Bachelor in Paradise is desperately, wantonly zany these days, luxuriating in weird edit tricks and long conversations about cheese. The relationships are zany, too, but dating on television will always be weird. That's nothing new. Last night’s episode was particularly weird, though, in that Jordan Kimball, a prophet of sorts for the series, compared a few women to food.
As the episode came to a close, Kimball had a quick conversation with his friend Chris Randone, who was deciding between two women. Randone was in a pickle. He was committed to Tia Booth, an Arkansas native who happens to be a franchise favorite. But Krystal Nielson, a blonde fitness trainer from California, recently changed things for him. She approached Randone to express her interest, and Randone agreed, in part because he’d never kissed a blonde. (His words, not mine.) Randone was stuck between Booth, a brunette, and Nielson, a blonde.
What’s a burly, bearded man to do? Well, he’ll turn to his best friend, Kimball.
Somewhere in the process of talking out a decision, Kimball started comparing women to foods. He began with Nielson, whom he described as “dinner.”
“Dinner is Krystal for you. A fantastic main course,” Kimball said, adding, “Champagne, real food, real conversation, and a kiss walking through the fucking water.” Kimball doesn’t entirely clarify the metaphor here. Is Krystal the food? The drinks? Or is she… someone Randone should take to dinner?
Regardless, Randone did a little “yes, and” and suggested that Annaliese Puccini is an “appetizer.” (Puccini is only tangentially related. She was dating Kimball, but they ended things early in the episode. How she became an appetizer is mystifying.)
Then, Kimball compares Bibiana Julian, a still-single fan favorite on the show, to dessert.
“Bibiana for just straight drinks and carrot cake,” Kimball said. Julian is definitely dessert, they decided.
A later conversation about cheese, by the way, had more consistency and less women-compared-to-food-ishness. The gist of it was that Kenny King, a wrestler, had been dumped by Nielson, who wanted to date Randone. King pointed out that they're like "rats" being forced to find cheese in a maze. Nielson had averted her course, convinced she'd find the cheese elsewhere. But King would stay trained on the original track, convinced that the cheese was exactly where he thought it was. This is... sound. The Bachelor in Paradise cast amounts to a pack of lab rats, all of them getting sunburnt on the beach while we, the scientists, observe.
As a "scientist," we'll say this: Kimball comparing women to food is an interesting illustration of his feelings toward them.