"No one's really safe in their relationships."
"Not everyone will make it through the week."
Those are the promises this episode makes in the opening five minutes. Chris Harrison really has me believing that a shark is descending into Paradise. Or maybe just a particularly feral crab. Bachelor in Paradise never fully learned to underpromise and overdeliver, and the "danger" that Chris Harrison promises is really just a lot of grumpy, sandy men. These men are, generally, upset that Paradise is wreaking Paradise-like havoc. There are three men in this episode who are experiencing the age old "something new" phenomenon. New men come into Paradise, and their partners happily scoot off to try some new Sayulita snack.
Krystal points out, rather aptly, "We're here to let go of our past." And that they do! In this episode, Kendall lets go of her past with Joe — although her past will come back to haunt her — Krystal lets go of her past with Chris, Jenna lets go of her past with Jordan, and Annaliese lets go of her past with Kenny.
Of course, the past doesn't like to stay seated, much like myself on a plane, and it comes back to haunt each character. Except, actually, Annaliese, who conveniently lost her partner to a noble cause. I'll start there.
Kenny & Annaliese
In the past two episodes, Annaliese and Kenny forged a relationship from the ashes of their previous Paradise flings.
"I have a ton of fun with Kenny!" Annaliese promises midway through the episode. They are flirty and frisky and fun.
Except. Kenny has a daughter, an 11-year-old named McKenzie. Halfway through the episode, he decides to head home, determined to make it home for her recital. This is the same reason he left Rachel Lindsay's season of The Bachelorette. McKenzie has a good dad. I hope her recital was crab-free and just as good as everything Jordan says on this show.
Annaliese & Kamil
Annaliese dries her tears and hops on a date with Kamil, the model who barely appeared on Becca's season of The Bachelorette. (He spent more time lobbying insults at Jordan at the "Men Tell All.") He and Annaliese go go-karting — despite her apparent fear of the sport — and canoodle in a waterfall, determined to find love before the timer goes off. Reminder: We are halfway through Paradise, which means they've been on the beaches for roughly two weeks.
Benoit & Jenna
Fresh off their date last week, Jenna and Benoit are full-throttle in Paradise love. ("Paradise love" is an alternate form of love that occurs in a bubble! Like parallel universe love, or love that only Doctor Strange can access.)
"You're going to make me complicated even more!" Jenna whines. She doesn't, in her words, want to be "kissing all the guys." She then inputs a no-kissing rule, there until she decides between Benoit and Jordan — or until the next pout lands somewhere on her face.
At long last, though, Jenna makes the decision to end things with Benoit who, according to Jenna, is "secure," but nothing else.
Jenna & Jordan
Jordan does not like being left behind, much like Josh (Israel Broussard) in To All The Boys I've Loved Before. Except he's a lot more colorful about it.
"I don't know about you, but I wasn't raised to get engaged twice," Jordan spits. He's furious. He thinks Benoit can't throw a frisbee. He is convinced that Jenna belongs with him and, if she picks Benoit, he will leave Paradise.
"You're not meant for anyone else," Jordan tells an indecisive Jenna. They are this season's Jim and Pam, and yes, that's about as good as this season is going to get. Are they are satisfying as John Krasinski and Jenna Fischer? Maybe not! But then again, John Krasinski never tossed a giant stuffed bear into the ocean!
Chris & Krystal
Describing the relationship between these two fitness nerds, Astrid notes, "They're basically two aliens from a different planet, but they're from the same planet."
Describing their relationship, Chris says, "We kiss a lot." Someone recently compared Chris to Ron Perlman and I can't unsee it.
Describing his ladylove, Chris says, "Krystal is a rare breed."
Krystal & Connor
Connor, he of the glasses-transformed-me moment from The Bachelorette, arrives in Paradise with intentions to woo Krystal, she of the glitter-throwing.
In an effort to be "in the moment," Krystal hops onto a date with Connor — after admitting that she's smitten with Chris. She did, however, put Connor at the top of her list before Paradise. (Producers ask contestants to submit a few "picks" before the show begins filming.) This is the shark of the episode: Connor Obrochta, a former baseball player who once looked really good in a pair of glasses.
On a "mystical" date, Krystal promises to "channel her inner spirit animal," which is tasteless, but they still manage to trade tonsils. (At some point, we need to have a conversation about how the show uses generalized "mysticism" as some sort of relationship panacea.)
Leo & Kendall
Kendall says in this episode that she "craves" Leo, which, to me, might mean she's just hungry. They have trouble in this episode when Kendall discovers via Kevin that Leo kissed Chelsea. Still following? Just know that Leo kissed someone else, and Kendall is visibly upset, which is her prerogative.
Leo, when confronted, boils the kiss down to "something fun that you do to get to know someone." It was reportedly a peck, but, obviously, we're only working with one source.
"Kissing is a handshake in Paradise!" Leo complains. He later eviscerates Kevin — our burly do-gooder — for sharing the news of his secret, er, handshake. Leo's ranting would seem a lot less troubling if it weren't for Leo's recent controversies. In this scuffle, Kevin ends up looking like the (very) good guy, mainly because he quotes Justin Trudeau.
He says, "In the words of Justin Trudeau, 'Canadians, we’re polite, we’re reasonable, but we also will not be pushed around.'"
When Leo and Kendall dissect the situation, Leo looks even worse. He accuses Kendall of being an "actress" and gets snotty and snarky. As a result, Joe steps in...
Kendall & Joe
Joe and Kendall, a steadfast couple from day one, have been rocky ever since the entrance of Leo. But Leo is now the rockier situation and, at the end of the episode, Joe puts on his hero grocery store cape to protect Kendall from a rampaging Leo.
Astrid & Kevin
The big twist of Bachelor in Paradise episode 6 is that Kevin, the firefighter from Canada, craves drama. (He swears, he doesn't love the drama; it loves him.) He tells Astrid that he wishes they'd go through more "tests." He wants her to go on more dates, a.k.a. he wants to play jealous beefcake. He blames this partially on his past: He's been dumped by two separate Bachelor-related women. Ashley Iaconetti maybe even cheated on him. He claims he wants some boat-rocking just to make sure that, well, the boat is sound. There are reasons that cars undergo crash tests!
They decide to stick it out.
Colton & Tia
Happy, finally — sigh — finally dating. No rocky waters this episode, except for those in Colton's mind. He's confused re: the cheese metaphor. What is the cheese metaphor? Clearly, he didn't scrub backwards on episode four on Hulu, like I did. Because here's the thing: the 'cheese' is the prize, like the cheese at the center of a maze that rats must find. Sometimes, the cheese moves. Sometimes it doesn't. You just have to figure out what path you want to take to find the cheese.
Meanwhile, Colton likes cottage cheese, but it gives him gas. Congrats?
The Couples Ranking
5. Krystal & Connor: They found each other via "spirit animals." Not impressed.
4. Kendall & Joe: Looking a little weak, but they have promise. Maybe next episode, they'll scoot upwards in the rankings.
3. Jenna & Jordan: Jordan is serious about that girl, whatever that means for this model who is "attached to professionality."
2. Colton & Tia: I like this couple when they're not being little wishy-washy crabcakes.
1. Kevin & Astrid: Come on! That conversation was cute.