At some point in history (we're not quite sure when) people started making a distinction between having sex and "making love." The implication is that only certain types of sex are intimate and meaningful, usually meaning long, luxurious, and gentle sex. Making love surely does not include hot, quick, "gotta-have-you-now" sex — aka, a "quickie."
"When people think about quickies they think about something that's 'slutty,' but it's really just a kind of sex that can be extremely satisfying and erotic," says Elle Chase, a certified sex educator and author of Curvy Girl Sex. "There’s no shame in a quickie."
Having a quickie can be a great way to quickly destress and relief tension (election stress, we're looking at you), but it can also be just as meaningful as spending hours worshiping your partner's body, Chase says. But, to make it meaningful, most people have to revamp their idea of what a quickie even means, says Kristen Lilla, an AASECT certified sex therapist in Nebraska. Ditch the idea of a quickie as a means to a fast orgasm or sexual release, and focus instead on being able to connect with your partner. A quickie doesn't have to end in orgasm.
"An orgasm is more of a cherry on top kind of thing," Lilla says. In fact, having a quickie doesn't even necessarily mean having sex, and definitely not just penetrative sex. Lilla encourages people who come to see her to broaden their definition of a quickie and think of it as taking five, 10, or 20 minutes to connect with each other. That can mean having a hot five minute make out or having quick oral or hand sex — essentially, doing anything your grandma might call "heavy petting." Of course, it can also mean having penetrative sex when you have the time.
No matter what your quickie looks like, Lilla and Chase have tips to make it as meaningful (and pleasurable) as possible. Read on for their advice.
Block out the distractionsWe get it: Sometimes, it's hard to tear yourself away from a stressful news cycle or work. Luckily, a quickie is, by definition, quick. Anyone can spare just five uninterrupted, undivided minutes to have some earth-shattering sex. Turn off your TV, silence your phone, and try to live in the moment.
Lube, lube, lubeWhile a quickie can look different to everyone, the one thing that's always true is that a quickie happens fast. And, that means you'll probably need a little help getting wet enough to make any kind of penetrative sex (whether its with a penis, a sex toy, or fingers) comfortable. For people who have vulvas, getting fully aroused can take up to 20 or 30 minutes. So, lube is an important part of the process. "You should always have lube around," Chase says. "But it's especially necessary when it’s quick sex."
Make eye contactOne way to make any kind of sex more intimate is to look into your partner's eyes, Chase says. It might feel awkward at first, but eye gazing and holding each other close can help you and your partner connect. "Often, people find that as long as there's a connection between the two of you, that sex is satisfying whether you come or not," Chase says.
Try something new"If there's something you're a little scared to try, then it might be good to try during a quickie since you don't plan to spend too much time having sex anyway," Chase says. She suggests starting with sensory deprivation by blindfolding one or more partners or grabbing some handcuffs for light bondage.
Don't forego foreplay
Use a sex toyOrgasm shouldn't be the goal, Lilla says. But, if you really need a sexual release and want an orgasm, your best bet is adding in a sex toy. "If you’re going for a quickie and the goal is orgasm, you’ll want heightened stimulation," she says.
Ensure a quick clean upPart of the reason people skip out on quickies is that the whole production of having sex just takes too much time, Lilla says. You have to get aroused and then have sex and then clean up (it's part of the reason she suggests considering a make out session instead). But, if you're going to have quickie sex, she has one tip to make clean up easier: baby wipes.
Use them to clean up down below, and to wipe away any sweat that might have built up while you were getting it on.
Build the anticipationYour quickie will be hotter and more meaningful if you've been thinking about it all day long, Chase says. So, build it up throughout the day with sexting, sexy phone calls, or little notes in your partner's pocket. It's sure to create a connection (and it is serious foreplay).
Change locationHaving sex in your same bed all the time is sure to get boring, so switching up your typical location is an easy way to make a new kind of connection with your partner. "It’s exciting to do it in a different place (think about it, who has sex in a closet?)," Chase says. The closet is one option, but she also suggests having sex in a car or on your back deck for that "maybe we’ll get caught" feeling.
Make it dirtyAgain, no judgement here — dirty isn't a bad thing. It can actually be amazing, Chase says, and a great way to build a connection with your partner. "Both men and women love raw, hard, animal sex," she says. Nonbinary people too. "Sometimes that’s where your libido takes you and that on its own can be really bonding, because you have to trust your partner not to hurt you and to really listen to you."
Plan ahead...if you canSure, lots of quickies are spontaneous. But if you happen to know when your quickie will happen, then make sure to wear something that'll make it easy to get into the good stuff asap. Dresses and skirts are great, of course, but if you're not the femme type then plan on pants that pull down easily so you and your partner don't have to deal with finicky buttons and zippers.