Nothing is really off limits when it comes to Abbie Chatfield.
Last month on her podcast It’s A Lot, she shared that she’s quit watching porn and instead, has turned to some creative sources of inspiration to help her cum while masturbating. Among her makeshift erotica collection is Måneskin’s ‘I Wanna Be Your Slave’, and a festival set from 2017 featuring Donna Summer’s 'Love To Love You Baby’.
“It's worked so far,” Abbie tells me over the phone. “I came to a political podcast from 2020 [talking about the election]. It’s the most random thing, though admittedly I want to fuck the host.”
This decision to stop watching porn comes from Abbie struggling to stay present during sex or masturbation. “I just couldn't cum without going somewhere else in my mind,” she says.
“I think my brain was a bit fried when watching too much porn, so I stopped watching it to be able to orgasm without thinking about something else, so I could focus on the person I'm with or just think about the sensations if I'm masturbating.”
Jumping on the phone with a complete stranger at midday and giving them a play-by-play of your masturbation routine would probably rattle most of us. But not Abbie. She’s built an entire career on being outspoken and unflinchingly open about her life and sexuality.
The former The Bachelor contestant and winner of this year’s I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here! has made such a name for herself that most women her age already know the ins and outs of her public life.
“I try to use dating apps with women but it's really hard because men have no idea who I am — they don't give a fuck — but all women around my age know who I am. A lot of their pickup lines, they’re trying to be cute, are personal jokes from my podcast and I'm like, nooooo!”
For someone who talks a lot about sex, I wanted to find more about the 'why' behind Abbie’s openness. So I pulled out one of my trustee ReFlex conversation cards and asked her why she has sex.
I masturbate sometimes if I'm bored, sometimes because I'm anxious, sometimes because I just feel like I deserve a treat.
“I guess my answer has changed over the years. Probably when I was younger it was validation, and to have an orgasm, or to get closer to someone. But I think the only reason I have sex now is if I am disgustingly attracted to someone. It's more of an urge fill. Because obviously I can masturbate and make myself cum easier and faster. I'm also in therapy so I don't really need external validation. I think everyone thinks I have a lot of sex and I really don't — I only sleep with people if it's painful that I don’t fuck [them].”
Masturbation-wise, her answer lies in the realm of self-care. “[I masturbate] obviously to have an orgasm. I masturbate sometimes if I'm bored, sometimes because I'm anxious, sometimes because I just feel like I deserve a treat. It's kind of stress relief, it is a form of self-care. It feels good, why not?”
It’s no surprise that Abbie has created a highly raved-about sex toy with VUSH. One customer told her that they needed a Powerade after using it because they were squirting so much. When Abbie went about creating this g-spot vibrator, she channelled all her qualms about previous vibrators and used them to create her dream sex toy. One that had a longer stem and larger bulbous end, but also, a better charger.
“I know it sounds inconsequential but the charger. I was like, get the strongest magnets you can because I'm so sick of putting my fucking vibrators on charge and coming home and it hasn't been charged. It was all selfish things,” she laughs.
On Sharing Her Life With Strangers Online
Abbie talks about the cognitive dissonance — the mental discomfort of holding two conflicting beliefs — that she experiences when she’s sharing and oversharing with thousands of strangers online.
“It doesn't really feel like I'm talking to the number of people that I am — I get like 100,000 - 120,000 views on my stories and you do just feel like you're just posting it to your friends. There's a kind of cognitive dissonance there — when I'm on radio, if I'm posting on Instagram, if I'm doing the podcast, it just feels like I'm talking to myself. The way I 'deal' with that is that I don't think about the implications of people that are seeing it.”
But backlash is waiting around every corner, from anti-vaxxers spitting out conspiracy theories on her posts (claiming that she is sponsored by Big Pharma) to tabloid magazines scrutinising her every move. When she revealed that she had an abortion on The Bachelor, she lost around 1,000 Instagram followers.
“And it's like, that's good because I don't really want people who think that way following me anyways. I’ve kind of curated a little echo chamber but I'm ok with that. In this climate, I'm ok with an echo chamber around sex,” she laughs.
I still get shit scared sometimes, don't we all?
In the same way that she's curated her social following, Abbie has unconsciously curated an openness and vulnerability with the people she sleeps with, making taboo conversations a bit easier. But like any other human, Abbie still struggles with having difficult chats too.
“[I’m] probably 80% of the way there. Obviously things are much harder when it comes to someone you care about or you're trying to impress or you're trying not to hurt their feelings. I still get shit scared sometimes, don't we all?”
Recently she got her period while she was sleeping with someone and instantly became super apologetic and embarrassed. “He was like, ‘why are you apologising, you fucking freak. It was going to happen eventually. Let me just put this in the wash,’” Abbie says.
”And I was like, ‘noooo, I'm so embarrassed.’ So yeah, I still get nervous around certain people, obviously. I think it would be weird if I didn't, it would be some weird wall of me refusing to be vulnerable [with] other people.”
“Basically it was about alleviating shame from myself or being not bisexual enough. And also people and acquaintances impl[ied] that I wasn't gay or straight enough, so I think saying I'm queer is basically saying that I'm not straight. And I know that for sure, and I can be comfortable in that title. All I know is that I'm not straight. Saying I'm bisexual feels like too much pressure to be half-half,” she admits.
While her podcast has a no-holds-barred approach to her sex and dating adventures with men, it’s more silent on the women front.
“I don't talk about people that I'm currently dating so that I don't have any infiltration from the rest of the world. I also don't talk about everyone that I fuck, for good reason. I'm not going to be like, ‘oh, I fucked this girl last week and her name was blah blah blah’. I think people think because I'm so open that they know everything about my life, [but] there are a lot of things you don't know that are going on behind the scenes.”
“Also, this might be a bad thing but I simply respect the women that I sleep with more, so I give them more anonymity,” she laughs. “Like I can sit there and complain about men being dickheads, and the women that I sleep with (or have little things with), they're not treating me like shit, so there isn't anything to rant about on the podcast. I’d be like, ‘I slept with this girl and it was nice.’”
With Abbie’s frank and infectious personality, you can’t help but leave wanting to hear more. And lucky for us, she’s got a lot to say.
Interview has been edited for clarity.