Can you believe there's only one episode until the season finale of Scream Queens? I feel like we just got to the good stuff. There's still a LOT to talk about (and a few things to ponder). This week's episode, "Lovin' The D" opens with a potentially deadly setup featuring all three of the Green Meanies who unite to kill the three main Chanels. Luckily for Chanel Oberlin (Emma Roberts) and Chanel No. 5 (Abigail Breslin), Chanel No. 3 (Billie Lourd) has set up an agreement with her boyfriend, Dr. Cassidy Cascade (Taylor Lautner, IRL and on the show), for him to not kill her or her Kappa sisters. Despite that, Nurse Hoffel (Kirstie Alley) tries her best to stab Chanel multiple times to no avail. The three hot pink-clad sorority sisters escape but are visibly shaken and once again realize they're at the center of this bloody mess. In the words of Chanel: "I don't want to die in this outfit!" Two of the Meanies, Wes Gardner (Oliver Hudson) and Dr. Cassidy fight over who gets to kill the HBIC and in the end she escapes. Once the coast is clear (i.e.: the Chanels are gone), Hester (Lea Michelle) emerges and scolds the three unsuccessful killers, explaining that there needs to be some order to their madness. As one of the former Red Devil killers herself, she has a point. How are they to get any killing done if they can't decide on who gets to kill each Chanel? She calls for an "Inaugural Green Meanie Summit" where the four of them will "go over past and future kills and divvy up the future murders." Spoken like a true psychopath. Meanwhile, the Chanels gush over a daytime television doctor (and fellow Kappa alumnae), Doctor Scarlett Lovin (Brooke Shields). Dr. Lovin's show, Lovin' The D (as in Doctor, duh) is everything the Chanels aspire to be: famous, on TV, and rich. Dr. Lovin unexpectedly arrives at the CURE Institute with a proposition for Dr. Brock Holt (John Stamos), Kathy Munsch (Jamie Lee Curtis), and the Chanels — she wants them to perform the first ever live surgery on a willing patient with a 16-pound tumor on his face. Of course, the Chanels are beyond ecstatic, as is Munsch. Dr. Holt is more hesitant because he is the one who would actually do the surgery and thinks the real attention should be put on him, not the three girls who don't even have medical degrees. The battle of the narcissists ends with the surgery still happening, but not as originally planned. You see, at the Green Meanie Summit, it was determined that Hoffel would be the one to kill Chanel because she deserves it the most (Chanel accidentally murdered her sister, Agatha, remember?) But Wes really, really wants to be the one to murder Chanel because he blames her for his daughter, Grace's, mental issues so he puts cyanide in a cup of coffee and lays it out for Chanel before the surgery. In a classic mix-up moment, Dr. Lovin drinks the poisoned coffee instead and instantly dies, giving Chanel the full spotlight during the 10-hour tumor removal. Chanel and her two minions impress the CEO of the network so much so that they end up being offered the series (to fill in for Dr. Lovin after her untimely, but apparently unsurprising, death). The botched murder was brought to the attention of Hoffel who is pissed off at Wes for trying to kill Chanel despite their vote. (Yes — Dr. Cassidy, Hoffel, and Hester all voted on who got to kill Chanel and Hoffel won, fair and square.) As punishment, she teams up with Dr. Cassidy to literally fry Wes to death using a vat of hot peanut oil. Looks like we're back down to two Green Meanies. Other than almost being killed in the first scene, the Chanels had a pretty solid week. They managed to not only survive, but also to pass the MCATS. Chanel and Chanel No. 3 cheat, but Chanel No. 5 takes the test all on her own and shockingly gets an almost perfect score. This is her big moment, and no one gives a shit: "I'm a genius and nobody cares!" Seriously, when is she going to finally snap?
Dr. Cassidy and Chanel No. 3 almost take their relationship to the next level when she goes to his house (which by the way, shows POOR ZAYDAY WILLIAMS (Keke Palmer) still trapped in a secret lair under the evil mother's bed) to talk to his devilish mother. She's a total bitch to Chanel No. 3, who reminds her that she is having her son (the baby in the belly) kill people who were not involved in her husband's 1986 murder."You're mad at architecture and geography," she tells the mother about her obsession with killing every employee working at the CURE Institute. Upon hearing this, Dr. Cassidy's mother gives her son an ultimatum: me or "Ear Muffs." Cassidy chooses his mother, and Chanel No. 3 leaves. As soon as she's gone, his mother remarks: "I am sorry but she is going to have to die." Nooo! She is my favorite. In other failed relationship news: Dr. Holt makes out with Hester after she hints that he may be a cold-blooded killer, too. Geez. Wes reveals that he killed Chad Radwell (not really a relationship, but basically everyone slept with him on the show). Munsch finally shares her illness with everyone, cutting off all her impending relationships when she says that she will be dead in a month from her mystery incurable disease. There is one shred of hope though, based on the trailer Denise Hemphill (Niecey Nash) is BAA-ACK, as I predicted! I wonder what sleuthing she'll get in to. What a week! Let's see who makes it out alive next week in the finale. Quote of the night goes to Chanel No. 3 when she tells Dr. Cassidy Cascade how much of a deal breaker him being a serial killer is: "It's like having one of those tribal tattoos around your bicep."