Boy, and we thought a chatty masseuse was bad. In a preview for horror flick A Cure For Wellness, directed by The Ring’s Gore Verbinski, clients are treated to meditation and soak sessions in the types of oversized, free-standing tubs that lace our dream-home Pinterest boards. So far, so good. That is, until the eels come in. That’s right, slithering right into the so-called sensory deprivation tank — eek — mid-treatment. Or how about the meditations on air that end with these soothing words: “Accept the futility of your existence. Imagine your spirit crashing down and with it, everything you've ever known and loved.” Um...okay.
These are the spa services on hand in the film’s Swiss wellness center, located on the perfectly manicured grounds of a stunning chalet, “away from the pressures of the modern world.” The spa may be full-service — it offers a mind and body cleanse, with art therapy to boot. While the robes may be plush, if you ask us, the film’s rookie protagonist missed one basic clue: There is no Champagne on those gorgeous Swiss grounds. So we humbly offer a little pro tip for our victim of horrors: Wellness program or not, a spa ain’t a spa unless there’s bubbly being poured. The creepy movie is set to be released in February, just in time for a post-Valentine's Day date that'll really freak out your S.O. If he or she still hasn't come around to couples pedicures, you might want to skip this one if you have any hope of ever unwinding together ever.