Welcome to the safest, most contoured space on the Internet: A space where we can openly discuss, dissect, and indulge in the greatest show of our time, Keeping Up With The Kardashians. (I'm kidding, but the series did recently win the award for Best Reality Series/Franchise at the 2018 MTV Movie & TV Awards, so let's give it that.)
We're back in Calabasas, and everyone hates each other. As the trailers for the season premiere teased, it's Kourtney Kardashian against the Kardashian-Jenner world. After working hard for a entire season to keep their secrets buried, the sisters are finally ready to let it all hang out. So grab your finger massagers, and let's get this petty party started! Here's everything that happened in the season 15 premiere of KUWTK.
Hurricane Kourtney: High Drama with a Chance of Tears
It started out with a kard, who did it end up like this? It was only a kard, it was only a kard! Yes, that was a "Mr. Brightside" joke, and yes this kursed Kardashian Kristmas Kard is the root of all the Kourtney-Kim-Khloé drama. Kourtney is, in Khloé’s words, “so bitchy these days,” but we finally get the full picture of the kard drama and it looks like there are a few guilty parties. Hurricane Kourtney is in the forecast, and there's with a strong chance of tears.
Basically, Kourtney is sick of the vapid world of KUWTK. (Reminder, we are in the fifteenth season, so it took long enough.) She loves her sisters, but she doesn't necessarily support the "Kardashian" brand as much as they do, mostly because she doesn't have a business tied to it. That is basically the beginning and end of their feud, but let's break down exactly how it was triggered, then semi-resolved, here.
Trigger: Kim wants to do a big photoshoot for a Christmas card this year. The family famously skipped a few years, but this year Kim's ready to "really take this seriously.” She has "a good photographer, a good concept” (the concept is... jeans and a white shirt), and a very narrow timeframe for which she has made herself available. At first, Kourtney is totally game. She's excited to get an official card this year that is until she realises that Kim has changed the time of the photoshoot to accommodate her schedule.
Peak: It's a power struggle between the two of them when they meet up again the night before the photoshoot. Kim has "meetings" and Kourtney doesn't want to miss putting her kids to bed (the other family members are much less high maintenance) and neither will bend. Kim starts screaming at Kourtney, calling her the "least exciting [sister] to look at" which is later translated to "the least interesting to look at." Kourtney leaves the house super upset, and tearfully tells her sisters that she's done feeling mistreated by her family over stuff like a photoshoot schedule. "I'm not here not be mistreated by my fucking bitch family," she says to Khloé, Kim, and Kris on speaker phone. "You guys just have really different values than me."
Pit: That night, Kourtney comes over again, red-eyed and tear-stained only to have Kim tell her, again, that she is the only sister without a second job so she should make her life revolve around theirs. Kourtney is having a full come to Jesus moment though, and tells Kim and Khloé, "it doesn't matter how much money is in our bank accounts." She's worried about the legacy and values and memories she is making with her kids, not the more materialistic parts of their lives. "Anywhere I come when you guys are filming, you guys are judging," she adds. She also says that she wants to move to another state or country to be rid of this show and this drama and these "fake relationships" with her sisters. Is this her boyfriend, Younes Bendjima's influence on her? Or is it just therapy? Or is it just truly her being done with her family?
Resolution: Kim ends up moving the photoshoot to an earlier time so that it suits Kourtney's wishes to be done in time to give the kids a bath and put them to bed. But while they're at the photoshoot, Kim is making fun of Kourtney for her therapy-like way of talking about her feelings. The photoshoot is full of tension, but it's done, and everyone is theoretically happy. (Side note: We also find out why two of the family members were missing from the shoot: Kylie wanted to shoot a card of her own privately at home, and Rob is trying to lay low.)
But things go from bad to worse when Kourtney decides to totally skip Kim's cherry blossom-themed baby shower. On Twitter, during the episode, Kim and Kourtney made it clear that their relationship continues to be hostile.
But they're still ride or die.
The “Girlfriend” Who Shall Not Be Named
While Kourtney is busy being bullied by her sisters, Scott Disick is doing everything he can to keep his new girlfriend's name out of their mouths. In fact, I wonder if they are legally allowed to say her name on the show, or if there is some sort of rule baring the mention of Sofia Richie's actual name on KUWTK. Whatever the reason, for the remainder of this season, we can expect to only hear about Richie when she is being referred to as the "girlfriend." And despite her not being formally named, we do finally get more information about her and Disick's illusive, but Instagram official, relationship.
A. Disick doesn't ever feel the need to tell her to "grow up" (weird question Kim), but that sometimes “I feel like she tells it to me.”
B. This is the second serious relationship Disick has had, EVER. It's been him and Kourtney, and that's it. “Sometimes I feel guilty that I’ve moved on," he tells Cici Bussey, a cousin of the Kardashian family, and longtime ally of Disick amid his questionable choices. "She's the first girl I've ever been with other than Kourtney that is a real relationship. One part of me is happy...but another part of me feels guilty that I'm moving on from Kourtney."
C. He is reluctant to talk about his relationship with the Kardashian sisters, which is fair.
D. No, he doesn't think about how weird it is that Kylie and Kendall's former friend is his serious girlfriend.
E. Khloé asks if he thinks him and Kourtney will ever get married, and you know? Maybe. The two apparently made a pact that they would revisit their relationship when they were in their 40s, which is coming up soon for one of them.
Justice for Kendall Jenner! Miss Thang with the modelling career had to sit through her photoshoot of the Christmas card, alone, because all her sisters left the moment they wrapped. Then she later attended Kim's baby shower only to be called out by her mum as the only one with a kid (she's also...22).
Our weekly round-up of the craziest one-liners from the episode (this are all out of context because it makes them funnier):
"I was rude because I wanted to be rude." — Kim
"She's a gremlin." — Kim
"DON'T BE MEAN KIM!" — Kris
"This is not the fucking holiday spirit, I can tell you that much." — Khloé