Penelope Cruz Named Esquire‘s Sexiest Woman Alive

Hear ye, hear ye: His royal highness, Esquire magazine, hath spoken. The declaration? That actress Penelope Cruz is this year's Sexiest Woman Alive. The magazine bestowed the honor unto the Spanish mother of two after a complete survey of every single female on planet Earth currently respirating (and therefore qualifying as "alive"). We imagine Cruz refused to accept the title until such a grand, sweeping, and thorough search had been performed.

Cruz is Esquire's 10th Sexiest Woman Alive. At 40, she is the second-oldest woman to receive the honor. So, while absurd, at least the award — for which the selection and qualifications remain largely unknown — is more age-blind in casting than most Hollywood roles for women. It has technically been awarded 11 times, but Scarlett Johansson has clinched the honor twice. It is surely the only thing she has listed on her résumé at this point.

Yes, we jest, but it's nearly impossible to take the naming of one human being the "sexiest" of her gender currently existing seriously. Luckily, Cruz's interview helps ground the absurd distinction with her signature evasion and eloquence.

When asked about her life and career, Cruz says, "I’ve played a lot of tricks on myself. I’ve made it hard for me sometimes, especially in my teens and twenties. I had an attraction to drama. Most of us have that, especially if you are an artist— you feel like you are tempted to explore the darkness. I could not be less interested now. For me, the most attractive, charming, cool, fun, interesting thing — how could I call it? A plan.”

On the topic of husband Javier Bardem, Cruz also remains tight-lipped, although she does allow that he sometimes speaks to her in his character from No Country for Old Men's accent. She also allows the knowledge that they have two children, and that's why we haven't seen her as much recently.

You know what? For someone winning an absurd, subjective title, Penelope Cruz completely nails it. Her profile writer is forced to describe the running of the bulls at length just to flesh out the piece; that is how little detail Cruz is willing to provide.

Still, there's no excuse for this: "She doesn’t feel like the sexiest woman alive, she says — she feels like a mother who doesn’t get enough sleep." So, a tired mother can't be the sexiest woman alive? SMH, Esquire. Shaking my damn head. (Esquire)