For Angela*, 35, a physician's assistant in an oncology department in Chicago, a typical day also sounds like a very difficult day. To keep her family of four afloat, she says she has to be "100% mom and 100% employee" (which, yes, adds up to two entire people), while it's "okay" for her husband to just be the one guy (and he still has time to go to the gym). Angela's literally trying to cure women's cancer at work, and she's facing antiquated gender roles and unfair standards at home; her husband doesn't do enough, and she's tired. Her job can be gut-wrenching, but she says her two boys save her life every time she walks in the door. Read on to see what this mom fits into her day — and what she does for a paltry 20 minutes of peace at the end of it.
Brady, my 4-year-old, often wakes at 5 a.m. or so to get in bed with me. Not a big deal during the week, but on weekends it stinks. I can never sleep with him in the bed. My husband is always knocked out cold. No fair. The alarm goes off almost immediately after the little bug jumps in, and I hit snooze.
I would gladly trade money for more support.
I eat quickly and do these things by phone; it's amazing how much you can accomplish!
I think about the boys all the time, but there are moments when work is so crazy, and patients are so sick, that I miss calls from the nanny or forget to check in. I have missed calls about my son being ill because I am taking care of ill people at work. It's the worst. Even so, I make all the kids' doctor, dentist, haircut appointments. I do all the school, camp, and class registrations. I arrange all the playdates and trips to the zoo, water park, and museums. I plan all the parties; I buy all their essentials. I manage all of their illnesses, including medication schedules, etc. I usually eat quickly and do these things by phone, mostly while working; it's amazing how much you can accomplish!
My kids save me every day. Before kids, I would stress (and at times straight-up obsess) about the day's events and that one sick patient I couldn't reach. These days, regardless of how crazy and sad the day has been, I find myself picturing my kiddos' faces as I head home. By the time I walk through the door, I am Mommy and no longer a Gyn-Onc PA — not that I forgot about my sick patients or the stuff I need to catch up on, but I put it on hold. For someone who tends to always be worried about something, this is a big accomplishment. And yet it came totally naturally. Motherhood is quite a strong phenomenon!
Things will not be perfect and that's okay. Your kids will love you anyway.
My husband hasn't modified his life like I have. Should I fault him for that? Maybe not, but I do.
My biggest struggle right now is… Not resenting the fact that everything is on my shoulders all the time. Kids, work, house, family — resentment is an understatement, actually. The one thing I have learned is that I am the one who has changed. I became a mom and take that the MOST seriously. I will always be a physician's assistant, and I will always work my ass off to care for my patients. But I am a mom above all. My husband is the same as always; he has not modified his life like I have. Should I fault him for that? Maybe not...but I do. How do you feel about your body now, and how is that different from your self-image pre-baby?
Immediately post-baby I tried to stay away from the camera. Now, I know my body is different, but I am proud that I carried and birthed two babies. I am owning my body these days. What postpartum symptoms are you still dealing with, or did you struggle with after having your children?
I definitely suffered from postpartum depression with Brady but recovered, thankfully. I felt much more myself when Jack was born, and I thank my nanny for that. She worked part-time hours while I was on maternity leave to help out — we couldn't afford it, but did it anyway. You have to prioritize making sure you are okay, for yourself and your family. Have you come up with a parenting hack that changed the game for you?
Work hard. Play hard. Moms have to get out and do things for themselves to feel normal. What have you felt the least prepared for so far? Anything you think working moms NEED to know?
There are not enough hours in the day. Especially if your spouse expects you to figure everything out and handle everything at home every day. Accept that things will not be perfect, and that is okay. Your kids will love you anyway. Also remember that it is okay to escape for a few minutes to drink wine and put away laundry with Bravo on. Ed. note: Names have been changed.