What You Should Know Before Watching Porn With Your Partner

Even as we progress further into being a more sex-positive society, when it comes to porn, we're often still quite divided. With a history of presenting seemingly non-consensual, violent or unrealistic portrayals of sex (and of women), it's understandable why we might be wary of incorporating porn into our sex lives, let alone our relationships.

For some, finding out that your partner watches porn can be a breaking point in the relationship, as it can distort expectations about sex and blur the lines around faithfulness. Porn addiction has also been shown to be detrimental to our mental health, as well as potentially harmful to any sexual relationships you might have. Needless to say, there are plenty of reasons why a lot of people steer clear of porn altogether.

But with the rise of feminist porn, and more informed conversations about consent and embracing healthy sexual habits in general, can we find a way to incorporate porn into our sex lives in a healthy, functional way that can actually strengthen our connections to sexual partners? Refinery29 Australia spoke to some experts in this area to find out whether porn can actually be a positive addition to our relationships.

"With so many categories, porn can showcase sexual diversity and help people explore their sexuality and learn more about themselves," Meg Callander, a sexologist at the Australian Institute of Sexology and Sexual Medicine, says.

"Porn can also inspire people to change up their sexual scripts or enjoy the kind of sex that they either can’t or don’t want to enact in real life. Porn is also highly stimulating for the brain (our most powerful sexual organ!) so it can build sexual arousal quickly. This makes porn a useful tool for folks who experience arousal issues like erection and orgasm difficulty."

Daz Tendler, another sexologist at the Australian Institute of Sexology and Sexual Medicine, agrees that watching porn in our intimate relationships can be a pleasurable and healthy experience, as long as boundaries and desires are communicated in a clear, open, honest and respectful manner.

"If you and your partner/s share and value trust and vulnerability, then exploring porn at a comfortable and mutually agreed upon pace can be exciting, satisfying and can strengthen your bonds," Tendler says. "For example, if you and your partner/s are curious about certain sexual fetishes and kinks exhibited in porn, then viewing porn through this lens could elevate pleasure sensations and orgasms."

However, Tendler warns that if porn is something you feel ashamed of within your relationship (maybe because you and your partner aren't on the same page about its value), then it can damage the trust, compassion and vulnerability you hold together. It can then become a hindrance to your sex life — and hurt your overall relationship.

Callander also notes that mainstream porn also generally doesn’t show important elements of great sex like consent, sexual communication, mutual pleasure, messiness and safer sex practices. If we can harness a collective understanding that porn is entertainment and not an accurate depiction of human sexuality, as well as make sure everyone in the relationship consents, then your sex life can definitely benefit.

"If you watch porn without this critical lens, then unrealistic expectations about sex may creep in, leaving people feeling confused and pressured to look and perform like pornstars," Callander says. "This can lead to performance anxiety, sexual avoidance or overriding our own sexual boundaries."

Callander recommends watching porn once you have discussed your intentions for watching porn with your partner and negotiated your needs and boundaries, and to only start using it when everyone is 100% on board.

Like most things in life, it's how we actually use porn that makes it healthy or unhealthy and not something that's necessarily inherent in the content. "Porn is a sexual stimulus, [so] it is neither good nor bad," Callander notes. "It’s how we engage with porn that makes it healthy or unhealthy.  If porn use still feels interesting, useful and arousing after long-term use, then great! In this case, it sounds like a healthy and useful part of the sexual menu."

On the flip side, Callander says that the agreement around porn use needs to be adjusted if it’s having a negative impact on intimacy, creating performance pressure or unrealistic sexual expectations, or if you can’t get turned on in other ways. It seems obvious, but the main thing to keep in mind is that you're using porn to help your relationship and your sex life. If it's doing the opposite in any way, you might need to stop and reevaluate.

"It can be healthy to take intentional breaks from our porn consumption to ensure we do not become reliant upon it to spark passion and creativity in our relationships," Tendler shares. "Long-term porn use in our relationships can have benefits such as the evolution of deeper affection, curiosity, desire and love for one another. However, consistent check-ins are essential to ensure that everyone’s consent, boundaries and satisfaction levels are being supported."

If you're still not convinced about traditional porn but are interested in trying some erotic content, Callander has a few alternative suggestions about other kinds of material you might find engaging. "Erotic GIFS are great for folks who struggle to get into the sounds and storylines in porn," Callander says. "They only give you a snapshot of a sexy scene, so your imagination has to make up the rest! Audio porn also kickstarts the imagination and you can listen anytime, anywhere, without anyone knowing. Erotic fiction and movies could also be a nice alternative, as well as guided mindful sex meditations."

"Everyone has diverse comfort and experience levels with porn consumption, [both] as individuals and inside our intimate relationships," Tendler concludes. "We should try to reserve preconceived negative judgments of someone’s porn preferences if they feel safe and comfortable sharing those preferences with us."

It's also important to adopt sustainable and ethical habits, as your consumption of porn don't just affect you and your partner, but the content creators you're watching too. Tendler reminds us to seek ethically-made porn, where the people involved have given their affirmative and full consent, and are aware of where and how their porn is being shared, and if they are entitled to any form of remuneration.

We live in a brave, new world where the idea of sex is ever-evolving, and our desires, habits and needs have changed accordingly. Whether porn is right up your and your partner's alley, or you'd prefer just to use your imagination — consent, communication and respect are sexual practices that will always improve your relationships.