Angelina’s New Song Is The Worst Thing You Will Ever Hear In Your Entire Life

The most highly anticipated musical event of the year has finally arrived: Former Jersey Shore star Angelina's single! It's a lyrical masterpiece, in turns subtle, heart-jerking, thoughtful, and deeply, deeply moving—honestly a transcendental operatic odyssey. Right. Listening to this Renee Fleming in-the-making was probably the WORST way we could have started our lunch hour (but the best way to make that hangover really hit). The song, in an apparent ironic wink to Angelina's mirror, is entitled "I'm Hot," but everything about the four-plus minutes track is fuglier than her trash bag luggage. The lyrics are so ridiculous it's almost painful to even relay them (we think the start is especially poignant), but here's one jewel of a line: "She used to be the bad ass girl, yea, from the hood, but now she's busting all the doors down in Hollywood..." Oh, and this lil' rap: "I'm hot so hot, I'm like an ice cream cone with a cherry on top, and I got a lot, no I won't stop til I pop to the top. I take a shot it hits the spot then dance a lot until I drop. I shop, I shop..." The heavy auto-tuning can't even begin to save the ditty, though bonus points for the back-and-forth between someone who sounds suspiciously like Pauly D and her own breathy voice, all interspersed with random phones ringing, and a techno beat that could be called torture in some countries. The Countess and Kim Zolciak would easily win Grammys in comparison. Not hot.

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