I’m Happily Married. But If I Ever Divorced, I’d Never Do It Again
I have a confession to make. And it’s the kind I can only say now, in my thirties, after having a child and after finding and marrying an incredible man: I love my husband. I love our life. And I love our daughter. But if we ever divorced, I would never get married again.
It’s not because marriage has failed me. Javy and I met during the middle of the pandemic (remember 2020?) on the Latino dating app Chispa, and we’ve been attached ever since. We dated for six months before moving in together, and we got married in Las Vegas in 2023, when I was already three months pregnant. He’s a great partner and father. He works two full-time jobs, and still teaches our daughter how to count in Spanish and helps out during bath time. It truly feels like I’ve found a diamond in the rough.
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But five years later, I now understand what the real cost of partnership looks like and what marriage asks for. And if I ever had to rebuild my life from scratch, I simply would not hand all of that over to someone else again.
Marriage, even the good kind, demands things from women that it doesn’t equally demand from men. No, I don’t mean the often-physical labor of keeping a house or raising a family, though, according to the Gender Equity Policy Institute, heterosexual women perform twice the amount of childcare and household work as their male counterparts. But for many women, that can be the tip of the invisible labor iceberg: How you plan your day with someone else’s schedule factored in and how you approach bills and major life decisions — it all changes with another autonomous person’s thoughts, hopes, and limitations thrown into the mix. Psychology Today revealed that women end marriages not only because of abuse or infidelity, but also because “the relationship is no longer worth the sacrifices required of them.” Turns out, the emotional labor, lack of empathy from partners, and unequal effort are just some of the reasons many women walk away.
Historically, marriage has been an institution built on women’s sacrifice, emotionally, socially, and even legally. For generations, women have swallowed our needs, softened our ambitions, and built our identities around care: care for our partners, our home, our children, and everyone else before us. And for Latinas, in particular, who were often raised in cultures where love is shown through service, where “familia primero” isn’t a suggestion but a moral code, it’s frighteningly easy to slip into roles our mothers and grandmothers carried, even when we swore we never would. And it’s not because we’re weak but rather because the world still subconsciously expects it, praises it, and labels anything less as selfish.
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"Historically, marriage has been an institution built on women’s sacrifice, emotionally, socially, and even legally."
Paulina Roe
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I went into marriage thinking I understood partnership, but once the cake was eaten and the honeymoon was over, I realized how much of my life had become work to keep our lives functioning. The calendar-keeping, the appointments, the remembering, the meal-planning, and the million invisible decisions that keep a household running — it all fell on me by default. I carried it convincing myself it was normal and every partnership goes through this. And part of that came from my culture. I married a loving, devoted Latino man who was raised in a world where men are applauded for “helping.” And I’m a Latina raised with the same script: be strong, but also be accommodating. Build a life, but also carry everyone else’s.
This isn’t how things are for us anymore. Eventually, we talked it over and agreed that we’re not continuing that cycle. Not in our marriage and not for our daughter. And slowly, things shifted. Not perfectly, but intentionally. Today, he carries his share of both the parenting and day-to-day responsibilities.
“Marriage isn’t always 50/50,” Stella Barrutia, LCSW, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker based in Chicago, tells Refinery29 Somos. “Some days, it’s 80/20. Other days, it’s 20/80. When the foundation is truly love and respect, the balance will always realign. The challenge is that many women are taught, implicitly or explicitly, that once they’re married, they must continue doing everything for themselves — and now also for their husbands and children.”
Barrutia, whose work is bicultural and includes a focus on Latine experiences, added that “honest conversations about partnership, roles, ambitions, and expectations are absolutely essential” when it comes to choosing a life partner. In other words, the day-to-day setup of marriage and partnership can be imperfect while the relationship itself is deeply loving.
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"For Latinas, in particular, who were often raised in cultures where love is shown through service, where “familia primero”isn’t a suggestion but a moral code, it’s frighteningly easy to slip into roles our mothers and grandmothers carried, even when we swore we never would."
Paulina Roe
”
My critique is of the structure, not with the man I chose. Javy is a great partner and a great father, and I’m so grateful for him. He fully supports my career and business, cares for our family to make sure we never go without, and shows up when life gets heavy. He brings steadiness into our lives. Just last week, after a 24-hour shift at the firehouse, he walked in, took our baby out of her crib when she woke up at 7 a.m., and fed her breakfast, did the whole routine, and let me sleep without ever making it seem like a favor.
But marriage as an institution? It’s complicated and, based on current trends, is becoming outdated.
Here’s the reality: Americans are getting married way less and much later than previous generations. The marriage rate in the U.S. has dropped by more than 50% since the early 1900s, and only about 1 in 5 people in their mid-20s today has ever been married, the lowest level ever recorded. People of all genders aren’t rushing down the aisle anymore, and instead are taking their time, building careers, and figuring out who they are before they sign up for that kind of commitment.
