Ryan, how could you? We were saving ourselves for you. Fine, maybe not saving, but definitely holding onto a modicum of hope that we would one day end up together. You were our dream fake boyfriend for so long. Everything about the unique version of you we had cultivated in our minds was perfect.
You were going to serenade us on your ukulele like in Blue Valentine. Before bed, we’d practice the lift from Dirty Dancing like in Crazy, Stupid, Love. If we said we wanted to pursue our secret passion for painting, you’d set up a studio where we could do it outdoors and topless à la The Notebook. You’d wear that scorpion jacket from Drive to rev our engines. And you’d always greet us with a feminist “Hey girl” that made us melt.
With the news that you’re going to be a father, however, it feels wrong to keep pining for an imaginary relationship with you. Even if the “you” we’ve carefully cultivated is more of an amalgam of characters you’ve played and Internet memes. Still, we think it’s best for both of us if we move on.
Luckily, we’ve already got some dashing candidates in mind. Some of them are already the subject of a thousand crushes, and others are up-and-comers — because sometimes a little friendly competition is good, and other times you want to fend for yourself. A girl needs options when she's trying to move on from Ryan Gosling.