Remember all those Tinder dates you've taken to a bar after work? Some of them were great, some were decent, some were awkward, and some were like diving straight into the ninth circle of hell. But all of those dates were at least partially witnessed by the person behind the bar.
Bartenders have prime seats to watch your awkward Tinder date go down. And when they're done watching your date flame out, some log onto Reddit and write every sordid and hilarious detail down. So, we scoured through Reddit's bartender tags for the best bad-date stories bartenders had to share. Rest assured, you're not the only person who sat next to a person who never looked up from their phone, or who sat through an hour of strained small talk wishing you could go home.
Read on for nine stories that just might make you feel better about your own bad bar dates.
"I was bartending and had this couple that were sort of regulars. She would order more buttery nipples than anyone should ever order... Ever...
"After her 8th buttery nipple, she called me over and asked with her increasingly slurring speech she asks me, "Hey. D'youwanna know why I always zrink buttery nipples?" and then flashed me her boobies for an extended moment right next to her boyfriend. He was not so happy with her, but it didn't ruin their night... So that was cool." — scippi6 via Reddit
"Lady came in and sat down, she was a drop dead gorgeous redhead whose ID said 41 but I would have guessed 28 to 32. We chatted for a bit and she told me she was here to meet a blind date she found using eHarmony. After a little while I noticed she was still alone, and was already thinking about how this poor guy was about to miss out on a golden opportunity, and then he showed up...out of breath...sweaty...and looking like Milton from Office Space. He waddled up to her at the bar, introduced himself, and said, 'I thought you said you were gonna dress up?'
"Needless to say, the date didn't last long." — Logic_Nom via Reddit
"You get used to hearing the middle of people's conversations as a bartender or waiter. It's fun sometimes. Sometimes a drunk, middle aged woman clearly on a blind date with a guy with a ponytail says things like, '...and I've never been more humiliated and turned on at the same time.'" — DeweySinclair via Reddit
"I once bartended at a club for a college function, uppity rich kids mostly. I had a couple parked at the end of my bar, both fresh 21. I don't think they were actually a couple to start, they came separately and spent the first hour or so in awkward small talk. Then out of nowhere they started sucking face, really strangely like they'd never done it before, with both of their asses still on the stools leaning over really, really far to get to each other. It was weird to watch. It was still better than when they decided to make out on top of the bar though, which of course was short lived because NO and PLEASE STOP." — mostbeautifulplague via Reddit
"I've got tons of awkward date stories from bartending for bars as well as weddings and other receptions.
"Drunk guy trying to be funny to a (very) sexy girl on the dance floor and eventually throwing up all over her and the dance floor... check.
"Girl publicly dumps boyfriend and leaves with another guest, boyfriend ends up chugging shot after shot and finally leaves with a regular dude after exchanging a lot of saliva with him... check.
"I stopped bartending a few years ago, but it's a never ending source of cool stories." — yupynut via Reddit
"She got here ten minutes ago and has already said 'Are you serious right now?' three times. She has also said 'I'm sorry dude, but that's pretty racist.' twice.
"Oh my god, she left before I even finished writing this post. I love this job." — u/VictrolaBK via Reddit
"I posted about a hilariously bad Tinder date I witnessed on my Facebook wall and a colleague commented about a horrible Tinder date he witnessed that same night. This is his story:
"I had one at my place tonight: She chugged three glasses of wine, when the guy went to the restroom she asked me for a pen and paper, wrote down her number and asked me to give it to another guy at the end of the bar. After she went to the restroom, the guy told me the note asked him to save her from a terrible first date. He sent a note back saying he's married and wished her good luck. The girl turned red, but stayed and got drunk. Later, her date asked about the note I gave her and she replied that she had simply wanted a prince on white horse to come save her from this terrible first date. Upon hearing this the guy got up and left, sticking her with the $120 tab."
"I laughed and she called me an asshole, and then didn't tip." — u/VictrolaBK via Reddit
"I had one where dude came in and ordered a double to 'calm the nerves.' He then told [his date] how she was 'much more attractive than other girls he had met because she wasn't too fat.'" — Burgher_NY via Reddit
"Oh man, one of my favorites is when one of the two gets there first. Usually the one who has an inclination the other is not who they presented in their pictures. They have a few shots or strong drinks and wait. Then when the other party shows up... "Oh hey! I just got here, yeah. Let's order a drink!" Nothing like some liquid courage." — behvin via Reddit