When a sex toy store is robbed of $10,000 in toys and 30,000 condoms, it's fodder for a pretty epic press release. That's what we've all learned following two back-to-back robberies at a Las Vegas Lelo warehouse over the weekend.
The store caught their thieves on security cameras both times, once on Friday night when they came for the condoms and again the next morning when they grabbed three boxes of the toys.
The store obviously isn't happy about losing more than $10K in merchandise, so they took out their frustrations in a press release so snarky it should go down in history.
The statement — aptly titled "You might Question our Security, but You can't Argue with Our Protection" — begins with the store lamenting it's growing popularity.
"while the press acclaim for LELO grew, and we were all feeling pretty good about ourselves, little did we know that a dark force was growing in strength against us. That force? Greed.
*thunder & lightning*"
They then had some choice words for the people who committed this theft.
"One hopes that they stole those condoms, got into a time machine, went back 18-25 years (by the looks of it), and presented them all to their own fathers," the statement reads.
And although they're pretty sure the robbers knew what they were after, the people at Lelo kind of hope that they thought they were stealing from a random warehouse (at least after the first robbery) and went home to take a look at their spoils only to discover that they were swimming in condoms.
"We hope they saw a shiny new warehouse and thought 'yeahhhh we about to be Made Men, sonnnn' and they went home with their ill-gotten loot, opened up the boxes, discovered they had grabbed 30000 condoms by accident, and were so stunned that they realized they depended on each other’s partnership to get over the trauma, quickly fell in passionate love, had no condoms left by the end of the week, and quit their life of crime to grow old together and renovate a charming guesthouse in New Orleans," the statement reads.
As beautiful as that story would be, it's pretty clear that they knew exactly what kind of warehouse they were stealing from, given that they came back for more boxes the next morning. Given the sheer number of prostate massagers, kegel beads, and condoms these people took, Lelo just has one question.
"WHAT KIND OF PARTY ARE THESE PEOPLE HAVING."
No matter what, though, they're glad that they stole condoms along with the sex toys so at least we know they're having safe sex...and won't procreate.
But all jokes aside, Lelo really would like to get their sex toys back and the store is asking anyone who might have information about the crime to contact the Las Vegas Police Department. If they get the toys back, they plan to donate the full value of the merchandise to a charity of the informant's choosing.
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