This Week In TV: Here's What Happened On GCB, New Girl, & Parks And Recreation

Too Good for GCB? Here’s What Happened, Bitch
(If I have to explain that that stands for Good Christian Bitches, and later – briefly – Good Christian Belles, please refer to IMDB, then return to this post.)
1. Remember how ABC wouldn't give any details about the “scandal” that ends Leslie Bibb's marriage, in all the previews? It’s because her husband died in a car accident. During said car accident, he was getting road head from his wife’s best friend. He couldn't manage to have an orgasm and drive on a curvy road**, so he drove off a cliff. As the car careened over the precipice, a lot of bills began to flutter into the air. Not only was Bibb’s husband cheating on her, he was also running a Madoff-style Ponzi scheme! At the time of the car accident, he was escaping his marriage, family, and the law. Going forward, the car accident will be described as “the creepy way he died,” which, in my opinion, is a very kind and vague way to put it.
2. Kristen Chenoweth (I forgot her character’s name already) husband owns a company called Cockburn Unlimited – the jokes just write themselves. Chenoweth has officially joined Cheryl Hines’ Suburgatory character in the competition for “Most Barbie-fied in the Name of Situation Comedy.” She looks like a grown-up version of a Toddlers & Tiaras star.
dress3. Leslie Bibb’s character starts working at a Hooters clone after she finally admits defeat and moves back to Dallas with her mother (Annie Potts!). Then, she shows up to the Hoedown Throwdown dressed like a confused ice-dancing burlesque performer. Curiously, no one seems to notice or find her high tassel-to-fabric ratio at all disturbing.
4. One of the girls to whom Leslie Bibb was apparently a major Mean Girls-style bitch to in high school is named Cricket. Of course she is. Anyway, the only thing you need to know about Cricket is that she’s married to an Adonis of a closeted man who is having an affair with his head ranch hand. Leslie Bibb, of course, finds out about this affair within two minutes of meeting them. Cricket, who has known her husband her entire life, apparently has no idea. Ignorance is bliss?
5. Chenoweth gets her comeuppance when Leslie Bibb stands up in church and – in a very public forum that I’m not sure is allowed – loudly condemns her and her friends’ actions in a sort of confession-type deal. But she does it in a vague way that doesn’t seem as petty as it truly is, you know? Like, maybe she didn't just air everyone’s dirty laundry in public and then say something to the effect of “And if you think you’re gonna run me outta town, well, think again,” which cannot be something that happens in real life…ever.
Preview line from next week: “We are throwing down.” Bibb’s character ain’t leaving town without a fight. It’s on.
**I’m guessing it’s hard? (Pun intended.)
Photo: Courtesy of Ray Michshaw/ Fox
New Girl: Tush Prints in the Sand
Man down!
Hey, girl! Whatcha doin’? Oh, taking a trip to serious town? Sorta doing the plot of 50/50 in sitcom form, but with a little switcheroo at the last minute because this is a half-hour sitcom? That’s cool; I’ll just let Nick summarize the plot for us in this monologue he delivers on a beach with his testicles in his abdomen after skinny dipping in the Pacific Ocean in the winter (so picture a practically naked Jake Johnson saying this):
“I’m not okay, Jess. I woke up this morning, and I just wanted to play a friendly game of touch football. But then I hurt my back, and I went to your gynecologist, and now I might have cancer. So no, Jess, I’m not okay.”
That’s the gist of it, but here are a few key quotes to flesh it out:
“You’re walking like a Disney witch.”
According to Jess, the fact that Nick starts walking like Maleficent after she tackles him is a surefire sign he needs to go to the doctor. Just like Disney witches, however, our lost boy Nick doesn’t have health insurance.
“One of the reasons I moved to Los Angeles was to get closer to whales and record them.”
Nick, who is hopped up on what appear to be a mix of extra-strength Midol, Oxycontin, a dash of Vicodin, and direction to act like he’s in a K-hole, offers this excuse as one of a list of reasons why he is unavailable to get an ultrasound on a growth in his thyroid the next day.
“It's because he refuses to wear a blue tooth. You know I got him one for his birthday and he gave it back to me for Hanukkah.”
