Waves crashing on sandy shores, weird bird noises from Wells and Yuki, and the sound of dashed hopes and dying dreams are the soundtrack of this week's Bachelor In Paradise. If you thought BIP had moved on beyond the Tia and Colton melodrama, brace yourself, because BIP is leaning into the heartache and there's only so much disappointment Tia's heart can take.
After Chris the Goose had an about face in the general direction of Krystal's mouth, Tia has come to her senses, realising much to her dismay she still harbours feelings for the former-NFL player she came on the show for in the first place. That realisation comes only after Chris moved on with Krystal, obviously.
With the rose ceremony looming, four women are on the chopping block. Tensions are high, the mood is serious, and Jordan, everyone's favourite Wilhelmina model, is wearing head-t0-toe floral. He also dominates the last quarter of the episode when he acts out in a way no one has on the show before.
It's hard to keep up with all the love triangles, so here's a breakdown of the episode couple by couple.
Tia & Chris
When Tia confronts Chris for kissing Tia, he insists nothing has changed between the two of them, excusing it as merely a "moment." He also gaslights Tia, "you're making no sense," and makes it seem like she's confused. Thankfully she sees through his bullshit and declares she is "taking myself out of this triangle."
Krystal & Chris
Now that he's free from Tia, Krystal is relieved. The two clearly like each other, and after much soul-searching on Krystal's part, they end the episode with a kiss and a rose.
Tia & Colton
The episode is mostly all of BIP trying to convince Colton to date Tia. Colton is confused, about himself, his feelings for Tia, and his future in Paradise. He even rejects a date from newcomer, Jacqueline, to try and sort his emotions out.
Bibiana, she of the sage advice, sets Colton straight: "Do not complicate it, in the end the only person she's waiting to decide is you." He thankfully pulls Tia aside, realising he's "finally not scared" and they decide to give the relationship a real chance.
Jacqueline & Kenny
Jacqueline swoops in on a conversation between Annaliese and Kenny and takes off on a dinner date with the wrestler. Kenny is so candid, charming, and intelligent he just became my favourite person in Paradise. He asks all the right questions and Jacqueline is pleasantly surprised by how much she likes him. It's not enough in the end, though, as she goes home. On her birthday.
Bibiana & Kenny
This was a last-minute hookup that came out of left field moments before the rose ceremony. But with 13 women and only nine roses to go around, Bibiana came to fight for the rose.
Annaliese & Kenny
Annaliese hopes her extra touch of care and attention will win over Kenny's heart and set her apart from the other ladies vying for his attention. It pays off when she gets the rose at the end of the night.
Jordan & Jenna
Jenna, who loves Jordan's floral getup, has turned Jordan into a smitten kitten. But when his arch nemesis, David, brings out a human-sized dog as a birthday gift for Jenna, the sound of Jenna's giggles sets Jordan off. In a fit of jealous rage, he walks in on the two, grabs the dog without saying a word, and throws it into the ocean. The incident doesn't hurt him too much, though. Jenna accepts his rose at the ceremony.
John & Jubilee
John and Jubilee share a kiss on a daybed as Caroline spies on the couple's intimate conversation. Jubilee is impressed with John, and he seems genuinely interested.
John & Caroline
Not to be outdone. Caroline goes in on a kiss with John during a moonlit walk on the beach. In the end, Caroline is the one to leave Paradise. Perhaps fans will Venmo her some money in solidarity.
Angela & Eric
We see the two share a kiss during cocktail hour, so they're still going strong.
Astrid & Kevin
The two are sharing sausages mid-kiss while sweating it out in front of the cameras. So obviously love is a-bloomin'.
Kendall & Joe
Kendall and Joe get the background actor treatment by BIP producers, but in Paradise, that's a good thing. The less drama you cause, the less screen time you get.
Best Quotes From Paradise
Tia: "All my eggs are in his basket, and he doesn't even have a fucking basket."
Bibiana: "These girls come in really fresh smelling.... She doesn't smell like Paradise yet. Everyone else smells like Paradise. Paradise is stinky and sweaty.
Chris: "The Colton and Tia cloud is getting bigger and bigger, and it's almost affecting the sunlight that we're getting."