What To Do While You Wait For Susan Miller's Forecast, By Sign

We are all, each one of us, part of the cosmos. And, in order to understand our place in the greater planetary universe, we use the science of astrology channeled through our high priestess, Susan Miller. Miller’s site Astrology Zone, with its geo-cities style graphics and plentiful pop-up ads, is where many head at the the beginning of every month in order to gain wisdom and insight into coming events.
However, our seer is sick. Since some time this spring, Miller has been suffering an unspecified autoimmune disorder (her Twitter feed is full of vague hints at what it could be) and her forecasts have been posted later and later each month. September is now nearly two weeks late, and Miller’s Facebook page has devolved into a chorus of outraged complaints answered by defensive well wishers. Another Facebook page, the now-private ABSM (Abandoned By Susan Miller, of course), has sprung up with 700 members and counting.
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It’s normal to be upset when things like this happen. Terri Cole, a psychologist and anxiety expert, told us that the disruption of expectations can literally cause pain. "In this world, where we have little control over many things (think natural disasters, war, etc.), humans crave routine and knowing what to expect,” she says. “Routine is a way of creating the illusion of control and helps to bind anxiety.” And, what routine is more important than that of the sky?
Above all, we want Ms. Miller to be well, and to return and guide us into the future. But for now, we present our highly unscientific, un-Susan Miller astrological guide to getting through this troubled, literally uncharted time.
1 of 12
Virgo
Chaos is your least favorite thing — I know this because you have an itemized list of your least favorite things kept in your “Personal Lists: Self-Reflection and Character” Filofax, tucked into the “Summer” drawer of your 2014 file cabinet. But Virgo, look at the calendar! Do you see what month it is? September. And, do you know what that means? Stores are fully stocked with the latest and greatest school supplies. Bring some order to this disarray by going out and getting yourself a new box of reinforcement labels. Heck, throw in a pack of self-adhesive tabs; you’re not driving!
2 of 12
Libra
I’m so glad it’s just us, Libra. All those other signs are crazy. Did you see Cancer? She was writing a prose poem about “the unpredictability of life” for her Livejournal. Thankfully you’re reasonable and know that things happen in life that are out of your control and that the best way to manage stress and anxiety is to fully relax. Let go, you know? Get loose. Release yourself from the shackles of the daily grind and tap into Mother Gaia’s universal harmony, right? What I’m trying to say is… You’re the cardinal air sign. We all know what that means. Just spark up another doobie and take a chill ride on that big scale in the sky.
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3 of 12
Scorpio
There’s one thing that will combat the sting of having your loyalty betrayed, Scorpio — and it starts with O and ends with -gasm. Seek out your Tinder match of choice and get the the sudden discharge of accumulated sexual tension you so rightfully deserve. Or hell, do it yourself. There is nothing a woman with a pack of double-A batteries can’t accomplish. As the Beach Boys once sang, “And she’ll have fun, fun, fun 'til her roommate takes her 16-function Super Rabbit away.”
4 of 12
Sagittarius
Tap into your undying optimism and see the silver lining to this unreleased playbook: You are entering September completely unbiased; the month is a clean slate, full of possibility and promise! You’re the philosopher of the zodiac, which means that like the bearded white dude who used to haunt my college’s quad with his corduroy blazer and pained expression, you’re used to investigating the unknown. Barrel forth, and enjoy!
5 of 12
Capricorn
Before you start resenting Susan Miller — just like you always do with anyone who disappoints you — let’s really think about what this situation means: one of the most successful astrologists in the world has dropped the ball and now an entire audience of readers is lost, adrift, looking for someone to turn to in their time of need. Are you picking up what I’m putting down? Susan Miller didn’t watch the throne, and I know some hard-working, ambitious she-goat who is more than capable of running an astrology empire.
6 of 12
Aquarius
Oh hey, Aquarius. What is that? No, I wasn’t maniacally laughing, what are you talking about? We are here to talk about you. You’re motivated by a need for improvement — you’re always looking for a way to transform society, to help those who are in need. Your altruism is truly one of your finest qualities. Why not channel your anxious energy into a new service project like, oh I don’t know, teaching inner-city high schoolers how to farm or helping the little match girls unionize?
7 of 12
Pisces
Oh, poor Pisces. As the most spiritual of the bunch, you've probably been hit incredibly hard by this tumult. I don't know if all the rose quartz in the world will be able to restore you to a place of emotional balance, but I strongly suggest you give it your best shot.

(But, let's be real, if you're a legit Pisces, you're probably still trying to find your way back from Burning Man and don't even realize what month it is — in which case, keep walking.)
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8 of 12
Aries
Considering that you are the most short-tempered and impatient of the zodiac bunch, we think it’s safe to say that you aren’t handling this unforeseen impediment very well. What you need, particularly in a time of crisis, is a distraction. Try taking on a new project at work or finding something to make out of milk crates on Pinterest. Stay busy and, most importantly, stay focused on the big picture.
9 of 12
Taurus
You’re naturally resistant to change, so having to adapt to this new Millerless way of life is probably really scary for you. But, let’s be honest: You could benefit from being pushed out of your well-worn ways. (Now that change is in the air, maybe you’ll consider not eating deli buffet salmon for lunch like you did the past 20 days? No? Okay.) You might be uneasy about this shift in your plans but, like a bull, all you need to do is continue to plod along and focus on the steps ahead.
10 of 12
Gemini
Unlike Taurus (she can’t hear me, right?), you love change — it’s as natural to you as breathing air. Honestly, we’re surprised that you have managed to commit to something as minor as checking your horoscope every month. Remember what happened when Tasti D-Lite tried to give you that customer loyalty card? Anyway, you’re probably adapting to this new world with ease and affability. Just don’t go rubbing it in Taurus’ face.
11 of 12
Cancer
As that stack of Nicholas Sparks books on your nightstand suggests, you are a very sensitive person. You’re led by your emotions, Cancer — and on days like today, those emotions might lead you straight into a pit of #feels. We know you’re used to nurturing your own spirit, but if we may offer some advice: Reach out to a friend or loved one. You need the kind of security that can only come from a night out. Yes, that means stepping away from the romance novels.
12 of 12
Leo
Leo, please stop yelling — and yes, all caps subtweets count as yelling. (Your followers would agree.) I know it’s hard for you to see outside of yourself right now (or, um, ever) but just believe me when I say that this IS NOT ABOUT YOU. Susan Miller is sick; she didn’t delay posting September’s horoscopes just to sabotage your personal journey. Take some me-time to help yourself relax.
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