I Tried To “Zen-ify” My Shower & Almost Killed Myself In The Process

Photographed by Julia Robbs.
Well, I didn't actually come close to death — I "died" in the way that your mom always warns you you'll "poke your eye out." I tried to declutter my bathroom and royally screwed up. But how? Conventional wisdom says that "decluttering" is generally a safe domestic pursuit. After reading an article on Apartment Therapy, I decided to remove "visual clutter" in my bathroom for a more streamlined look. Eureka!, I thought. I decanted my shampoo into a glass bottle, huffed in Brooklyn's crisp fall air through the open window, and screwed the cap back on with a self-determined relish only Socality Barbie would understand. To complete the transformation, I swapped out my body wash for a bar soap to be kept on an exhaustively expensive pine soap-dish that gave off Finnish spa vibes. I tucked the soap and shampoo onto a little shelf, stepped back, and felt zen. I would've snapped a picture for Instagram, "#TooBlessedToBeStressed," and captioned it with a winking emoji were it not for the heinous brown tile that lines my shower. Then came Monday morning. I reached for the soap, groggily, and found it had adhered itself to the dish. I tugged at it, not thinking to lift up the whole dish and run it under water, and knocked my decanted shampoo off the shelf. It. Shattered. Everywhere. I stood there, freaking out about the glass around my feet, wondering if I should try to grab my phone and Google, "What do I do if glass breaks in the shower while I'm in the shower?" While the water kept running, and I felt both tired and stupid, I realized should've seen this coming. If only I'd just lifted the damn soap dish off of the shelf! Long story short: I cleaned up the mess and got on with my day. Our shower is now spic-and-span. But my zen? I'm hoping it's still out there.

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