If only Nick hadn’t returned Schmidt’s present, the group wouldn’t now be waiting to hear if their friend has throat cancer or not.
“My funeral is my time to shine. I want the girls to think ‘I wish I brought Nick Miller to orgasm.’”
Well, anyone who’s ever contemplated their own funeral has surely come up with a list of absurd things they'd like to see happen. I, for one, would like a violinist to perform “Eleanor Rigby” acoustically while my loved ones recap my life in the form of Onion headlines. For example: "Area Woman Thinks Every Rock Opera Is About Her Teen Angst." Go ahead; share your fakakta funeral requests. This is a safe space.
“If everybody went to the ocean and jumped in the water...well, I’m the guy on the beach holding the wallets.”
The reason Nick finds himself suffering from extreme hypothermia the night before his possible cancer diagnosis? He tells Jess about his fear of leaping without looking, which of course means a smash cut to him skinny dipping.
“How long does it take for someone to find out he has cancer?”
The good news: Nick doesn’t have cancer, just a cyst or something he doesn’t really care about because it’s not cancer. The bad news: he uses a Ziploc bag as a wallet, and his friends have to pay for his ultrasound. The worse news: Schmidt has tons of wallet chains we can all borrow.
The Complaint Department:
Jess and Cece look adorable and amazing as ever even when they wake up on the beach. Here’s an artist’s rendering of how I would look in the same situation:
Lucille Bluth says see you next week, girl!
Photo: Courtesy of Dean Handler/ NBC
Parks and Recreation: Election Episode #58750
But look, it was written by Nick Offerman aka Ron Swanson himself!
In perfect synchronicity with our nation’s growing numbness to the 2012 election season (seriously, primaries until May?), Parks viewers grown weary of the election plot that serves as the main crux of season four. This week is Bobby Newport-less (he’s still sexcapading in Majorca), Perderick L. Hapley-less, and Jean-Ralphio-less. We meet another Indiana television personality in the form of Bobby Wood (Sean Hayes), but he turns out to be a pompous blowhard who is clearly drinking Eagleton’s Pawnee Haterade. It doesn’t help that Leslie shows up to the interview drunk. Thank god she didn’t wear the NYMPHO latex leggings.
Just as Leslie’s luck seems to have run out, we discover that an airport employee she once helped was kind enough to sabotage Bobby Wood’s horrible interview. Unfortunately, it remains unclear whether Leslie and Ben knew about or had machinated this evidence tampering. Parks writers have a knack for planting small plot points that return in major ways in the future. Remember the custodian at Lil’ Sebastian’s memorial who traded Leslie and Ben for a day off in exchange for his “discretion” about their illicit relationship? That “bribe” was the reason Ben had to resign from his government position. So, this whole airport baggage “loss” could rear its head in the future.
Over in the B story line, Andy is preparing for his first college final exam. It’s an oral exam**, and he’s taking the class pass/fail. Nevertheless, Andy has decided to transform himself into one of the perfect children of Hailsham, from Never Let Me Go, for both exam prep and the actual test itself. Despite his nerves and constant repetition of facts about Susan B. Anthony, Andy passes with a P; though he was shooting for an elusive P+.
The whole Andy oral thing was just a lead-in to the key B story, though. April, Andy, Ron, and Andy’s women’s studies professor go out for celebratory steaks. At the restaurant, we discover that the professor is a health nut, and — oh, would you look at that — Chris just happens to be eating alone at the very same place. How serendipitous.
April, who is quickly becoming the Patti Stanger of Pawnee, invites Chris to join their group and — bam! — instant chemistry between Traeger and the teacher. But oh, it’s the ol' opposites attract situation! Professor tells Chris she’s not ready to date again after her recent breakup, and then goes home with unhealthy steak-inhaling Ron. The next day, April and Andy convince the creeptacular morning-after Ron (who offers to buy them Walkmans in his post-coital haze) to let Chris know, but still...Traeger totally got Swansoned.
Oh and in the C-story, Donna and Jerry licked envelopes. I actually watched two people on TV stuff and lick envelopes.
Oh right, watch Community and read quasi-spoilers from the Parks and Rec panel at PaleyFest. See you next week!
** Insert jokes about the word “oral” here, here, and here.
What shows would you like to see us recap? Comment, below!

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