear about other couples isn't the full picture, and often isn't accurate anyway," she says. "Instead of focusing on what's 'normal', it's more helpful to clarify: Are we both feeling happy, satisfied and connected? Can I ask for what I want or need in sex? If the answer is yes, you're doing just fine." If you find yourself saying no, you can see that as an opportunity to have some clear and open communication rather than criticising yourself or your partner.

Amanda Lambros, Relationship Therapist and Sexologist tells us that sex can be fundamental in some relationships, but it's the overall relationship health that matters most. "Sex is important for many relationships as a way to connect, express intimacy, and foster closeness," Lambros notes. "That said, it's possible to have a fulfilling relationship without sex, especially if both partners are on the same page. Conversely, relationships based purely on sex without emotional connection tend to be short-lived or leave important needs unmet."

The therapist adds that many couples go through "ebbs and flows", and we should be focusing on "quality, connection, and mutual satisfaction." Besides, as we move through different stages of life, our sex lives are bound to change. Not only do our circumstances differ, but our bodies don't stay the same. "Most couples don't sustain ongoing 'spontaneous' sex beyond the first couple of years when the way our bodies release hormones changes," Rafe explains. "On top of relationship changes, stress, work, health, and life stages all impact libido and contexts that support sexual desire and access, and that is unfortunately inevitable. A couple with kids is likely to have a different sex life compared to a couple with no children in the first six months of their relationship."

According to Lambros, cultivating a healthy sex life starts by prioritising your emotional connection first. "[Also] maintaining curiosity, communicating openly about desires and boundaries, and being patient with yourself and your partner," she adds.

Rafe shares five tips when it comes to kickstarting and maintaining a healthy sex life: open communication, prioritising non sexual connection as a precursor to sexual intimacy, taking the pressure off, curiosity, and looking after your wellbeing. "It's important to communicate without judgment. Whether that's about desires, boundaries or fantasies, fostering healthy communication is the first step," she says. Quality time can also help fuel sexual desire and interest, so emotional intimacy and non sexual intimacy is just as important as heading straight to the bedroom.

Finally, stop putting pressure on your sexual encounters to be "perfect". Explore new things together, which can include different settings, techniques or toys, and make sure you stay healthy. "Stress, sleep and mental health all impacts libido. Supporting your overall health supports your sex life too," she says.

It's time to move away from unrealistic expectations or pressure, and instead focus on individual relationships and what feels healthy and "right" — not for anyone in your orbit or what you've seen on TV, but for you.