The ‘You Look Happier’ Trend Is Giving Us Space To Be Messy

Doing the “right” thing. The wellness thing. Or even the self-betterment thing, is so impressed upon us these days, we can feel guilty when we make the “wrong” choice for our overall wellbeing. Things like: Texting an ex, getting drunk instead of sitting with tough emotions, flaking on the gym to bed rot, foregoing journaling yet another night. We all do them. It’s fun. It’s enlivening. It isn’t something you want to make a regular occurrence, but being messy is part and parcel of being human. It’s time we stopped berating ourselves for it.

On Instagram and TikTok we’re seeing this play out with playful takes on the “you look happier when” trend, in which people film themselves smiling with this caption overlaid. Some people have gone about the trend in earnest, finishing the sentence with “you go to bed on time and cut screen time”. But others have been more tongue in cheek. “You look happier when you spend a weekend with your ex and don’t tell your friends”, being a clear example of this. It’s unsurprising this is happening midsummer when attitudes typically lean towards prioritising fun over productivity, and when shows like Lena Dunham’s Too Much have us hooked — a show about being messy, imperfect, and growing through poor choices. Being messy harnesses growth so we’re leaning into it.

Is it harmless to embrace our messy selves? Pamela Roberts, therapist at Priory, says there are two types of happiness and that both are important. “Hedonic happiness is the kind of happiness you get from pleasure and enjoyment,” Roberts says. It's the feeling you get from a delicious meal, a funny movie, or a spontaneous night out with friends. “This type of happiness is often short-lived and focuses on maximising pleasure and minimising pain. It's about feeling good in the moment. Eudaimonic happiness, on the other hand, is a deeper and more lasting form of happiness. It comes from living a life of purpose, meaning, and personal growth. This is the happiness you get from achieving a long-term goal, helping others, or developing skills. It's not always about feeling good in the moment, it might even require sacrifice or hard work.”

Roberts says that allowing yourself to make the “messy” choice does have some psychological benefits, to a degree. At its best, it can be a “form of mindfulness”, because you’re fully present in the moment. It can also be a way to relieve stress and break free from the pressure of always doing the "right" thing. However, doing too much of this can make us pain-adverse, resulting in an inability to tolerate any kind of emotional pain, like boredom, sadness, and guilt.

There is a psychological benefit to being flexible and being able to tune into what you need at a particular moment, is the view of psychotherapist Liz Kelly, author of This Book Is Cheaper Than Therapy. That might not be the “healthiest” choice all of the time. “It's essential to discern whether you are engaging in a behavior intentionally, because you genuinely want to, or if you are participating in a pattern of numbing out or distraction from difficult feelings,” she says. It might be helpful to think about whether an action is going to lead to more stress or complications down the road. 

Roberts says it's crucial to differentiate between occasional "messiness" and a pattern of self-sabotage. “The former can be a healthy release, while the latter can be a sign of deeper issues. So, is this mindful messiness and would it be as satisfying? When making a frivolous, messy choice, like seeing an ex, it's important to be mindful and intentional about the actions taken to avoid this snowballing into a bigger issue.” Make sure you show yourself compassion, too — no one is perfect all of the time. She recommends: setting boundaries, reflecting on your motivations, and how you feel afterwards. But also, to have fun. “A life of constant discipline and self-control can lead to burnout,” she says. “Treat frivolity as a single occasion, not as a new way of life. The occasional embrace of frivolity can be a healthy expression of an adventurous spirit, if it's not a means of self-sabotage. The image of walking a tightrope is a good analogy here — it's about balancing fun and spontaneity with a clear understanding of your boundaries and goals.”