At this point, it's anyone's guess as to what exactly happened at Kim Kardashian and Kanye West's wedding. There are a scarce number of Instagrams and creepy paparazzi shots to mine for clues, but that's really it. Luckily, a "spy" from Page Six was there to take it all in and commit it to memory, since cellphones were checked at the door (along with dignity, perhaps).
Let's begin. Page Six's spy noted that the wedding party wanted to be as removed from potential paparazzi cameras as possible. The solution: They had cranes lift everything necessary to carry out the dream wedding 270 feet to the most inaccessible part of Forti di Belvedere. This included 10 life-sized, black, marble statues (four had missing heads, and the other 20 were damaged — oops), a "long marble table" that had seating placements engraved right into the marble (some were misspelled, though — oops again), and a 49-foot tall, gold box that housed the bathrooms (casual).
According to one Italian, the golden toilet box was apparently "the star of the show." Before the ceremony, West used a saw to cut the bar in front of it in half. The spy claimed he was screaming that it looked like a Texas bar and called it "art" after ordering that slabs of wood be nailed to the front. Then he clicked his heels three times and disappeared in a puff of diamond dust. (Kidding!)
Technology snafus plagued the wedding. Kanye apparently said the sound system, the "single best system in Europe," wasn't minimal enough. He ended up playing tunes from his iPod before a sufficiently minimal replacement was installed at dinner. There were also a ton lighting issues. Kardashian is said to have checked out the scene before the event and unplugged half the lights in the cocktail area because a beam was shining on her crotch. West, at a different moment in the prep, said, "I’m in the center of this party, and I’m the only one people need to see. The rest of these people don’t need lights on them." It's rumored he gave a 45-minute toast to himself, too.
A few other details: Guests were said to have been pretty loose on the drinks before the ceremony started, a Justin Bieber fan needed hospitalization after falling while trying to see if Bieber was there (he wasn't), and
Batman Jaden Smith was a menace.
Of course, whether or not any of this is actually true is unknown. Someone could write that Kim K. sprouted wings and ascended from the heavens like a delicate hawk while holograms of the Medici family provided musical entertainment, and America would eat it up. Or, maybe we'd throw up our hands and say, "Pics or it didn't happen." Or, we could demand receipts. Show us receipts. (Page Six)