The Government Is Tracking Your Nutella Consumption, For Real

You remember Nutella. The hazelnut spread that galvanized the condiment world as it gave Americans an excuse to essentially put chocolate on things and call it "European." Dessert Sriracha. Right. Well, the government wants to know how much of it you eat. That's because Ferrero SpA, Nutella's Italian maker, wants to reduce the serving size from two tablespoons to one, as is mandated for jams or jellies, Bloomberg reports. The company petitioned the FDA in 2014, arguing that the spread was being used in so many non-dessert settings that it should no longer qualify as a dessert spread. So now the agency has created a document with guidelines for submitting comments about how you, personally, use "flavored nut butter spreads" in your daily life. Should the FDA find in favor of Ferrero, the amounts of calories and fat will be halved on each container. So you'll see a reduction in serving size which will reduce the current 200 calories and 11 grams of fat listed without changing anything at all. In Ferrero's defense, they say that the U.K., Australia, and France join other countries in using the smaller serving size. In practical terms, you can now write a story about how much you love Nutella and it might be read on C-SPAN2. At the very least you'll be in a government memo. Now, if you'll allow me to put on my tinfoil hat: The government and a shadowy Italian cabal are conspiring to control your Nutella intake. Stay woke. Is this a Dan Brown novel — is Tom Hanks involved? Does this go all the way to the Vatican?? Thanks for letting me do that.