Bran Stark. We need to have a chat. Look, I need you to get it together. Your sisters and Westeros need you to get it together.
Did you just happen to forget about this prophesy that could change everything? Or did you intentionally decide to keep that bit of information to yourself?
The prophesy I'm talking about is the Prince(ss) Who Was Promised. Actor Isaac Hempstead-Wright has characterized you as a supercomputer, who has access to the collective memories of the entire world. That's cool. But, given that you have that access, would you mind letting us know if Jon Snow — sorry, "Aegon" "Targaryen" — is the Prince who's been promised to lead Westeros out of the Long Night? Also, the dragon has three heads, pal. Daenerys Targaryen is one of them, we've got that straight. Would it be too much of a hassle for you to see who the other dragon heads are? Was Rhaegar trying to fulfill that prophecy when we married Lyanna? We don't know, because you won't tell us.
You were having an illuminating chat with Samwell Tarly in front of the fire, when he mentioned that Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark were secretly and legitimately married by the High Septon. "Are you sure?" you asked Samwell. Of course Samwell Tarly is sure, he's Samwell fucking Tarly, and probably the most knowledgeable person in Westeros. Did you think that maybe, maybe it might be useful to mention these prophecies? I mean, it's not like Samwell doesn't have a giant stack of stolen books from the restricted section of the Citadel, so he can investigate your visions further. Nah. You just want to sit in front of the weirwood tree all day.
Thanks to Samwell, you were able to teleport into Rhaegar and Lyanna's wedding. If it weren't for his prompt, we never would haven seen them handfasting and saying their vows to the gods of the Faith. Does it look like a familiar wedding to you? Oh that's right, the wedding of your brother Robb to his wife Talisa. Both were married in the woods in cute, secretive ceremonies. When Huffington Post spoke to Hempstead-Wright, even he was like "exactly!", because he too noticed the symbolism of the doomed couples. Even the actor who plays you has more sense than you do.
Do I even need to bring up Azor Ahai? *Long sigh* Fine, okay, fine. I feel like I'm talking to an "emotionless rock", as Isaac Hempstead-Wright called you in a Vulture interview. But let's discuss. You have this cool magical power to figure out who is Azor Ahai; mind giving us a hint? Is your older half-brother the prophesied wielder of Lightbringer, the flaming sword that will kill the Night King? Please tell us. Westeros needs you.
My dude, you have been a space cadet this entire season. Yes, I know you're the Three-Eyed Raven, but you've got to use your powers for good here. Please do not act like Dr. Manhattan and teleport yourself to Mars because you can't deal. You are a damn Stark of Winterfell.
I really appreciate you using your visions to get Littlefinger executed. That's a really great start. But there's way more work for you to do, and you can start by confirming or denying these prophecies that are driving us all up the wall. Please. There's one season of this show left. Work with us, buddy.
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