And the myth that marriage is the only path to stability? Well, that’s gone, too. Latinas, and women in general, are now earning more college degrees than men, and we’re showing up in spaces our mothers and abuelas could only dream about. Financial independence has shifted the power dynamic, too. And to add to that, women are delaying motherhood (I had my first baby at 31), choosing different family structures, and rejecting the idea that being a wife or a mother has to define your entire identity.
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Many of us grew up watching our mothers carry the emotional load, the childcare, the cooking, everything — and now we’re refusing to recreate what drained the women before us.
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"Many women — and especially Latinas — grew up watching generations of women carry their marriages on their backs. So even when they’re ambitious, educated, and financially independent, there’s a learned fear that marriage will shrink them. They’re afraid that choosing partnership means choosing limitations. That’s not because women are unsure of themselves; it’s because the institution still carries expectations rooted in another era."
Stella Barrutia, LCSW
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“Many women — and especially Latinas — grew up watching generations of women carry their marriages on their backs,” Barrutia notes. “So even when they’re ambitious, educated, and financially independent, there’s a learned fear that marriage will shrink them. They’re afraid that choosing partnership means choosing limitations. That’s not because women are unsure of themselves; it’s because the institution still carries expectations rooted in another era.”
Barrutia continues: “When women ask, ‘Can I be ambitious and married?’ they’re really asking, ‘Is there room for all of me here? Healthy partnership answers that with a yes. But culturally, many haven’t seen that model reflected back to them.”
True, these ambitions can feel a little less isolating when you have a partner cheering you on. Javy supports my dreams in the ways that actually matter. When work gets intense, he picks up what I can’t. When I’m building The Mami Collective, he steps in with childcare, dinner, and whatever else needs to be done. He asks how he can help before I say I’m overwhelmed. He celebrates my wins with me. He makes space for my goals. And, most importantly, he shares the invisible load so it’s not all on me. Because that’s partnership: not perfect, not 50/50, just two people choosing to show up for each other.
Yet, even still, it often feels like the contours of marriage are constrained by outdated and ever-present expectations.
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When writer Chanté Joseph posed the question “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” for Vogue in October, I noticed something interesting in the Instagram comments and the surrounding discourse. By and large, respondents echoed the same sentiment: I love my partner, but sometimes I fantasize about the freedom I’d have if I didn’t have to factor someone else into every corner of my life.
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"We miss the unshared version of ourselves — the woman who had her own schedule, her own thoughts, her own orbit. Wanting that again isn’t selfish. It’s a sign you’re still in touch with who you are. That’s the difference."
PAULINA ROE
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Not because we want our partners gone, but because we want ourselves back. We miss the unshared version of ourselves — the woman who had her own schedule, her own thoughts, her own orbit. Wanting that again isn’t selfish. It’s a sign you’re still in touch with who you are. That’s the difference.
So when I say I wouldn’t get married again, I’m not saying that I’m rushing to divorce my husband. In fact, when I told him I wouldn’t get married again, he didn’t spiral. He lifted his eyebrows and said, “Honestly? I get it.” We’ve talked about how marriage hits differently for women and how the mental load and expectations pile up even in the healthiest partnerships. He knows I love him; he also knows the institution asks more of me than it ever will of him. His reaction wasn’t defensive. It was honest, a little uncomfortable, and very, “Yeah, you’re not wrong.”
I’m not married because of fear, tradition, or cultural pressure. I’m in it because I choose to be. Because this specific partnership works for me. Because the love and respect are mutual and because my husband makes the sacrifices with me, not just for him.
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But if the water were to rise and hell were to freeze over, I wouldn’t do it over again. Not the white dress, not the bridal shower, not the honeymoon. I’m not interested in further contributing to a narrative in which a Latina’s value is tied to having a partner. I’ve worked my butt off to build my life, career, and identity. I don’t need to rebuild it all over again.
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"My marriage is one of the most beautiful parts of my life, but it also taught me exactly how much of myself it takes to build a partnership that works. If I ever had to rebuild again, I’d do it as me: Paulina Roe. Because that’s enough."
PAULINA ROE
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This clarity can be powerful. It helps me show up intentionally in my marriage today — not because I fear divorce, but because I understand what marriage takes from the both of us. A good marriage takes honest conversations about the hard things, even when they’re uncomfortable. And it takes partners choosing effort and accountability on purpose, because the relationship deserves it.
My marriage is one of the most beautiful parts of my life, but it also taught me exactly how much of myself it takes to build a partnership that works. If I ever had to rebuild again, I’d do it as me: Paulina Roe. Because that’s enough. I’d want to keep the version of me that survived. The woman who rebuilt her identity not as a wife or mother, but as herself.
On TikTok, many women have expressed feeling similarly. “I love my husband, but marriage still asks more of me than it does of him,” Diana Lopez, a 34-year-old Mexican-American mother of two based in Chicago, said. “I don’t want out, I just want room to breathe, to grow, and to still be my own person. Wanting yourself back isn’t a threat to your relationship — it’s a sign you’re finally paying attention to what you need.”
And why is that? Because we’re finally being honest about the price of partnership, even when it’s good.
And we’re asking ourselves: If I ever had to pay that price again, would I?
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