“It’s Where I Spend All My Time”: The Joy Of The Women’s Toilets In The Club

You walk in and there’s red lipstick smears on the mirrors, someone with glittery eye makeup, another in the Damson Madder dress of the summer, and chatter so loud you can no longer hear the DJ playing Sabrina Carpenter’s latest hit: Spending some time in the women’s toilets is a night out rite of passage. To your left, someone is crying about a love interest. Without hesitation, two strangers nearby console this person, then begin hyping them up until the tears stop. Two others share makeup tips, and maybe even a swipe at a product if they’re feeling generous. Someone else is asking for a tampon. It’s chaotic, but in a safe, supportive and fun kind of way. And it’s always been this way, women for generations have been enjoying getting dressed up and meeting other women in the club bathrooms. 

So, it hit a nerve with Charli XCX’s fanbase when she told Rolling Stone for the June/July issue: “I actually avoid the girls’ bathroom in clubs,” explaining she goes into the men’s because “there’s no drama and annoying like, ‘He said that…’ [...] I don’t actually like the deep chats because I find it really annoying.” She said this with a mocking exaggerated “female” voice, too. In the comments on TikTok, people called this a “rare L”, “sexist” and “pick me energy”. It’s easy to see why, when the toilets for women are often part of the night out experience, just as valid as the dance floor. In a Refinery29 small sample survey on 131 readers, 88% said there is a sense of community in women’s bathrooms on nights out, and 87% have experienced a positive encounter with a stranger there. Ninety-four percent answered they always feel safe in these spaces, too, which says a lot when outside of the bathroom, night out contexts are full of situations in which women often feel at risk.

All because of a brief moment in the bathroom, a night out can be transformed. Alice Lambert, 27, from France, now living in Christchurch, UK, loves how friendly people are in club toilets. “One night, I wasn’t feeling very comfortable in my clothes and I stopped in the toilets,” she remembers. “I was wearing a crop top and shorts, and because of the compliments I got, I started wearing these kinds of outfits more often, being more comfortable showing my body because of random girls saying ‘Oh my gosh, you look so beautiful.’” Lambert has even made friends with some of these women, keeping in touch after going back out on the dance floor together and exchanging Instagram handles. “If you’re in a bad mood, there is always one girl who is going to come and talk to you. Not too long ago, I went to a lesbian club and I wasn’t feeling the music so I took a moment and straight away someone asked me if I was alright.” Our collective enjoyment of women’s bathrooms is rooted in fleeting moments of connection. A Sage study found that having conversations with strangers can lead to “greater life satisfaction”. When loneliness is so rampant among Gen Z, brief moments with random people matter all the more. Liane Bell, 38, based in the UK, also thinks the women’s toilets are worth celebrating, saying: “I love the bathroom on a night out. It’s where I spend all my time! I’ve spent hours on nights out just talking tripe to strangers.” Though we complain about the queues, they make speaking with new people easier.

Psychologically, it makes sense that so many of us relish socialising in the bathroom, as “women have always found safety in numbers and among kin,” according to Caroline Plumer, psychotherapist at CPPC London. “A female-only space is likely to feel more safe than a mixed environment. Compared to the rest of a club, the bathroom is also better lit and less crowded.”  While outside of the bathroom, creeps might eye up someone who looks sad or lost, inside, women are often helping each other feel better emotionally, assessing how intoxicated someone might be (whether they need to be sent home in an Uber), and alerting each other to any nip slips or tucked skirts. If these spaces existed more freely throughout the nightlife scene, perhaps the women’s toilets wouldn’t be such a focal stopping place. Plumer adds what’s special about women’s bathrooms is that they’re often devoid of competitiveness which might exist outside. “We may not even realise it, but society has conditioned women to compete with one another — both personally and professionally — and this can be particularly toxic when it comes to seeking male attention. The bathroom can be a reminder that we often feel safest and at our most confident when we work together and support one another. It’s a space where competition tends to be forgotten.” 

However, the toilets aren’t always a safe haven for everyone. They can be isolating for those who want to club sober. Refinery29’s Humeara Mohamed says: “I’m not a drinker and I’ve never taken drugs. Whenever I find myself in a bathroom on a night out, I’m stone-cold sober and it’s really quite jarring. Intimidating, even. The girlies are either all over you and won’t take no for an answer (‘Do a line of coke with us babe! It’s only a bit, come on babe!’), or they’re peeing together in little cliques and ignoring you completely. The women’s loos are full of little parties of their own, and somehow I don’t feel invited to any of them.” Although sober awareness has increased in recent years thanks to influencers and campaigners like Millie Gooch, much of the camaraderie is hinged on everyone being drunk together. Separately, there have been problematic instances in which trans people haven’t been welcomed into women’s toilets. In these circumstances, it’s understandable someone might want to get out quickly — or avoid altogether. Speaking to R29, Gooch says she used to turn to the toilets when she first went sober. “At the start of my sobriety journey, the toilets were often the place I retreated to when I was slightly overwhelmed or overstimulated on a night out. It’s about respecting that not everyone wants to be approached in the toilets, so if someone doesn’t engage, let them get on with their business. With all that said, I’m six years sober now and super comfortable in club environments — I definitely get involved and love the girls toilets as much as I used to.”

The social aspect aside, club bathrooms do offer physical respite to the main event if nothing else. How many times have you, feeling overwhelmed on a night out, needed a moment? Like Gooch, the toilets can offer that space to momentarily decompress. “Retreating to the bathroom offers more space and quiet than you get elsewhere, which can help to take a breath and feel calmer,” Plumer says. “If you’re feeling stressed or anxious, being in the main area of a club or bar where you are likely to be jostled and bumped can leave you feeling physically very overwhelmed. A quick trip to the bathroom might help you down-regulate your system and bring you back to a calmer state.” When you’ve emerged from the cubicle, chances are a woman will be waiting to compliment your outfit.