Our First Look At Fifty Shades Freed Is Here & I Have Questions

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It seems like just yesterday we were analyzing the Fifty Shades Darker teaser. Now, mere months after the Fifty Shades of Grey sequel's Valentine's Day release, we're getting a taste of the third and final film in the franchise, Fifty Shades Freed. Ana and Christian's allegedly steamy adventures in BDSM and helicopter flying, which were adapted from E.L. James' controversial novels, will now take on a domestic twist — at least, according to the new teaser, made available via The Daily Mail and currently playing after the credits of Fifty Shades Darker.
So, what does the post-credit teaser reveal? If you're someone who feels the heat when Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan's characters break out the bells and whistles (aka ben wa balls) you may be bummed to learn that things are looking surprisingly PG-13 in the new teaser. In the 15-second video, Ana and Christian are getting hitched — Christian (in his classic monotone) recites his vows in voiceover.
The pair then seemingly jet off to their honeymoon (if you can fly private, you do fly private) where Ana longingly gazes at her hot-as-hell hubby walking along the sand on what seems to be a public beach. (Despite Christian's billions of dollars and terrible personality, he apparently wanted to be amongst the people on his vacay.)
That's when things go from "sexy" to "scary," because as soon as Christian gets to the "as long as we both shall live" thing, someone grabs Ana from behind, attacking her. (Because Fifty Shades is more than just a fun sex romp, you guys. It's also a thriller.)
So I have some questions. The first is, why does Ana always seemed surprised when Christian shows her some ostentatious display of his wealth? Like, girl, you should know he has a private plane by now. Also, how many showers does Ana take? Is there a reason we need to see Ana stepping under a shower faucet in every film? And does Christian ever add an ounce of emotion to his voice, or is he still living by Edward Cullen's guide to being stoically sexy?
Alas, this short teaser won't answer all of our questions... but seeing the new film when it hits theaters on February 9, 2018 will. Don't you dare think I won't be there.

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