Melania, We’re Disappointed With Your New Christmas Decorations. Hear Us Out.

Melania Trump revealed the official 2019 White House holiday decorations today and — ugh! — they are pretty and only a little bit weird. After last year's blood-icicle trees and 2017's spooky ice queen aesthetic, my hopes were very, very high for something equally ghastly. But a video of the first lady guiding us through the People's House reveals a distinctly less dystopian take on the season this time around. Is the War on Christmas real? Because I feel attacked by all this bland niceness!

"'The Spirit of America' is shining in the @WhiteHouse! I am delighted to share this beautiful exhibit of patriotism for all to see, and excited for everyone to experience the beauty of the #Christmas season!" tweeted Melania, accompanied by a video of herself adjusting a teeny-tiny wreath and sprinkling a touch of fake snow. So idyllic!

Everything is so elegant and tasteful! That garland of red roses on the mantel? Pure class. The white-and-gold accents? Opulence. A bit Alexis Carrington, sure — but in the best way.

Naturally, I'm devastated.

Whoever saw fit to suppress Melania's natural inclination to turn tree-trimming into an expression of the bottomless void in her soul had their work cut out for them, however. It appears that the first lady might have taken design control in the East Colonnade, where silver stars, their points sharpened to a glinting razor's edge, float menacingly above lit glass panels. Looks dangerous! I like it!

No matter how safe Melania decided to play it this year, I take comfort in my belief that she has an inner Hieronymus Bosch just itching to evoke the hellish journey of the Trump administration through topiary. It's the most magical time of the year, Melania: Don't let a little thing like impeachment steal your (or my) joy.