Bubble Wrap, The Joy Of Our Childhoods, Is Now Ruined Forever

Photo: Mint Images/REX Shutterstock.
You can't eat cookie dough because the raw egg might give you salmonella, Hello Kitty isn't a cat, and, now, bubble wrap will no longer pop. Happy Thursday — your childhood is ruined. The Wall Street Journal reports that Sealed Air Corp., the "original seller of Bubble Wrap since 1960," will introduce a new "revamped" version of the product. This bullshit version is called iBubble Wrap, and all you need to know about it is that it doesn't pop. The new-model bubble wrap comes in flat sheets, which you then blow up with a custom pump — like an inflatable mattress where the innocent pleasures of your youth were killed. The air will fill interconnected columns, rather than individual bubbles. We reached out to Sealed Air for comment (subject line: "Why, God, Why?") and will update when we hear back. The appeal of the iBubble Wrap is its space efficiency. Because it can be shipped before it's inflated, it takes up about 50 times less space. Sealed Air hopes the "iBubble Wrap will appeal to space-conscious online retailers who are driving swift growth in the global packaging business, even as fans are disappointed by the lack of pop," writes the WSJ.

While mourning, you can take solace in the fact that, at least, there's a bubble wrap popping app. As far we know, that's not being taken from us anytime soon.

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