Tuesday Events: Election Madness Descends on the Big Apple

Large and in charge: There's dancing at the Tribeca Grand, where special guest DJs Alejandro Cardena, Gordon Hull, Kenzo Minami, Nina Stotler, and Peter Miszuk will be spinning, should the agony of slow polling results makes you want to two-step away your frustration.

'90s-nostaligic: The Bell House is hosting A Red + Blue Election Night featuring The Blue Album Group (vintage Weezer from when they didn't suck: the 1994 album will be played straight through) and the Red Hook Vendors. Co-hosted with Brooklyn Based and Myopenbar.com, Brooklyn comedy kingpin Eugene Mirman will be there to usher in the madness. Special drinks will be $4 all night long, and free from 9:30 to 10pm.

Brainiacs: Housing Works Bookstore Cafe will take 10% off your purchase with proof of voting. Behold the rewards of fulfilling your civic duty!

Arty folks: $20 bucks gets you access to an evening at the New Museum full of imported tequila, campaign trivia games (prizes awarded!), a view of Eduardo Sarabia's Salon Aleman project (included in the recent 2008 Whitney Biennial), and live-stream coverage of the exit polls.

Champagne-swillers: Union Pool will have some on hand as you watch the future of this [once-great] nation unfold on a huge projector. For those who find champagne hifalutin', Sound Fix will be giving away a free PBR to anyone who comes in with an "I Voted" sticker. From 11 p.m. onward, well drinks are $3. Plus: YouTube election videos and drinking games.

Crafty kids: Head to Professor Thom's, where the election fete is cohosted by Booze & Yarn and Drinking Liberally. In addition to boasting five TVs, you can learn how to knit. Which will be useful, as you might have to start making your own sweaters if the economy continues its trajectory down the toilet—oy!

Quick-witted: The Onion's War for the White House Election-Night Event Extravaganza at Fontana's is sure to buoy your spirit with plenty of shits and giggles. Perks include complimentary Dewar's drinks, stand-up from Onion-approved comedians, and a presentation from the editors, aka the people who have come up with some of the cheekiest faux-news election headlines evah (i.e. "Sarah Palin's Largest Budget Allocation: The Wasilla Pipeline To God" and "What In The Heck's A Barack Obama?").

Brooklyn burlesque: Meanwhile, over in DUMBO, The Obama-Fabulous Galapagos Art Space Election Night Spectacular markets itself as, unsurprisingly, being all about the big O. The "Yes We Can!-Can Girls!" burlesque dancers will be on hand to keep up the spirit. It's $10, but there will be free Cosmos for all when our American hero takes the gold. Okay, let's not jinx it!

Insomniacs anonymous: For you die-hards, there is the Election Night Sleepover at Storefront (BYO sleeping bag), where you can twitter the night away at a blogging station or use the Wi-Fi connection, sending your comments on every election detail into cyberspace. If you manage to last until 7 a.m., your reward is hot coffee, croissants, and brand new political future for the taking!