1. Wipes Warmer
Pamper their tush with warm wipes, and they’ll expect Canyon Ranch-style comforts 24/7. It begins here and ends with them demanding truffle oil for their mac and cheese.
2. Bathtub Thermometer
Please, use your head. And, then use your wrist to test the water.
3. Peepee Teepee
If you think this tiny terry-cloth dome will protect you from the spray of your baby boy, then you’re clearly underestimating his machinery.
4. Bottle Scrunchie
Sure, it catches the dribbles off a bottle, but it looks ridiculous. As ridiculous as, well, a scrunchie.
5. Infant Shoes
Non-walkers don’t need shoes — they’re not going anywhere. They need booties, so stock up! They’re certainly not essential, but they’re damn cute.
6. Bib-Tablecloth Combo
This frontal cape is supposed to keep food off the floor, but, really, it just ensures that discarded food stays within baby’s reach — so he can mush it over and over again.
7. Shopping-Cart Cover
It’s basically a poncho that protects your kid from dangerous shopping-cart germs. Save your girl from fuchsia leopard prints for one more day, and run a Wet-Nap over the handlebar instead.
8. Baby Tub/Scale Combo
This combines two baby pet peeves — getting weighed and being bathed — into one soon-to-be-obsolete hunka plastic.
9. Baby Bum Perfume
Tush deodorant is probably not necessary if you’re half decent with a baby wipe.
10. Bottle Warmer
We were told it can be used to warm up sake once the baby transitions to cups — which is to say, it’s otherwise useless. Warm water will do.
11. Bottle-Holder Helper
A stand that helps babies self-feed can only be justified by parents of multiples. They should buy any and everything that makes life easier.
12. Wearable Monitoring
Why hang out with your baby when your iPhone and this Big Brother onesie can tell you how he’s doing?
13. Formula Mixer
Shake, shake, shake that bottle. Congrats, you’ve just toned your arms and saved the $150 it costs to buy a baby-formula Keurig.