Hump, Marry, Kill TV Checklist: In Which Pauly D Is the World’s Most Eligible Bachelor


Photo: Courtesy of Michael Becker/FOX; Courtesy of Chris Ragazzo/IFC; Courtesy of Dewey Nicks/MTV

Hump: FOX debuted two new reality shows on Thursday night, but if you forgot to watch, you’ll somehow continue living — trust me. I’ll let the press release for one of said shows describe it better than I ever could:
“Filmed in front of a live audience, each episode begins with four of the world’s most eligible bachelors sitting in rotating chairs, turning their backs on love and unable to see the sexy singles looking for a date with fame. In this initial 'Blind Round,' each celebrity can only use his suitors’ voices – as they share information about their life, passions, turn-ons, and turn-offs – to help himself make The Choice. When the celebrity bachelor likes what he hears, he pulls his 'love handle,' spinning his chair around to bring him face-to-face for the first time with his potential mate. If more than one celebrity pulls the handle, they must battle it out for her affection until the sexy single gets The Choice to pick whose dating pool she wants to swim in.”

Let me break that down for you:
“Four of the world’s most eligible bachelors” = men like Pauly D., Romeo, and Rob Kardashian
“Sitting in rotating chairs” = “Can you tell we’re mocking The Voice while completely ripping off its spinning chair/blind judging premise? Because we are.”
“Sexy singles looking for a date with fame” = Just looking for fame
“As they share information about their life, passions, turn-ons, and turn-offs” = As they grovel as if their lives depended on it, while also revealing physical attributes such as hair color and leg length
“Whose dating pool she wants to swim in” = Let's not go there

One of the “world’s most eligible bachelors” on the series premiere was soap opera star Jason Cook. He’s Italian and was on Days of Our Lives for almost 10 years. Sound familiar? Yeah, he’s pretty much the real life version of Joey Tribbiani.
While not the sharpest, tallest, or best-looking tool in the shed, Jason Cook definitely got the night’s best date. It’s unclear why Nia (a former collegiate volleyball player so gorgeous she’ll probably be offered a Cover Girl contract tomorrow) agreed to appear on a show that definitely has Betty Friedan spinning in her grave. To quote Romeo (the singer, not the star-crossed lover), “She’s better looking than a Picasso.” Kind of a weird compliment when you think about it, but I agree, Romeo, she’s quite striking. Nia, how you doin’?
Marry: Comedy Bang Bang is the lovechild of a surrealist painting and a talk show. If you’re a comedy podcast fan, you already know “Comedy Bang Bang,” the podcast which started as Comedy Death-Ray Radio, a radio show on California’s Indie 103. If we’re being technical, it was an extension of a weekly live show called "Comedy Death-Ray" at UCB in L.A. What I’m trying to say is: This thing’s got deep roots.
Writer and comedian Scott Aukerman, known for his writing on "Mr. Show with Bob and David," hosts the show. As a devoted listener of his podcast, I fully agree with Zach Galifianakis’ assessment in this past Sunday’s Times that Aukerman is a “den mother to comics.” He seems to know everyone, and I don’t mean “know” in the fake, Hollywood sense. Some of the most well-known comedians (Galafianakis, Nick Kroll) and actors (Jon Hamm, Adam Scott) call him a personal friend, for real.
Comedy Bang Bang, the TV show, premieres Friday night on IFC. I’ll tell you up front, it’s not everyone’s brand of humor. The premiere episode is full of uncomfortable silences, is rude in a “ that mean? Should I be offended? Nah, it’s funny” type of way, and takes place in a bleak Blade Runner-meets-“Laser Cats” dystopian future where you still need to feed parking meters.
Through it all, Aukerman remains affable and even adds cute points by having his adorable French bulldog Rocky on the show. Thomas Lennon (Reno 911!) plays a soused sommelier, Gillian Jacobs (Community) is a kooky space girl, and Will Forte (SNL and 30 Rock) stops by as a pilot who landed a plane in a mall because he was stalking his ex-girlfriend and wanted a Wetzel’s Pretzel. And, even in a dystopian future, Aukerman drives a 2000 Toyota Avalon. It’s all just so whimsical and odd.
Kill: Yes, I watch Teen Wolf. It’s pretty damn entertaining and has done a surprisingly good job of distancing itself from the Michael J. Fox ‘80s classic.
But the cast...oh, the cast. Here’s my suggestion, MTV. Let’s ditch Holland Roden as Lydia. It’s probably too late for that now, but her facial expressions (her part seems to require nothing beyond “shocked” “oh my god” mouth Os, so it may not entirely be her fault) are...lacking. It’s kind of unclear where her story arc is going, anyway. Is she a werewolf? Is she that lizard thing Scott and Allison saw in Isaac’s house? (While we’re talking about that night in Isaac’s house, it doesn’t say much about the town police department that two teens managed to spend the night at a potential crime scene.)
It doesn’t matter. Lydia can go, and then someone new can come in as a love interest for Stiles. That guy definitely needs some action of the non-werewolf variety.

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